Im not DEAD~

Though I know alot of people are wondering.
Im all moved...got a great big house on the beach....I will be taking pictures and posting them sometime this week. Alot of shopping, decorating...and WORK.
Someone stole my laptop before I moved, and I dont have internet at work anymore...
which is the reason I havent been posting. Im hoping to get a new computer within the next few months...so bear with me =)
muaaaaaaaaaah!
HAppy THanxgiving all!

A Certain Sadness comes along...

with a certain change.
I know I am making good choices and following my heart. Moving on is a good thing, moving to a better place and life for myself and my kids is a positive change.
Going back home to a time where things are simpler...Life is less chaotic and surly not a 24 hour town is what I need/want in my life. A more low key lifestyle. Our quality of life, as a whole, will be better. Slower pace of life, time to stop and smell the ocean breeze...The flowers....
Things are looking very good in my future, but I can't help the sadness that comes over me today. My last day of work. Leaving people that have been good to you, good friends, people that you love....Is never easy.
So as I sit here, my desk piling up with gifts from co-workers, well wishers, people knowing that my life will be what I want it to be once I am gone...It is a bittersweet feeling.
I'm overcome with sadness, but also with a newfound excitement for things to come.
New job, new house, new times...
a slower paced lifestyle...A more wholesome environment in which I know my kids will certainly flourish.
I believe everything happens for a reason, and I know that some of these people....I will never see again. But there are many of them that will become lifelong friends...
So, I'm sad today. Sad and glad...If that makes any sense.

Another wrench thrown into my plans, I found out that the house I am supposed to be moving into on Dec 1st...Might have fallen though. You see, the gentleman who is currently renting it was looking at a house in Mandalay Bay, the ones that have the little canals behind it and slots for yr boat in yr backyard...well whatever he had going on, fell though, and he has now decided to stay in the house, MY HOUSE!
I've decided not to let this get me down...as there are plenty of houses on the beach for rent...and I'm sure my perfect house is out there somewhere. At least I was already renting a few rooms for the next two months, so it buys me some time to figure it out.

Mt stress level is through the roof...So I'm taking a few deep breaths...And just going with the flow. What is meant to be, will happen...It's all out of my hands at the moment.

I also wanted to say thank you, to everyone that has stopped by my lil spot on the net, and has given me words of encouragement.
THANK YOU!!!!

almost a 100 Tidbits 'bout me.....

Well, I've been "tagged" several times by people who have this 100 list, and I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I now have realized it is 100 things about yrself...so I feel obligated to do my part on this "chain tag" game everyone seems to be playing...that and I don't feel like writing a regular post being as my last one was whisked away by the internet MONSTER that seems to crash my office computer anytime I have anything worth saying!!!
so here I go.

1. I view being a mother as the most important thing I will ever do.
2. my kids are always #1
3. I have given birth to 2 kids but raised 3, my stepson since he was two.
4. I love men
5. I love being single, and I'm very good at it!
6. The three S's rule my life, SEX, shopping and Sushi...oh yeah, and SHOES
7. I have over 70 prs of Shoes
10. I've been in love w/ four men in my life Rick, Milo and Mike and Eric(though I didn't know it at the time)
11. When I consider someone a friend, I'll always be there for them
12. I'm never moody
13. I've always had a wild streak
16. I'm gun shy where relationships are concerned.
17. My parents have been married for 40 yrs
18. I was married for 12
19. I love tattoo' and piercings
20. Bad boyz are sexy but I always date nice guys.
21. Though I love tats and piercings, the guys I have dated have never had any
22. Angelina Jolie has been my girl crush years before she was popular
23. Johnny Depp has been my favorite since I was 16
25. I've been to Burning Man
26.I'm a concert Whore.
27. I've seen over 80 big bands, some of them more than once
28. I love camping
29. I've always wanted a Harley
30. My favorite color is PURPLE
32. I was on the Varsity swimteam when I was a Freshman
33. I made out with a cop last night
34. I don't like "Do as I say, not as I do" people
35. I'm very close to my brother
36. My daughter is one of my best friends
37. Her name is Carina and she looks like Eva Mendez...perfect strangers on the street stop her and tell her that.
38. I love everything about the ocean, sand between the toes, the smell
39. I've known alot of the same people since High School
40. I played in a Water Polo match with my jaws wired shut.
41. this is alot harder than I thought it would be
42. I only wear silver, no gold
43. My nipples are pierced
44. I have two tattoo's
45. I love loving someone
46. Aqua De Gio is one of the best smells in the world
47. I've talked to some of my net friends for over 10 yrs.
48. I consider Curt to be one of my best friends, though we have only met in person once.
49. I've had my heart broken
50. I've broken someones heart
51. I get better with age
52. I think we all do
53. People always think I'm 25
54. I'm really 37
55. If I had the money(and gas wasn't going up to $5) I'd drive the orig. Hummer
58. I'm not high maintenance at ALL
59. I can get ready to go out faster than most men
60. I need to get back into a workout routine.
61. I'm hoping living on the beach will entice me to jog on the sand
62. I miss my family.
63. Sometimes I'm too trusting
64. But I think thats the way it is supposed to be, people shouldnt take advantage of that.
65. I'm a Pisces, so is my daughter
67. I've made out with girls, but never gone beyond that.
68. I go to Ozzfest every year
69. I like to wear HIGH HIGH heels sometimes
70. I always go commando
73. Girls always hit on me.
74. I always date younger, I don't know why
75. I'm a daddy's girl
76. I love working with people
77. I always smile =)
78. I have alot of friends, but close ones I can count on one hand
79. my godparents were gay, one of them died of AIDS
80. Sometimes my love for my kids is overwhelming
81. My biggest fear is something happening to them
82. I relish watching them grow into adults they are 21, 17 & 14
83. I'm a great cook
84. I like to sew and do crafts
85. My nickname used to be "the 3 month and DUMP gurl" because I never dated anyone longer than that.
86. It takes ALOT for me to enter into a relationship
87. Im a night owl and an insomniac
89. I love Mexican food
90. I used to take Swing Dance lessons, now I'm going to try Salsa
91. I'm very loyal
92. I love long phone conversations that last all night
93. I love roller coasters!!!!
94. I'm a computer geek.
95. My brother almost died 2 yrs ago, and I'm not sure I've ever gotten over it.
96. Sometimes I like it rough
97. I like hiking and the outdoors
98. I'm trying to spend as much time as I can with my grandmother, she is 87

ok, those are ALOT of things alot of people didn't know about me....so if u read this, consider yrself TAGGED!

Sometimes Computer SUCK!

I spent an hour writing what I thought was a good blog on going out last night only for my computer to crash before it saved. Now Im tired, living on 2 hours sleep...and maybe a lil groggy from a few drinks last night...
*sigh*
I suppose I will write again later, as Im certainly not in the mood any more..haha
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Closure....

