When the Cats away...

Or should I say "children" are away, mom will play. So strange as u get older what our defination of "playing" consists of.
My kids have been gone comming up on two months (1 month and 15 days..but who is counting?)
Everytime they call, they say in perplexed voices "MOM, WHY are u home?" I guess they
expect me to have some completly fabulous social life when they are gone. Funny thing is, a few years ago...I would have been doing exactly that. I am a very social person, and I like to have fun, meet people, play pool...have a few drinks...
I'm just so over that phase in my life. DON'T get me wrong, I haven't turned into an old fuddy duddy, I just dont have the desire to suit up and hit the local dance clubs and party my way through the streets of Las Vegas.
My weekend was wonderful...and I hardly ever left the house.
Friday night Jenn(my friend and new roomate that took over my youngests bedroom) and I finally got her room set up. We popped open a bottle of Captain Morgan's (We all have a lil CAPTN in us...think of that stance) and made drinks and then proceeded to act like little gurls decorating her room, giggling and having fun. My friend Jason(also Jenns bf) thought we were loosing our minds. ha ha ha
We all ended up snuggled up in my bed watching "Now and Then" a movie about 4 gurls growing up to adulthood and keeping their friendship in tact. Demi Morre, Melanie Griffith, Rita WIlson and Rosie O'Donnell were the kids as adults. Great movie, makes u think alot about the friends u havent talked to in a long time.
Saturday was spent much the same way. Though we DID start making drinks a tad earlier than Friday...ha ah ha
I have decided since my younger kids(Carina, 17 and Drew, 13) are gone for the summer and staying in California until the "big" move that I might as well start getting ahead in the packing by boxing up their stuff and putting it in the garage. Alot was accomplished, but going through their stuff when I miss them so much was hard. I can smell my daughters perfume...see all the pictures of her and her friends....my sons books and video games. Doing all of the mundane responsibilities made me realize how much I have changed and grown as a person, and a mother.
When I got married, and had my kids...I always assumed that I would always have help. I mean, I did things the right way...got married and then had kids. Stayed married for what seemed like forever(though I have learned over the years that "forever" doesnt always end up the way u once thought it would) and always thought my husband would be at my side, helping me along the way.
20 yrs later, things arent exactly as I'd hoped. But they are still good. Wierd as I packed everything that I thought "All of these things, my kids things....are things thier father has missed out on" he isnt aware of what perfume my daughter wears. He wouldnt know the names of any of the girls in her pictures. Or what music she listens to....or what makes her cry.
Or why my son loves a certain book so much, or why scary movies make it impossible for him to sleep. Or which shows on the Disney Channel he loves the most. I know all of thes things, and more. And I have relized that though people think I'm afraid to venture into relationships as often as I should....it's about alot more than that. I am the only thing that my kids have 100% for sure all of the time. And they all know it. 400 miles away from me and two minutes away from their dad, and it's MY phone ringing 100 x's a day. A bad day or shed tears fall on MY ears instead of someone else's. I've always been there for my kids(even my stepson whom I have raised since he was 1 1/2 and is now 21 and STILL lives with me) and I have made a decision to be there through their teenage years. I sit back and watch as other "singles" try to juggle their kids and new relationships and I always think "One thing or another, something has to suffer" and I think there within lies my reasoning for staying single through my kids teenage years.
They need someone 100%, and if it's not me....then who?
I have learned through this marriage/divorce thing...that u really dont know someone until u divorce them. And I have also realized that though we ALL make the same vows, as husbands/wives and parents...that not all of us regard them with the same convictions.
I have been doing this solo for so many years, I've almost forgotten that I ever did it with someone. The struggle is more real, but the rewards of single parenting are worth every minute of it!!! And looking back, I wouldnt have it any other way.
The kids and I are like the "FOUR Muskateers" and we all pile a single hand in the middle and say "All for one, and one for all" and we actually mean it!