As one must certainly be able to tell by the amount of invitations in the mail. Weddings, baby showers, house warming parties, bridal showers, babies first birthday....YAY!
I've been so crazy the last few months(and the next few to come) with everyone swirling around me. Being away for so long has made it practially impossible to go to all of these functions in the recent past, so it seems it is comming back to me in spades ha ha. All joking aside it is fab-U-lous to see everyone, and how their lives have evolved =)
So nice to be back home enjoying the beaches of Southern California. I must admit that most everyone I have run into over the years always asked me WHY I would ever leave the beach and move to Vegas. I guess my answer was mostly..."Well, I guess when u have lived somewhere for so long, you really dont appreciate it like others do" I mean, I've been born and raised in Southern California, never lived anywhere else until I moved. Being back home was strange at first. One thing I noticed immediatly...I felt at peace. Im a water person by nature. Always have been. Does being Pisces have something to do with that? Who knows. Alot of people say yes.
Ive decided that I will never live off of the ocean again. Having the waves at the end of your street is a feeling I cant quite explain. Hearing the ocean as u sleep at night, foghorn blowing, windows open with that ocean breeze blowing.
Heaven.
Well, here on earth...ha ha. Not quite, but u get the picture.
Here's to being home, re-aquainting with old friends and making new ones.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
I've noticed
that my posts have been kinda melancholy lately.
Such is my life at the moment.
Kinda wierd to feel so displaced when all I did was move back "home".
Life changes...for the better? or the worse? Who knows. I suppose only
time will tell.
Between health issues(the back) and feeling so lonely for the friends I left in Vegas...I just havent felt like myself at ALL lately. I have noticed it, but not as much as when my X boyfriend and i had a conversation the other day.
"So schweetie peaz(yes, he still calls my by nicknames though we have been broken up for over 4 years) whats going on?"
We have been friends for years, and we talk about everything. So he asks about men in my life, and as i talk he notices that every man I bring up has the stigma "platonic" behind the name. He asks what is wrong with me...and I think..."wrong?"
"yeah, wrong. For years I have always lived vicarously through you...with all of yr stories, sexual trists and antics....and all of a sudden, they all stopped. You turning Lezbo on me?"
Ha ha. Now to know Milo is to LOVE him. He speaks his mind, and talks from his heart. So I know he is joking, but when I think about it...he is right. My social life has seriously DECLINED since I moved back to my home town. I dont go out, I dont date, I dont mingle. I work, come home..hang with my kids...and seriously do NOTHING. Hard to meet men(or people in general) when u are sitting in your living room.
The conversation got me to thinking...thinking about things that i don't like to think about.
I've proclaimed this year as "the year to find myself and figure shit out" and now, here I sit, 5 months into the year no closer to having ANYTHING figured out.
38 years old, my kids are almost grown up. I should have things figured out. This isnt where I thought i would be when i was almost 40. Thought I'd have a lil more going on inmy life. A lil more sense of who I am, and what it is that I want out of life.
I've spent so many years raising kids...so many years putting others needs before my own...that as I enter this phase where i have time for myself...I simply dont know what to do with it.
Maybe I need therapy.
In all honesty Milo thinks I just need a good romp. Which might help...temporarily...but what is the fix long term?
So indecisive.
The time has come to make changes.
I've always been an extremely social person. SO having to DRAG it out of myself at the moment is a lil strange.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. ANd unless I want a bleak outlook, I suppose it is time for me to DO something about my sad state of affairs.
I used to play in a pool league. Ive contacted the local league cordinator. Im starting on a new team next week. Men with sticks is always a good place to start! Plus Im starting with a personal trainer this week (we all know that loosing weight, working out andwhippin the good old body into shape is a surefire way to help yrself just feel better) Baby Steps.
Ok, there is a beginning to a social life...and maybe a start to get myself back on track.
Wish me luck!
Such is my life at the moment.
Kinda wierd to feel so displaced when all I did was move back "home".
Life changes...for the better? or the worse? Who knows. I suppose only
time will tell.
Between health issues(the back) and feeling so lonely for the friends I left in Vegas...I just havent felt like myself at ALL lately. I have noticed it, but not as much as when my X boyfriend and i had a conversation the other day.
"So schweetie peaz(yes, he still calls my by nicknames though we have been broken up for over 4 years) whats going on?"
We have been friends for years, and we talk about everything. So he asks about men in my life, and as i talk he notices that every man I bring up has the stigma "platonic" behind the name. He asks what is wrong with me...and I think..."wrong?"
"yeah, wrong. For years I have always lived vicarously through you...with all of yr stories, sexual trists and antics....and all of a sudden, they all stopped. You turning Lezbo on me?"
Ha ha. Now to know Milo is to LOVE him. He speaks his mind, and talks from his heart. So I know he is joking, but when I think about it...he is right. My social life has seriously DECLINED since I moved back to my home town. I dont go out, I dont date, I dont mingle. I work, come home..hang with my kids...and seriously do NOTHING. Hard to meet men(or people in general) when u are sitting in your living room.
The conversation got me to thinking...thinking about things that i don't like to think about.