Haven't had much time to post lately...and I was sure everyone was tired of hearing about the packing..hahaThings are progressing along very nicely. Found a place to stay for a month or two until my house it ready. Got a second job a few nights a week working at
TheGreek
waitressing, my brothers fiance works there, and not only can she rake in a few hundred on a slow night, but it is FUNNNN. Greek dancers, belly dancers...it'll be a kewl way to get me through Xmas =) Plus it is RIGHT on the water!!!!
It's been a long few days. Time always seems to FLY until u want to get the hell out of somewhere, then it goes at a snails pace.There has also been some things going on. My x husband seems to have found himself...and while skipping along that path, my childrens father seems to have re-emerged. You see, we always had a pretty good relationship. He was a great father to our children. He coached all of their sports teams. My walls boast his coaching ability, team pictures of all my kids sports and daddy is right there smiling with the team. Somewhere in there, problems started. And by the time our divorce was final, the man I knew was nowhere to be found. Not even the father. He started drinking. Going out a lot. Flaking on our kids...and being mean and nasty when they were with him. I know that he was hurt. I also know it was easier to lash out than to deal with what was going on. But that still didn't make it ok for the kids. Knowing there was no way to hurt me, he started trying to do that through the kids. One of my main reasons for moving to another state was that I didn't want my kids to endure a lifetime(let alone a childhood) full of all of these bad memories. So we moved. My kids all agree that this, in hindsight...was possibly the best choice that I have ever made for them. Even though they still endured those bad moments with their father, they were few and far between. Going home for the holidays was always bittersweet because we never knew what to expect. One thing I knew for sure...the saying "You never truly know someone until u divorce them" has always rung true in my ears.
Fast forward 5 years...and my decision to move back home. None of my kids had spoken to their father for over a year. Last summer, when my youngest finally had the courage to stand up to him(Rick was trying to convince Drew to move in with him) and tell him "dad, I don't want to live with you...I want to stay with mom" was the last time ANY of the three of them had spoken to him. Birthdays have come and gone...Christmas and Thanxgiving. We always go home for the holidays and Rick never appeared on the doorstep, though he knew we were there.
The week we made the decision to come home, out of the blue Rick starts calling. Seems he has been in AA, and getting his life in order. It's been a bumpy ride. The kids have a lot of pent up anger and frustrations regarding their dad. Especially my daughter. I have explained to that in order to give someone a chance, u must really give them a chance. Open your heart, open yr mind...and realize that all of this didn't happen over night, and someone can't change overnight.The last few months have been an emotional ride. But I am finally able to have a decent relationship with my X. And my kids are finally happy as their father is making a true effort to be the father they so desperately need.
On another front...my brother seems to have had an epiphany as well. You see, he has a horrible temper. He seems to have some sort of resentment with the world, but mostly our father. I love my brother, we have always been close. But being one of the closest people to a temperamental person isn't always the best thing. I tend to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and the brunt of his temper seems to fall on either my shoulders, or Autumns(his fiance). Autumn had enough and said that she wouldn't be engaged let alone married to a man that thought OUTBURSTS were a way to problem solve. She had been to a self help seminar a few years ago and urged him to go to The Forum

So in the last few days...Amongst the hustle and bustle of moving, I have had the two men that I have loved the most in my life... Who are also the two men who have hurt me the most in my life ask me for forgiveness, and apologize for some of their actions....And making changes in their lives to assure that mistakes aren't repeated. My x even went as far as to go to my parents house(they used to love this man to death) and make amends. Enough so that my mom broke down in tears. She had often wondered what had happened to the son-in-law that she had loved so much.
Emotional for sure. The timing on this...Though great being as I will be living 5 minutes from either of them...Is also at a very stressful time in my life...Moving in 10 days. Needless to say, I am worn out. I told my brother that I felt like an emotional sandwich between the two of them...They the bread, me the melting cheese in the middle...hahaha.
He got a good chuckle out of that.
So things change....life goes on. People come full circle. You get some closure on some issues...and new doors for new possibilities open up. I feel like a very lucky woman at the present moment...well actually always. But today, the the skies seem a little bluer, the sun a little brighter...Have a great day everyone, and don't forget....it's better late than never. And just when u have given up on someone, they can turn around at a moments notice and surprise you =)

For soem reason my "Links" arent working so here they are:
The Greek http://www.greekventuraharbor.com/
And The Forum http://www.landmarkeducation.com

So much...so little...

So much to say, so little to say. So much going on, and then nothing going on at all.
I'm almost packed. 1/2 way through the garage. You'd think I'd just TOSS everything that has been buried in there for the last year....but I can't. You see, some of the boxes just got shoved into the garage last year when I moved and have been long forgotten. Going through them is like a treat. I'm finding things I thought I had lost forever. Some clothes, some shoes...some artifacts from Burning Man. My Pink "baby" given to me by a fellow "Burner". A Pink Statue that I was supposed to take with me on some of life's adventures and then document and send photos to the person who had given her to me. I turned her over and there on the bottom is the email address to which I was supposed to correspond. I feel like a failure. Do I email these people and let them know that this pink baby layed in a box in my garage for a year or two??
Or do I take this pink baby on my new adventure home and document the journey? hahaha
Maybe I have too much time on my hands.

Everything is going according to plan. I aced the job interview and start in my new position Oct. 4th, with a sizable raise and numerous perks. YAY! I also landed the beach house that I truely wanted. About 8 houses from the water...2 story, hard wood floors. 3 bdrm + a loft. A HUGE deck right off of the Master bedroom, 2 sliding doors lead outside to fresh air and a glimpse of the ocean...
The only problem I forsee is if California actually does fall into the ocean.
Because I will be one of the first to go! But I figure...what a way to go out!

Things couldn't be any better for me than they are at the current moment.
Though one does have regrets. Leaving people that u love, a job u have been in for 5 yrs...
old memories....
Things said, things ended....people left behind on this journey. Some ties broken, some things
done that can't be mended.
There is always a loss when u move on, but new doors open and new adventures begin.
I for one am ready for the new leg of this journey...
And it's commin up on me faster than I could have ever imagined =)

I've been trying....

To avoid posting about the tragedy in New Orleans. Not for any particular reason, other than sadness. And probably because everyone and their brother is posting about it. But I just read a post that angered me. A few actually. It always astounds me that people who #1 aren't there and #2 haven't ever been in a life or death situation
seem to always have a bad opinion about these poor suffering people.

I think the ENTIRE thing could have been alot less traumatic if the "powers that be" had done their job.
Now Im not here to "bash" anyone. But I am a little upset by the entire thing.

I mean, it's New Orleans. A low income state. Alot of poverty...alot of poor people...
but since when does the word "poor" mean that no one cares?
I'm still struggling within my head over this. I mean....we supposedly live in the best country in the world. And if that is the case...I am wondering HOW this happened?

We knew the hurricane was comming...
We knew it had the possibility to wipe out the state...
We KNEW that there were 100,000 people who lived in poverty and had no way out...

100,000 people with no way out. 100,000 people with no way out. 100,000 people with no way out. 100,000 people with NO WAY OUT!

If "we" knew, than I'm assuming the government knew, the state knew...everyone knew.
It was all over the news. People were evacuated...so then WHY WERE PEOPLE LEFT?
I've read things with people saying "Well, they all knew it was comming...if they stayed, then
O'WELL they deserved it"
How can people be so callous?
If u have no car, no money...kids and grandparents...what would u do?
I personally watched the news and saw 100's of people lining the streets waiting for someone to come get them, waiting to be helped. WAITING TO BE EVACUATED. No one came...
So there they sat.
I often wonder what some of these "higher up, uppity" people would have done if they at one point found themselves in a similar situation with no means to get out... would they blame themselves and say..."Well, we knew it was comming...we should have done something about it"
or would they finally have some sympathy for what these people have endured?
I'm broken up about the whole thing. Everyone points one finger, than another...Black, white...
poor, not poor. When to me...It's about NONE of those things...its about PEOPLE. People with families, people with children...people who have struggled their whole lives to make it on this planet, only to be let down in the final moments of tragedy by our government....It makes me wanna SCREAM!
Now comes the real test. "The Powers That Be" are going to "look into who was at fault"?????
Why should the same people who ARE at fault, be the one who get to "look into who is at fault"?? Does anyone honestly think that we are going to get any answers that way?
I'm sure at the moment, the THOUSANDS of people who have lost their loved ones...aren't caring "who is at fault" they are wishing someone was doing their job(Instead of vacationing) when tragedy struck. Wishing that someone had come to rescue them before the hurricane struck...Wishing that someone had at least come in the moments after the hurricane....in the first 24 hours. In the fist 48 hours....
I'm sorry, all of this "comming together" is a little to little a little to late.
Granted, it's what is needed now...but just think of how many lives it would have saved if it had happened when it SHOULD have happened.
We are ALL citizens of the U.S. and if this can happen in New Orleans...it can happen anywhere.
If the government can let 100,00o people sit and rot in their own shit...what makes us think that WE as a country are safe if tragedy should strike in OUR towns??
It's given me a whole new perspective on life. And on those that have something ANYTHING negative to say about those people who have endured what most of us would consider to be our worst nightmare.
So people...be kind. Be THANKFUL that u still have a home. Thankful that u can tuck yr kids into their safe little beds in their safe little neighborhoods. Be thankful that so far the "powers that be" haven't let US down...because u just never know what will happen...
And also remember that saying...until u have walked a mile in someone's shoes...

My prayers and thoughts go out to ALL who have lost something in this tragedy. Which in reality is all of us.

Ever Have a Dream...

that feels so real, that when u wake up u have a hard time determining if it was a dream or real?? Thats the kind of dream I had last night. The dream that goes ALL night...even when u wake up mid-dream and fall back asleep...it's still there...
a long dream, full of sexual tension and frustration. It was about my friend Dave...which is really wierd being as I haven't talked to him much lately...really hadn't thought I had been thinking about him. He is MARRIED and having alot of marital problems. There has always been something there between us. Underlying. Those small signals and feeling that you push below the surface. The kind that resurface in dreams.
I have noticed that I personally tend to dream about things I worry about.
Dreams are sometimes so far fetched. You are in places u would never be, doing things u would never do...with people u would never do them with. A person, really isn't a person, because though u KNOW in yr dream it is one person...it can look like someone completly different.
Needless to say, I had a restless night of sleep.

I got alot accomplished this weekend. Most everything is packed and I'm living an existance of BOXES. God I hate moving. I don't "hate" many things...moving is one of them. Going without sex is another. The moving, at this point...I have no control over. The sex thing...is another story. I took care of that this weekend. And took care of it GOOOD I might add.
SEX
You know the kind of sex that u feel for days. The kind, that when yr mind wanders back to that moment... u sigh. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Relief. Sexual Frustrations are gone. I feel like a new woman. Funny how as little as one month with no sex can make ya feel that way. I now feel like I can survive my last few weeks in town. I'm thinking I might have to have repeat visits from my new friend. He is so beautiful, and a nice guy to top it all off. Figures that you meet that type of person on yr way out of town. O'well...better late than never. Besides, I still have a few weeks to make this work in my favor ;)

And JOG I did...

This morning. I decided that I had an epiphany yesterday. Not just because of the view, but as something to do...
I woke up at 6:30 am and wanted to reset my alarm as usual so that I could sleep another 30 minutes to an hour. But I didn't. I actually got up, threw on the sweats and headed out the door to the gym. I've been promising myself to do this, for myself, for the last two months. In the midst of everything going on in my life(or lack of goins on) I have decided that taking the last 30 days before my move to GET moving would be a good idea. Good for the heart, good for the health, good for the soul...just good in general.
While I was jogging my mind started wandering to a conversation I had with my son last night. Seems that he has been having a rough time at his new school.
Being 14 isn't all it's cracked up to be. Kids can be so mean.
My son is a kind gentle soul, who loves people. He is quite a character and can make almost anyone laugh with his Jim Carey'ish nature. I've never quite understood why it always seems SO difficult for him to make friends. Neither of my other kids are like that, my daughter is the epitome of the word "popular".
So he has been telling me everyday how wonderful school has been, making sure that I don't worry about him, so I wouldn't be sad or feel bad that there is 400 miles between us. That is the kind of kid he is.
I try to tell him all of the things we as adults know. 13 is a bad age, and sometimes the only way a kid can feel good about themselves it to make someone else feel bad. I come up with every excuse for mankind...every excuse for punk kids...when in reality.....
I don't get it either.
Why do people feel the need to just be mean?
What happened to the old saying "If u don't' have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" ?
Many times in life I simply BITE my tongue because that phrase rings in my head. Not everyone wants my opinion all of the time. Period. Being "mean" simply isn't an option for most of us...so why is it for a few?
Name calling, bullying, shit talking....and being just plain RUDE seems to be the way alot of folk function in this day and age, and I just do not understand it.
What do certain people gain from making others feel badly?
I for one know that every once in awhile mean things are said out of anger...or a place of pain within ourselves. None of us are "perfect" we all have moments where the "mean" in us rears it's ugly head. But when it is all over, the compassionate feel bad, and learn to say "sorry".
Why is it that some people feel that they can treat anyone any way that they damn well please?

In modern times, I think most of the population could take a lesson or two from our parents of the past...and the things they taught us.

A certain type of respect that we have for all people (not just the ones u like).
Commandments of LIFE that make the world a much happier place to live.

"think before u speak"
"actions come with consequences"
"do unto others as u would have them do unto u"
"if u don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"
" a little kindness goes a long way"

Common things we have all been taught at one time or another...
Things that are somehow being slowly swept under the rug...
It's a sad world when a kid has a hard time getting an education because he doesn't want to go to school!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROTHER!

Jogging...

As I groggily drive myself to work this morning, I notice this amazing creature jogging alongside the road.
The weather is hot and muggy, so he is shirtless and has the most amazing body. Tan rippled muscles. Several tattoos along his chest and arms and his body is glistening with sweat.
Suddenly everything is in s l o w motion... I see him slowly glide past me like a god and it feels like a movie.
Like "Fasttimes At Ridgemont High" when Phoebe Cates comes out of the pool. I watch him run past and check out the backside to see if it is as delicious as the front, and yes...it is.
A big smile appears on my face, and has been there ever since.

I get to work a little early, and my boss calls to tell me she is picking up Starbucks for us on her way in...
"What do you want.....?"

The day is looking good so far...though in the back of my mind I wonder if obsessing over the jogger from this morning should be telling me something?

Maybe it's time to start jogging.

Pisces
Feb 19 - March 20
Things are likely to be much better than expected, and despite having to do your duty, you'll also be able to have a great deal of fun.

12:51 p.m.

On another note(though the same topic..MEN!) I have just realized a valuable thing that I will be missing when I move back home to California. It seems that I have overlooked a few differences between here and there.
I leave my office for lunch and as I cross over the intersection I notice men on all corners. Men with BOOTS in their hands. Now, to people not from Nevada this is probably puzzling. Not to me. You see, here in Nevada when there is some natural disaster and the community(ours or someone elses) is in need, our WONDERFUL Fire Dept. goes out in the streets full force to help out. Fire Men of all shapes and sizes at EVERY major intersection in town. It's quite a sight, buffed, goodlooking men carrying their boots to collect donations. As I neared a stop I overheard two of the firemen talking "Yeah, I've collected a few $20's, a few $10's the rest are 5's and 1's" I almost speak outloud "A sure way to make more is to take off that shirt and wear those yellow thingy's with the suspenders..and THEN prance around with yr boot in yr hand". I for one would gladly offer up my weeks lunchmoney to witness this.

Though not for all of them. Isn't there a law written somewhere about Firemen, like Supermodels....? Should to be HOT? A few of them looked like a thinner version of my dad.

*Note to the Fire Dept, when in need of LARGE Donations...The HOT ones scantliy clad in suspenders are the ones that should be on the frontline!

Damn, I have men on the brain!

More Time on My Hands...

than I seem to know what to do with. A little strange considering I have so much to do. I've gotten a few things taken care of:

30 day notice at work CHECK
30 day notice at my Apt CHECK
interviews scheduled for the 9th CHECK
packing started CHECK

So why do I feel so usless?
I've got exactly 30 days until I move back to Southern California, and I can't wait. Time seems to be standing still, though speeding by...if that makes any sense?
I think alot of it has to do with my lack of social life. I'm a VERY social person. I normally boast a pretty full schedule. Dates, going out, alot of friends...but as I near the end of my life here in Las Vegas that all seems to be comming to an end. Granted, I haven't been putting myself out there lately. Haven't hit any clubs, haven't been to the Strip(I hardly ever go there), damn...I haven't even gone out to shoot pool...which used to be my pasttime playing in my league. So I guess the shortage of social life(and booty) is realistically my own fault. You have to get out there, be a part of the social scene(at least date) to keep up with the Jones'.