I've proclaimed this year as "the year to find myself and figure shit out" and now, here I sit, 5 months into the year no closer to having ANYTHING figured out.
38 years old, my kids are almost grown up. I should have things figured out. This isnt where I thought i would be when i was almost 40. Thought I'd have a lil more going on inmy life. A lil more sense of who I am, and what it is that I want out of life.
I've spent so many years raising kids...so many years putting others needs before my own...that as I enter this phase where i have time for myself...I simply dont know what to do with it.
Maybe I need therapy.
In all honesty Milo thinks I just need a good romp. Which might help...temporarily...but what is the fix long term?
So indecisive.
The time has come to make changes.
I've always been an extremely social person. SO having to DRAG it out of myself at the moment is a lil strange.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. ANd unless I want a bleak outlook, I suppose it is time for me to DO something about my sad state of affairs.
I used to play in a pool league. Ive contacted the local league cordinator. Im starting on a new team next week. Men with sticks is always a good place to start! Plus Im starting with a personal trainer this week (we all know that loosing weight, working out andwhippin the good old body into shape is a surefire way to help yrself just feel better) Baby Steps.
Ok, there is a beginning to a social life...and maybe a start to get myself back on track.
Wish me luck!
Monday, May 22, 2006
telling someone that u love them...
can sometimes be hard to do. In reality, you know when u love someone. You can feel it in yr chest. Starts as a flutter and then blossoms.
But sometimes, love happens when u least expect it, or when u are trying to avoid it. Then u arent really sure what those flutters are...because u are in denial, and hiding it from yourself. It manifests itself in a different ways. Confuses you and torments your mind. Makes nights sleepless and dreams foggy. Then one day you wake up and everything is suddenly clear...
You love this person...
Now what do u do?
Play love tag for four years only to one day write it all down in poetic well phrased words...
And now the waiting game is upon us...
anyone feel like playing?
But sometimes, love happens when u least expect it, or when u are trying to avoid it. Then u arent really sure what those flutters are...because u are in denial, and hiding it from yourself. It manifests itself in a different ways. Confuses you and torments your mind. Makes nights sleepless and dreams foggy. Then one day you wake up and everything is suddenly clear...
You love this person...
Now what do u do?
Play love tag for four years only to one day write it all down in poetic well phrased words...
And now the waiting game is upon us...
anyone feel like playing?
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
My Grandfather is getting married June 10th. Why am I posting about this...you might ask? You see, my Grandfather, Pappy as I call him, was married to my Grandmother(Granny) for 55 years at the time of her death. 6 months later, and out of the blue...he got remarried. To me, it was such a dishonor to my grandmother that I think I have never truely gotten over it. I skipped the wedding. In all honesty, I wasnt even close to getting over her death and I struggled like crazy to understand how my Pappy could just pick up and move on after sharing so many years with my fathers mother, a woman like no other. I remember her so vividly...her voice, the way she would laugh, that strange glint she would get in her eyes when she was getting mad...it doesnt even seem like any time has passed. As I sit here and type...i realize alot of time has. 10 years to be exact. About 6 months ago his 2nd wife Edna passed away. I went to the funeral out of familial obligation and for my Grandfather(whom I have had a hard time calling "Pappy" since all of this transpired, because MY Pappy wouldnt have done this...not to Granny, not to my family and most certainly not to me). After the funeral we all went back to my Aunt and Uncles lake house. There were a few cracks and bets made on how long it would take my grandfather to remarry...all those old ladies in the Senior Center think he is SUCH a catch!
Today I got that call. If it wasnt so disturbing, I probably would have laughed. I mean, I just don't understand. What possesses people to just jump frm one relationship to another??
Im the complete oposite of this. And when I say "complete" I mean "COMPLETE".
It all started in 1987 when I took my wedding vows on a chilly December day. December 19th to be exact.
I married a man that I was deeply in love with. A man I thought I would spend my life with. My family loved him, my friends loved him...but most of all I loved him. 12 years later I left him. Things happen, people grow(and not always in the same direction, mind you) things got ugly, and this person that I loved with all of my heart ended up being the person who has hurt me most in my life. When it comes to relationships and love, I am VERY guarded. Something that as I get older, I am trying to change. I guess I have a deep seeded fear of being hurt. Something I am just comming to terms with. It took me almost 2 1/2 years to venture back out into the relationship world after my divorce and when that ended, I was single for about another 2 years before I got involved. That lasted between a year and two(withsome fuzzy time in there of "not knowing" what was going on) This October I will have been single for three years. As I sit and contemplate #1.how difficult it really is to find someone that you just click with on every level. And #2, am I the only one that thinks that way? So many people married, divorced and remarried before the ink is even dry on the dotted line. Am I a rarity...a freak, or just plain wierd?
hmmmm, the things that swirl around in my head.
Today I got that call. If it wasnt so disturbing, I probably would have laughed. I mean, I just don't understand. What possesses people to just jump frm one relationship to another??
Im the complete oposite of this. And when I say "complete" I mean "COMPLETE".
It all started in 1987 when I took my wedding vows on a chilly December day. December 19th to be exact.