When I put my mind to something, I'm focused. Now that I am geared up to move, I want to get out of here so badly that it is making me crazy. So I try to take care of shit, get things ready. Pack, work on the garage. And basically become a hermit.
Now don't get me wrong. I have people over pretty often. We BBQ, rent movies...swim, have a few drinks. I haven't completly cut myself off from friends, just the outside world...Las Vegas.
It's hard to meet new boys, and have a sex life...when u never meet anyone new, and the old seems to have gotten stale.

I'm missing being at Burning Man bigtime. I keep thinking about how much fun everyone is having. The new exciting people they are meeting...
I've actually even been tossing around going to the Fantasy Fetish Ball this weekend. Another event I usually go to every year. Fun and exciting, but kinda of one of those things that used to be FANTASTIC but slowly sensorship is killing. Last yeat at the HALLOWEEN BALL there were signs posted "NO NUDITY" and "PEOPLE DISPLAYING LEWD ACTS WILL BE TOSSED OUT ON THEIR ASSES".
What is the "Fantasy Fetish Ball" if not about nudity and lewd acts??
Tisk tisk.
If u don't want to see that kind of stuff displayed, go to Chuck E Cheese's.
With that in mind, the thought of spending over $80 to step in the door to endure what other than the costumes, would be like any other club in Las Vegas(yes...I've been to them all) seems rather ridiculous.
Plus I've already packed all of my Burning Man/Fetish Ball/ Halloween Costumes.

To much effort with too much on my mind at the moment.
I keep telling myself that I can wait it out the month til I move.
Then again, my mind agrees, but my body doesn't.
I'm not used to going without sex for long periods. A month is my max, usually a week or two.
I'm above and beyond that at this point, more like 6 weeks...
eeesh.
No wonder I can't sleep!

Nothin in This Neck O' Da Woods....

Not much of anything going on. Drama at work has subsided, not that it really matters because it wasn't directly linked to me in any way, I just got shifted in the fall-out...but on my end that is all resolved.
More than kinda bummed because Mike and all of our friends are at
BurningMan which is a lil more than depressing for me considering the fact that I'm supposed to be there with them. Unfortunatly I can't MOVE and go to
BurningMan which is all kinds of shitty being as it is one of the treats I have promised to myself yearly. For those of u who haven't expierenced it, I highly reccommend it. Man made community of 40,000 on a dry lake bed in Northern Nevada. In a conservation area. It's a LeaveNoTrace event which means though it is a dry lakebed with no running water, and no electricity, you have to bring everything u will need to survive for almost 10 days. And then lug everything u use home. Even trash. There are NO trashcans, no restrooms(only outhouses which get hosed out each day by huge trucks to keep them decent), no showers(though there is a water truck that goes up and down the streets hosing down the dust and u can find manynaked people running along behind it hosing off their dusty bodies). No food, no nothing. Well...nothing provided. You pay $250 to walk in the door and then the rest is up to u. 40,000 people, all comming together. Living life, building a community. There are bars, but u don't pay. There are many many things to see, people to meet...
it is the hardest thing to explain to people who have never been. Between the ArtCars to the costumes to
ThemeCamps it is the MOST amazing place that I have ever been. All in all it costs about 1,000 dollars for everything, including materials to construct a structure that u will call home for the next week....the food u will consume, the gifts u will share with others.
You see, that is what this place is about. Sharing. Caring, comming together as a community, as humans.
Not as a religious event, but a spiritual event. One I am sad to say I am missing this year. So to all my fellow "Burners" have at it, and have some fun for me!!!!!

I've Come to Realize Certain Things In Life...

and one of them is I'm becoming addicted to Blogs. Ha ha ha
Not really, but it IS nice to come back after the weekend and "catch up" on what everyone in the blogging world has been up to!

I've been talking to a good friend of mine about the whole "relationship" issue alot lately.
During a phone conversation, with us bantering back and forth, he pops off with "Sambo, I just don't see u as the romantic type". (Now with a nickname like "Sambo" one he gave me, I wonder why..ha ha ha)

On one hand, I DO see his point. You see, on the outside...and to most people I talk too...I'm the GET THE BOOTY kind of girl. I mean, I know what I want(and it usually consists of a piece of ASS) and I go after it.
I'm the girl that ALWAYS has a booty boy, and unless Im in a completely committed relationship....I like to think of myself a as "Free Agent" one that can do what(and who) she wants. Much to the dismay of some men I hang out with.
Does this make me "unromantic"?
Or realistic?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I like to love and be loved as much as the next person. But after being divorced 8-9 years ago, I've learned to be more choosy. Learned to not take crap that I don't like, and learned that just because I "like" someone(or might want to screw them)....Doesn't mean I want to date them. There within lies the "unromantic" notion about me. Now...I've been reading about women similar to myself on CHubbyChocolate and InsaneBlackWoman and one has to wonder....
Does a woman become "unromantic" because she knows what she wants....?
Does a woman become "unromantic" when she takes on the "traditional male role" and uses a man for sex?
Because she doesn't kid herself into believing that her "knight in shining armor" is going to ride by and sweep her off of her feet at any moment?
Excuse me if I'm a bit confused(and no Mr. X I didn't take particular offense to this comment, just trying to clarify a common misconception for most of us women who don't "need" a man)over all of this...
I mean, personally, in my core...I'm about as romantic as they come....
I like the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, goosebumps on my arms...the fluttering in my chest when the phone rings and it is that special person...I like to hold hands, and make out like teenagers...fuck in bathrooms because we can't keep our hands off eachother and can't wait til we get home....
All of it. The whole Ball of Wax....
definitely a Romantic...
But do I have "romance" in my daily life at the moment....no.
And the reason for that? Because when I go on a date...I know if there is chemistry or not(and yes sir...after u have been divorced more than a year, and gone on more than a few dates with a few women...u will too) I know pretty much right off the bat if this person in front of me is someone I can actually see myself spending any length of time with? And not just some company because I am lonely? In about two minutes flat, I know if this is someone I will pursue with romantic interest....or AEROBIC interest. And therewithin lies the difference between us "Booty" women and "Romantic" women. If I seriously considered dating these men(which I know I have nothing in common with) I would be considered romantic. But because I call it as I see it, and go the other route....I drop a peg or two on the romantic level. Well worth it all things considered. Wasting time with some mediocre date for the sake of "dating" is way off my scale of FUN THINGS TO DO.
Even if we "get along" and "have fun"....what is it that makes THIS date different than any other?? If there isn't
something profoundly different, if there isn't that "chemistry" then Im glad that I know myself well enough to not just settle. And in all honesty...through all of the things I have learned in this thing called life, this is one of the things I'm the most proud of. Knowing myself well enough to know that I'm just fine alone. Knowing that I don't "need" a man to survive, but that I DO need the things a man can physically offer.
Knowing that just because I "like" someone, doesn't mean that I will love them...and knowing the difference between "compatibility" and "chemistry". Knowing not to jump off that ledge(just yet) and knowing that taking my time getting to know someone now...will save me a lot of trouble later.
So the next time u see the "booty gurl" don't just easily dismiss her as the "non-romantic"type.
Because sometimes...all that simply means is that she knows herself better than most people do, and at the end of the day...
I'd much rather be the "booty girl that knows what she wants" than the "Romantic girl that thinks every man is THE ONE"
Nuff said!

Greetings Samantha --

Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 29:

There's nothing wrong with browsing, especially if you're not ready to buy. Ignore any and all pressure coming at you to make a decision. You'll do this when you're good and ready, and not before.

think this is talking about MEN??

How many posts can one have in one day?

HA HA HA
obviously I have more on my mind than working...

I just found a kewl blog and this Questionaire(a whole group of people answering it) so I thought I would put it on here, answer, and ask everyone to do the same =)

LET’S PLAY BALL -
30 Questions - 10 basic, 10 personal, 10 random

BASICS

1. Name: Samantha

2. Nicknames: Sammie, Sam, Sambo, Miss Sammie

3. Give yourself a new name and explain: Sleepless in Las Vegas: see previous posts for explanation!

4. Sex: Yes PLEASE! As often as I can git it!! Oh wait, was that a gender question?

5. Birthday: Feb 25th, Pisces

6.Current location: Las Vegas/ Henderson, Nevada

7.Eye color: Blue

8. Hair color: Blonde, with burgundy underneath

9. Height:5'4"

10. Best physical feature: I've been told my legs, and eyes...what do I know, Ive had the same shit my whole life.

PERSONAL:

1. Straight, gay, or bi: Straight

2. Are you a virgin: does not having sex in a month count?

3. Who are your closest friends: Mike, Jenn, Jason, the list is long.

4. Boyfriend/girlfriend: not at the moment, I thrive on being single!

5. Would you ever have sex in front of another person: I have, in front of 4 people...would I do it again? I dont know, depends on the situation I suppose. SOmetimes things come up and u just go with it.

6. Name 3 things you despise about the opposite sex: Nothing, men are wonderful...u just have to toss out the bad seeds, the same can be said for women.

7. Tell us a secret: Do I have tooooooo? Nope, secrets are meant to be kept ; )

8. If your life was a movie, what kind of movie would it be: An adventure

9. Would you ever hook up with a person of the same sex: make out: yes...been there done that. Sex...not too sure, never really thought about it.

10. Do you have a crush right now: noper

RANDOM:

1. What do you have under your bed: nada

2. Do you have an innie or an outie: innie

3. What do you think of ouiji boards: 1/2 kewl 1/2 scary

4. Favorite board game: Twister, Trouble

5. Favorite TV shows: Lost, Charmed, Meet the BArkers

6. Favorite magazine: Cosmo, Maxim

7. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed: both

8. Favorite sound: sex sounds, the sounds of gratification...the ocean. Laughter

9. What is your favorite quote: "If yr in my bed, u gotta put out or get out"

10. Favorite place to vacation: Burning Man especially if u have never been there!

Spammers...

Gotta love them. And people who try to post on yr blog for advertising.
I'm in a beastly mood this morning. Not really "beastly" just dead ass friggin TIRED. So what do u do when u feel like u can NEVER sleep? And upon finally falling asleep...u abruptly wake up in the wee hours of the morning unable to fall back to sleep? Such is the story of my life. I seriously feel like it is taking it's toll on me. Starbucks is about my only salvation in the A.M. Funny when u frequent three different locations and they all know what u drink. I used to go into the Von's across the street from my work(they put in a kiosk Starbucks) because when u buy 7 drinks, yr 8th one is free. Then I realized that they keep a tally at the end of your reciept.

"Samantha..you are on your 24th freeStarbucks"

Uh....yeah....so I start calculating in my head....24 free. That means that I have bought 7 Starbucks 24 times....!!!!!

Needless to say, I stopped buying my morning Cafe at Von's. I switched locations. If they don't keep a total, then it doesn't count right? At least that's the logic in my brain, however twisted.
ha ha ha
Guess I should seriously consider buying stock in Starbucks at least there would be some chance in getting something back for my loyality as a customer!

Back to work, more later!




Work is unusually slow today. Gives me alot of time to ponder certain things in my life.
So this blog will most likely be long, bear with me.

Today I found out that I am being sent back to my other office (see post for Aug 19th)
Seems the co-worker who couldn't STAND to work in this office(and had to be switched THIS minute to our other office) now has decided that she would indeed rather be here(could that possibly be the result of figuring out that our other office is THREE times as busy...which in turn means three times the WORK?) I have been recieving emails all week from all of my co-workers in my other office pulling their hair out because she can't keep up, she can't function in my position to the level that I can. Well of course not. I have been working at that level for FIVE years. Silly people. Needless to say, I will be back at my home office with my gurly co-workers for my last five weeks of Employment with my current company. YAY!
I also gave notice today. 30+ days. Last day here will be Sept 28th.

I have been thinking alot about people in my past.
Do u ever have those people that are in your life...and then suddenly they dissapear? Or through the course of just living life, u loose contact with people that at one time meant the world to u? In the last few months of going through life changes...moving, looking for a new job... I have really been thinking about some of these people that I truly miss. This might have something to do with the fact that two very important people in my past have recently contacted me. An old boyfriend from high school...Tom, and my best friend Sabrina. Tom and I were the best of friends through all of HS. Always close, sharing secrets...being silly, and just basically practicing being kids. Ditching, smoking Djarums in between classes...all of the fun things 16 yr olds do. Over time, we became closer and eventually ended up dating and becomming intimate when I was 17. We have always had that strange bond that is very hard to define. A closeness that u don't achieve with just anyone. We have shared many memories. We have history together and the bond of being raised in the same area and calling Ventura County "home". At some point, we broke up. I don't really remember why...I just chalk it up to the fact that we were teenagers. We remained friends from that point on. Somewhere after that(I'm not really sure when or where) we parted ways. I got married, had kids, and basically just lived my life. I often wondered what had happened to Tom. If he still was alive and kicking, if he was happy... I heard a few things here and there around town(we live in a small beach community) but we all know how "gossip" is, who knows what to believe. He eventually drifted to the back of my mind, and though I thought about him from time to time...he was basically "out of sight, out of mind".
About 6 months ago, I open my yahoo mail to find an email from Tom. He found me on
Classmates.com . We started emailing and catching up. He is now married(9 years) and has three kids of his own. It's strange how much better u feel when u just know someone is ok. He says that he has always somewhat kept tabs on me, even though we hadn't spoken in about 20 years(damn when u type that u immediatly feel OLD). He knew when I got married, he knew when I had my kids...and the subsequently when I got divorced. HE always knew I was ok. Strange how that works. Tom and I have since been renewing our friendship, and though older, we have come to realize not alot in our personalities has changed. I instantly felt that old bond rekindled. That instant connection with someone that u will always, no matter what, love and care about. I am thankful everyday that he is once again my "friend". I'm thankful to have someone in my life, that has pretty much always known me. Someone that I can open up to, talk to and share with. It's like having a new friend, though I don't have to explain anything to him. He knows my parents, and my brother. He knows most of my friends, we know the same people back home. And now, as I move back home, he is extremely jealous!!! Because he longs to be back there too. I'm glad to have my old friend back...and I'm hoping to never loose contact with him again(note to self...and to others, don't EVER change yr email addresses!!!)

All of this(along with the new friends I constantly make online) makes me very grateful to have the internet in my life. It reaches places that none of us would ever go. If u are online enough, yr name is out there, people CAN find you.
I basically logged onto Classmates.com to check out what was going on with people that I knew way back when, and instead was found by someone to whom I was important.
I'm hoping in these modern times of blogging and emailing(as we all sit at our desks doing the aforementioned when we should be working) and the internet in general...that gone are the times of just easily "loosing track" of someone we care about. Gone are the times of "Not enough time to write a letter" (I know most of us can type almost as fast as we can talk).
The internet has opened up a vast new world of communication. Sharing pictures with familes and loved ones, Evites to parties, family websites...
The resources on the internet are endless, and I for one am thankful everyday...for the internet and the people it has brought into my life =)
Which includes each and every person who passes through this site, and reads a lil piece of my life.
So I just wanted to say "Thank you" to everyone who is my friend, and supports me.
I love you all!

As I Struggle In the Final 30 days...

Before i move, I have ALOT on my mind. So bear with me as I vent(and move on to my SECOND post of the day).

My youngest Drew started the 8th grade yesterday. It pains me to not be able to be there for him. He's never started a new school year without me, let alone a completely new school, in a completely new state. So I feel bad. I guess he is a big boy now, time to cut those apron strings(everyone says he is a momma's boy) Though I must admit my sadness came from the sadness in HIS voice Tuesday night. I cant move fast enough.....36 days and counting. So much on my mind, so much in my brain....

So my house is full, though at times empty. I just miss my kids plain and simple. Never really been without them. I can't wait to get back into the normal routine of school and sports. It' been a long time. Though Im NOT looking forward to dealing with the X on a regular basis. I hate to say it, but he is just an idiot.
He calls me yesterday(on my cell while Im still at work, mind you) to talk to me about getting Carina(my 17 yr old) into adult ED. She is working full time, kinda blew her school stuff last year, and at the moment all I care about is her GRADUATIING on time.
So here he is, IN OXNARD...calling ME in VEGAS, asking ME what to do??

You fucking moran, figure it out.

I mean, if I can go online...or call from here, can't he do the same thing from there?? All he is doing is giving our daughter a hard time about EVERYTHING, and I think to myself "Communicating with yr kids ISNT that difficult" So in the middle of this conversation(where I basically tell him, nicely of course, NOT TO BOTHER...I'll be there the weekend of the 8th and I will take care of it..she doesnt want to deal with him anyhow) I tell him that Drew had a WONDERFUL first day of school (he was VERY apprehensive the night before and called me 6 times, where-in I told him that I went to that school, his dad went to that school, Uncle Chris went to that school...and to think, everytime u run the track, go through the halls, go into the office....I was in those places, doing the same as him...gave him some relief I think)
His responce was...
*silence*
and then......"What?"
I repeat myself. "Your SON had a great first day at school"
Rick: "Oh, today was Andrews first day of school?"

OH MY FUCKEN GOD!!!

How many ways can u BEAT a man????

Nice to know while u are hounding me for info on Carina, that u have NO CLUE whats going on with yr son. How can u be 2 minutes from him(while Im 400 miles away) and NOT know when he is starting school.
2nd of all, considering he was sooooo stressed about it, how could u not BE THERE for him??

I give up!!!!!!!

I have come to terms with the way this man parents our children, and I often wonder how I ever was married to him for 12 yrs. Sometimes it astounds me. But it still breaks my heart when it hurts my kids.

What do u do?? cant shoot him, but cant DEAL with him either.

And if I didn't have to deal with him regarding my kids, I wouldn't.

At the end of the day "co-parenting" isn't optional. It is something I have opted out of by living in a different state for the last 6 yrs. Guess it's time to pay the piper, and learn to live with it. Live with it with Grace and Dignity, and once again practice always being the bigger person (which I always do) Even when U just want to be a BITCH and tell him to GET IT TOGETHER FOR ONCE...for the sake of his kids.

and dreams CAN become a reality....

When I was a child, I vividly remember my dad working on cars. It was his hobby. Restoring old vintage cars. I distinctly remember his midnight blue 1963 Chevy Impala. It started out as a heap...but little by little became a dream car. I remember everything about that car. From the paint job(midnight metallic blue), to the brand new interior that he installed. All I remember thinking is "How kewl is THAT?? You can take an old beaten up classic car and turn it into anything you want".
Hence my fixation with old cars. I've always been into them, always wanted one. I have dragged Mike(and many others) to more car shows than they care to remember. I love ALL old cars. But I've always wanted one in particular.
1957 GMC Pickup
The sleek lines, the wood panaled bed of the truck.
I've long ago decided that any dream man of mine, would be able to work on classic cars.
Fast forward to the here and now(Or should I say backtrack to last summer) and George.

A year ago last May my friend Gina calls me and asks me if I want to go to
Lake Havasu
Does a bear BEAR shit in the WOODS???
So we get babysitters and pack up for the weekend. We are going with her family and a bunch of their friends who all have boats. I'm excited and thrilled to be a part of this adventure. As soon as I get there I meet George. We are instantly attracted to one another and the flirtation starts. Now mix the flirting in with alot of drinking...and wa-la instant chemistry. (We'd find out later that the chemistry was NOT just alcohol induced..ha ha ha) We spent a magical 4 days together, and when he left the day before me, I was really bummed. You see, he lives in the OC, and I live in Nevada. We decided at that moment, that at times in life it is about timing...which in this case was working against us. So we make a pact to stay in touch, at all costs. No matter what. And we have. He came to stay with me for a weekend about 4 months after our initial meeting, and lo & behold...that amazing chemistry was still intact. But the fact still remains...he lives in Cali, and I in Nevada.
Over the course of the last year and 1/2 I have come to learn alot about George. We have indeed stayed in touch. We email, text message and talk on the phone. We still have that "connection" but have basically come to terms with the fact that we both have kids to raise and we have alot of distance between us. So we became friends. Over the course of this friendship...I learned that he is an AMAZING mechanic. He continually buys old cars, restores them and sells them. Its basically just something he does as a hobby...something to occupy his time(and keep him sane) While the rest of us are sitting on our asses watching tv, he is tinkering around in his garage fixing up cars. It's great. He sends me pictures of all of his new finds, fills me in on what he is doing. He just got a
1969 Le Mans
And is currently working on it.
Now we have always joked about him being my "dream man" because he works on cars. Last night in talking to him, he tells me that now that I am moving closer to him (we'll be about an hour and 1/2 from one another).
that he wasn't kidding, He would really love to help me build my dream car. It'll take time, and money....but that we can actually start looking when I move he'll help me look for the car, and little by little...we can work on it until it becomes what I want. No only will he do it, but he says he would "love to do it"!!!!!!!!! Talk about something to look forward to. Now Im scanning the internet, looking for something, anything that I want....It's a whole new feeling to be actually working on something u have dreamed about for so many years......one of my major dreams within my grasp and becomming a reality leaves me with a feeling that I can't even begin to explain.
It's like lil warm fuzzies in my tummy.
I now feel that I have something to look forward to, no matter what.
And it is an amazing feeling!!!! A feeling I intend on holding onto.
After all, life is about achieving yr dreams....even if that means a 1957 GMC Pickup Truck!!!!

Sex on the brain......

A month.
Thats how long it has been since I have had sex.
A MONTH!!!
I'm not normally the gurl that waits a month. I always have at least someone waiting in the wings. Some booty-boy that I keep hanging around. I'm like a guy when it comes to sex. I want as much as I can get, as often as I can get it. The older I get, the worse it gets. I usually date younger, I think almost specifically for that reason. Young guys are like stallions and want sex all of the time. That's me. I'm the "I'm gonna luvvvv ya all night long and then run out the door before u wake up" gurl. I also think, if u are in MY bed...u need to put out or GET OUT! My current "booty boy" of the moment is James. 7+ years my junior. About as HOTTTT as they come. Italian. Black hair and crystal clear blue eyes. Bedroom eyes. Boy can he work it. I usually see him about once or twice a week. We talk everyday on email from work. The messages and thoughts he sends me.
WOW.
His emails of what he wants to do to me, or recounting the things he HAS doneto me...give me that lil tingly feeling. The kind that make u want to run home and take care of business. We usually play this little "Sexual banter" game for a few days...talking about our fantasies...until it leads up to the point of explosion...then we meet up. I dress up. My higest heels, shortest skirt. I go commando to surprise him...he likes to play games, and I oblige. Beautiful body, great face...he plays guitar in a band, so he knows how to use his hands (as well as some other valuable parts!) It is a blissful night, and I get my fill...many times over. Usually 5. I sneek out as the sun is comming up. A satisfied woman.
I like James, he knows our boundaries. Most men don't. After a few booty calls, alot of men start calling all of the time. They want to do dinner, they want to hang out. To me, it is what it is...sex...Albeit GOOD sex...but still just sex. You can't take something that is purely sexual, and try to make it more. There is a reason that u have just a "Sexual" relationship with certain people. I don't understand why some men don't get that. Because we fuck, doesn't mean I want to marry you. Or date you. Or see you more than twice a week. James gets that. So ours is a perfect union. I don't care what he does when I'm not in his bed. I don't question where he has been, who he is with, or what he has done. And he gives me that same respect. Respect of our private lives that don't involve one another. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some callous uncaring bitch. James is a GREAT guy. He smart, eloquent, caring, funny, good natured and I COMPLETELY respect him as a person. We are both at places in our lives where a "relationship" isn't in the cards. So we don't kid ourselves into thinking that it is. It works and I have no complaints. He has been the best "booty boy" I have ever had regarding the "no strings attached" clause. MaybeI ought to draw up a contract with consequences for future endeavors.
We'll see...It's been a few weeks since I have received an email from James...unlike him. Hectic and stressful times at work for us both...and with me moving, I've had to turn his offers for sexual encounters down a few times...I'm thinking he doesn't like that. Maybe it's time to reverse the roles and for ME to start the emails or calls. Then again, maybe I ought to get off my ass...get out of the house, and find myself another playmate.
When I'm in pursuit of a new Boy Toy, it's never hard to find. Batteries only take ya so far, so many times in one day!
One month and counting.
Let's see how long the dry spell lasts...and if I take the initiative to DO something proactive about it!!!

Maybe it's in the cards:

Greetings Samantha --

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, August 24:

The stars work in mysterious ways. Just when you'd given up hope on getting something, somehow everything rearranges itself to get you exactly what you need -- and no delivery fee, even.

The Cup that Saved the Day!

I finally got a good nights sleep. After weeks of tossing and turning I finally gave in to Tylenol PM.
I don't usually like to take sleep aids, because at the end of the day, they dont really help me sleep through the night they just help me fall asleep and then make me so damn groggy that I still wake up all night. Then I'm just too groggy to move(which means I lay in bed all night too tired to get up and go to the bathroom...which in turn STILL keeps me awake) But last night, after about a weeks worth of 1-2 hours of sleep a night, I finally gave in. And guess what? I slept all night. In bed by 10:15, and out not too long after that. I didn't wake up at all until around 7a.m.
But now comes the fun part. Upon awakening I feel like I got a goodnights sleep. I mosey my ass out of bed...and right into the shower...all is going good. After the shower it's all downhill from there. I'm SOOOO lethargic feeling that I feel like I'm sleepwalking. I feel totally unlike myself (and totally useless, I might add!) I'm usually the one that people frown at first thing in the morning, the "WHY are u ALWAYS so chipper in the morning" person. Not today. Here I sit, on my third cup of coffee(which in turn, will make it impossible to sleep tonight) wondering which is worse?? The lack of sleep? (which still leaves me feeling OK in the morning and FUNCTIONAL) or the total sleep? (which in turn makes me feel like this drugged ZOMBIE)?

COFFEE TIME!

Shoes....

So, considering the fact that I am moving in 42 days...and had alot of nothing goin on this weekend...I decided to get a move on the packing. As I stand in my room I try to figure out where to start. Knick Knacks? ummmmm....No. I won't be leaving for awhile and I want the comfort of my things around me, don't want to live in a barran, empty space for another 6 weeks. I start under my bathroom sink and realize...I cant move these boxes down to the garage because everything will explode in the 200 degree heat of my garage. So I move on to my closet.
Now, Im definatly a girl that goes after what I want. And apparently what I want is SHOES...
MANY MANY MANY shoes. I start going through my closet and pull out pair after pair. I have platforms, flip flops, Stilettos, boots, clogs....the list is endless. You name it, I have it. I think to myself..."when did I become such a SHOE WHORE?" If u want black boots...I have about 10 prs. I have knee high hooker boots...high heel boots, short boots, rugged boots, girly boots...
and dont get me started with sandals. I have more pairs in one color than most women have as a total!~!~!~!
I got less than 1/2 way done....(Yes, I have 2 full size closets) and have already counted about 60 pr of shoes. Not that this is really that suprising to me...I mean, I DID buy them all....
Its just when they are all laying out in front of u, it really makes a statment!
I'm the next Imelda Marcos in the making...ha ha ha
During the course of my packing I have realized though not an obsessive personality...
I do have a FEW obsessions...

SHOES(obviously)
Concerts
and JOHNNY DEPP

I do suppose we all have vices in life, and at least I am realizing mine before Im old as DUST!

My Top 10

Ok, so I guess this thing is going around where we are "tagged" to do our top 10 list...
So as a good friend to someone who "tagged" me...I shall oblidge...but u WILL owe me...
he he he

10 things I LOVE LOVE LOVE

#1. My kids and family. Whom without, I have NO CLUE where I would be or what type of person I would have become.
#2. My friends, whom I consider my extended familia....and would do ANYTHING for.
#3. My three S's, Sushi, Shopping and SEX...not in that order!!! oh yeah...SHOES...which was going to be my BLOG for today.
#4. The beach, the sand in my toes....
#5. Waking up next to someone I love
#6. Camping
#7. people whom u know the second u meet them...that they will be fiends for life.
#8. My job
#9. CONCERTS CONCERTS CONCERTS(and probably alot higher on the list)
#10. JOHNNY DEPP!!!! (see previous)

OH YES....I COMPLETLY forgot to add in Fairies/butterflies....they are my ultimate FAVORITE!!!

10 things I hate(can we use dislike?)

#1. People who use their kids as pawns
#2. Stupid people make my head hurt...which would explain why I always have a headache!
#3. People who don't realize if u just are honest and excuse yrself from a relationship...u dont have to cheat.
#4. People who don't think about others feelings.
#5. Bad parents(live in Vegas for awhile...u'll see what I mean)
#6. CRACKHEADS
#7. Liars
#8. Insomnia
#9. Being at odds with someone I love
#10.People who think that are always right, or better than other people

=)

This Would be me....

NOT SLEEPING! Why is it that when ALL u want to do is lay yr head down and fall right to sleep....that is the one and only thing u CANNOT do??
Sleep has been eluding me alot lately....
I'm dead tired as my head hits the pillow...but the second it does...I'm WIDE awake.
So here I lay at almost three AM...tossing, turning, and wishing I could just fall asleep!

Something Different...

I'm starting to try to figure out more about this Blogging thing. As I browse through other people's sites I realize that there is alot that can be done to make this spot more my own. I've been so busy(and having my laptop stolen isn't helping in wanting to work on the comptuer) that I haven't thought about it much. So I will make little changes one at a time. So many idea's and such a procrastinator!!!!
In reading a good friends blog I jumped to someone who had posted a comment and got involved in her blog. She was talking about people in America. And as sad as it is to say, I totally agree with alot of what she said. The way people percieve "Americans" in general...is appalling.
I am American, born and raised.
I don't consider myself to fall under the catagory that most people put us in. I am polite. I Love people, I can get along with a wall (if it would only talk back) Im very laid back and easy going...and low maintenance. Which I know is hard to believe because SO many woman aren't.
I agreed with her generilazation of most American men. I don't want a man prettier than me...
I don't want a man that is more dramatic than me, someone who will hog up the mirror, or take longer than me to get ready...someone who cant just walk out the door without primping....

It's so funny the way I seem to happen upon something that totally applies to my day to day living at the moment.
I'm dealing with what she was talking about as I type.
I came into work today....43 days until my move.
We have three offices. Today my supervisor comes in and as I go to walk out of the office she says "Sam, come in and close the door"
uh oh.
That always gets me, I feel like a small child waiting to be scolded...internally thinking "what did I do?" She proceeds to tell me, that two of our co-workers what work in our other office have been at each others throats. Two days ago they had a confrontation which escalated in the lobby of our very professional practice. This morning she took the two of them to Starbucks and tried to have an intervention. Nothing was resolved. One of them said if they had to stay in the situation....she would walk. My boss freaked. She said "Sam, Im having enough trouble trying to find someone to replace you, I can't afford to loose two people" and then she followed it up with "Do u think u can start working at the other office until u move"
sigh.
I have been working at the same office for 5 years. The people I work with are like my family.
Leaving my job(and subsequently the people I work with) is the ONLY downfall to me moving back to Southern California.
I LOVE my co-workers.
What's a gurl to do?
Of course, I said whatever is best for the practice, I don't want my boss in a bind.
But the more I think about it, the MADDER it makes me.
I mean...these women, are employees. Neither one of them is irreplaceable. They have worked together for 2 years. They are just being impossible. Makes me think...who is the boss?? And if these women value their job, shouldn't they be able to put aside their differences for their job?
I mean we all end up, at some point, working with someone we don't particularily like. But we aren't 12, so we work around it, and make it work. Why is it O.K. to be impossible in the workplace. And what is allowing someone to be impossible...saying to our other employees?
If u dont get yr way, and u can't get along...we will move u around(regardless of the people who ARE and HAVE been functioning for years) until u find yr nitch?

So here I sit, packing up MY desk....moving out of my place....
Being the better person that I always try to be...
Doing what is the best for everyone around me(though not always what I want)
Being that American that is unlike alot of other Americans.
Maybe I ought to move to a different country...if that is where everyone is nicer.
haha
Everyone in the office is filing past my desk (after my boss put out the email making everyone aware of the change) and emailing me. I'm already getting hugs and being made to CRY. It's like I moving today instead of 43 days from now.
This isn't something I was prepared for....
ugh

Ok, enough ranting....just had to get that off of my chest.
I wonder what my horoscope says for today??

So Funny..

That it seems no matter WHAT is going on in my life...my horoscopes just seem so insightful.
I have been SO busy lately faxing off my resume, starting to pack, looking for a place to live, getting letters of reccomendation...that I have seriously let everything else in my life fall oto the wayside. I've been on my phone so much making mandatory calls, that I hardly want to pick it up for social calls. So sorry to everyone that is near and dear to me.

My horoscope for today:

Greetings Samantha

--Here is your horoscope for Thursday, August 18:

Feeling nervous? Shake it off. That slight sense of anxiety is just a leftover sensation from how hard you've been working. Schedule in some downtime for yourself, and stick to it no matter what.


So I've decided to do just that. When? No idea. And what? No idea there either.
Tonight Mike is comming over so that we can go shopping for fabric. I promised him I would sew him some costumes for Burning Man http://www.burningman.com . I was supposed to be going with him, but with the move I will have to skip this year(which is heartbreaking in itself!!!!) I highly recommend going at least once in yr lifetime! Sooooo...no BM for me, but I will still hold true to my promise and make his costumes. We met for lunch to buy fabric and ended up doing lunch instead of shopping. So funny, once we get to talking we don't get much else done. He keeps teasing that he is going to move with me and be my houseboy. Gotta love him!

So....now to figuring out how to get a lil R&R in the midst of this thing I call life.
My co-worker is taking me to Thunder From Down Under http://www.thunderfromdownunder.com/ for a going away present (me personally, I don't go for all the guys in THONGS...just not my style) Which should be fun, more for the "gurls night" quality than anything else...
Time is a tickin away faster than I would have thought!!!
44 days and counting!

Continued:
I get my horoscope from more than one place, here is what my other one says:

Now is no time to sell yourself short. Today, you'll discover that you have what it takes to promote yourself and your ideas more aggressively

WOW!

Time for a Daily Planner.....

Feb 19 - March 20
You'll receive information today that will benefit your current efforts and enable you to help others in the long run as well.

My horoscopes always seem to be DEAD ON. I'm hoping today goes as well as yesterday did.
There is nothing like the fear of looking for a new job. Breaking out of yr safe space and venturing off into new territories. Terrifying... But totally necessary for growth.
I have been working at my current position for almost 5 years and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job. The people I work with are FANTASTIC, as well as the Doctors. But it is time for a change.
Time to move out of my safe haven and venture out into the real world and the job market...haha
FUN STUFF.
So far, I have been very lucky and gotten a call from every single person that I faxed my resume to. Today is another day, and I am going to start faxing...and hopefully will achieve the same results. I'm hoping to schedule about 10 interviews for Sept 8th and 9th, and rent a car and go home for another extended weekend. Talk about JAZZED.
My only delimma?
My daughter wants to come home with me for a week. My mom goes on her annual House Boat Trip with the women she works with and drive through Las Vegas on her way home. She usually stops and visits. In theory(according to my daughter) Carina can leave Ventura County with the boys(yes..Rhyno, Steven and Mario are going back with me) and I and drive back to Las Vegas where she will stay for a week until my mom rolls through. In theory this sounds FABULOUS....having my daughter home will be great...but in all HONESTY the thought of it scares the crap out of me. I mean, this is the same daughter that I sent away only two months ago to get her out of this town. The same people live here, the same friends are here doing the same things....all of these people my older son and I have managed to cut out of our lives...
People I know she feels the need to "save" from their own demons... People that in reality aren't our responsibility. The boys agree her comming home isnt a good idea....so what do u DO??
Random thoughts in my brain........

Faxing, Emailing....

Calling, posting....
Getting yr resume out there can really be a pain. Now I'm recalling why I am that person who stays in the same job for 5 yrs(though I must admit I have to be happy where I work or I'm out the door) Getting all of yr information together, re-doing your resume, getting new letters of recommendation...all the fun stuff that is involved in finding a new job.
I've decided I was doing things a little bit backwards in trying to look at places when I have to figure out where I am working. The Realtor said they have 5 of the houses I am looking at available, so I have decided to FOCUS on the job hunt and cross my fingers and pray that there will still be a house available by the time I find a job. I don't really want my parents to have to co-sign because I haven't found a job at the time I sign for a rental. Gotta have the job to show u can actually pay that $2400 rent.
Luckily I have about 5 of my reps putting feelers out there for me....handing out my resume for me and basically taking al of the legwork away from me, which is WONDERFUL!
I'm starting to feel like everything is comming together. In the last few weeks I have felt SO overwhelmed!! But I have just adopted that "baby steps" mentality realizing that I can only do what I can do and that has to be one thing at a time. So, little by little I am doing everything that needs to be done. I'm well on my way to finding a job, got the resume done and out there...
Made some calls on some houses and my family is running around back home looking and snapping digital photos to email me(this works because it is allowing my kids to be an integral part of house hunting with my mom and brother) Now it is just the final steps...trying to find a second job for the next 6 weeks to help save money faster, and packing! And of course nailing down the job and house. Still alot to do, but making MUCH needed headway which actually is allowing me to sleep at night. Still stressful...but more of a productive stress!
Wish me LUCK!!!

*Update-20 minutes after faxing my resume to 4 places I got a job offer. It's not exactly what I'm looking for, 1 Dr practice, no insurance and the pay could meet my low end...but probably not the high end(WHich the woman told me I would have NO problem getting in Ventura County with my experience) So we are going to keep in touch...at least it is an option =) *

My trip home

Was WONDERFUL! This is my friend Jenn, she hasn't been on the beach in a LONG time and she was Sooooooo excited to be there. Her posing CRACKED me up. The weekend was FANTASTIC and everything that I could have hoped for. Didn't actually accomplish as much as I wanted to, but it was a much needed break from Las Vegas and a MUCH MUCH MUCH needed weekend with my kids. It was horrible to leave but it gives me newfound determination to put my head in the game and get everything rolling to move home. Being around my brother and his fiance and the rest of my family made me realize how incomplete my life has been over the course of the last few years. Just hearing my brother laugh and call out to me "sister"gave me joy. My brother and I have always been very close. Somtimes it's that mushy kind of love and other times it is the "love/hate" hahaha. Not realy ever hate but u know what I mean if u have sibilings. Though I must admit, we are closer than most. People around us find it amusing because we never call eachother by our names...he is "Brother" and I am "Sister" we have used these names for eachother since we were children and they have stuck through adulthood. He is 4 yrs younger, but acts likes he is older....the kind of brother that watches me like a hawk, and is always looking out for my best interest. I must admit it gets rather annoying the way he chases the guys off though!!!!!
My kids are doing great, which is a double edged sword. As much as u want yr kids to do well...them thriving without YOU makes u feel kind of useless. Though the look in their eyes tells me that they need me and miss me. I can't wait to be where my heart is. Living on the beach...near everyone that I need and love in my life.
I'm completely jazzed to be on this journey. I just wish the end was in closer sight(and that saving enough money to MAKE that journey wasn't so difficult) I've decided I'm definatly moving at the start of Oct, whether I can afford it or not...

Sometimes u just have to bite the bullet and take that plunge!!!!

So that is exactly what I am going to do. Just GO FOR IT!!! What's the worst that can happen?
I'll be broke and squashed into tight living quarters for a few months until I can get us into a bigger place....but I'll be with those I love...where I want to be, living life the way it was meant to be lived. Sometimes just jumping into unchartered waters and doing what feels right in yr heart is the only "right" answer....and the key to finding peace.