I married a man that I was deeply in love with. A man I thought I would spend my life with. My family loved him, my friends loved him...but most of all I loved him. 12 years later I left him. Things happen, people grow(and not always in the same direction, mind you) things got ugly, and this person that I loved with all of my heart ended up being the person who has hurt me most in my life. When it comes to relationships and love, I am VERY guarded. Something that as I get older, I am trying to change. I guess I have a deep seeded fear of being hurt. Something I am just comming to terms with. It took me almost 2 1/2 years to venture back out into the relationship world after my divorce and when that ended, I was single for about another 2 years before I got involved. That lasted between a year and two(withsome fuzzy time in there of "not knowing" what was going on) This October I will have been single for three years. As I sit and contemplate #1.how difficult it really is to find someone that you just click with on every level. And #2, am I the only one that thinks that way? So many people married, divorced and remarried before the ink is even dry on the dotted line. Am I a rarity...a freak, or just plain wierd?
hmmmm, the things that swirl around in my head.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
ok
So now back home with feet firmly planted on the ground. Always nice when someone loves u back...but now what?
We have been friends for years, friends with benefits for four, and loved eachother probably that whole time. But what to do next?
Where do u go from here. Im one of those people afraid of commitment. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of taking that leap. Guess we shold renickname me "SUPER CHICKEN"!!
I dont just jump into anything headfirst. Not relationship wise anyways.
So, I love this man, and he me. But then why does it always seem to difficult to speak that love to him? In theory Im thinking because we have spent so many years in denial of that feeling. I mean, friends with benefits arent supposed to "fall" for eachother. And I seldom do. Im perfectly capable of just having sex with a man and not getting emotionally involved. Just not with THIS man.
So the question of the day is this....
What do u do when the man u realize has yr heart in his hands, loves you back?
Do u throw caution to the wind and just go for it? Do u forget that there is a great friendship that is the foundation for this love, and just cast that aside and jump into something? Step out of that lil box we have been in and explore the whole world? See if we could possibly be wonderful together? ( Which I know by theway, the answer would be we'd be Fab-U-Lous!)
I have alot on my mind. So confused. Not about my feelings, but about what we do with them now. He is still an hour and 1/2 away from me...and I don't believe in long distance relationships. Not my style, never has been.
So Im not too sure where to go with this. We both have things we are working on, things in our lives that have to be taken care of for our own personal satisfaction. Growing changing things...things that have to be seen through to the end. Which still leaves me in one place, and him in another.
Im not a person to push...I believe in fate. And the possibility that things that are meant to be, will simply be. He doesnt agree. HA HAHA. ONE thing in life we disagree on.
So I take a step back and realize that it has taken us an eternity to even come to this point. Some things are worth the wait. And I definatly believe he is one of those things. Only time will tell what will happen. And I think Iwant to let this thing take on a form of its own, without pushing or any pressure. I want to relish the feeling of loving someone and being loved back....
So in laymans terms, I will do nothing. And wait for nature to take its course.
In all honesty, if he loves me and misses me the way i do him....then it will work itself out. If not, then maybe it wasnt meant to be.
So, what does anyone else think? Beucase I certainly know that I suck at this relationship stuff. But getting better I think. Always a work in progess. But isnt that what life is all about anyways??
ta ta
We have been friends for years, friends with benefits for four, and loved eachother probably that whole time. But what to do next?
Where do u go from here. Im one of those people afraid of commitment. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of taking that leap. Guess we shold renickname me "SUPER CHICKEN"!!
I dont just jump into anything headfirst. Not relationship wise anyways.
So, I love this man, and he me. But then why does it always seem to difficult to speak that love to him? In theory Im thinking because we have spent so many years in denial of that feeling. I mean, friends with benefits arent supposed to "fall" for eachother. And I seldom do. Im perfectly capable of just having sex with a man and not getting emotionally involved. Just not with THIS man.
So the question of the day is this....
What do u do when the man u realize has yr heart in his hands, loves you back?
Do u throw caution to the wind and just go for it? Do u forget that there is a great friendship that is the foundation for this love, and just cast that aside and jump into something? Step out of that lil box we have been in and explore the whole world? See if we could possibly be wonderful together? ( Which I know by theway, the answer would be we'd be Fab-U-Lous!)
I have alot on my mind. So confused. Not about my feelings, but about what we do with them now. He is still an hour and 1/2 away from me...and I don't believe in long distance relationships. Not my style, never has been.
So Im not too sure where to go with this. We both have things we are working on, things in our lives that have to be taken care of for our own personal satisfaction. Growing changing things...things that have to be seen through to the end. Which still leaves me in one place, and him in another.
Im not a person to push...I believe in fate. And the possibility that things that are meant to be, will simply be. He doesnt agree. HA HAHA. ONE thing in life we disagree on.
So I take a step back and realize that it has taken us an eternity to even come to this point. Some things are worth the wait. And I definatly believe he is one of those things. Only time will tell what will happen. And I think Iwant to let this thing take on a form of its own, without pushing or any pressure. I want to relish the feeling of loving someone and being loved back....
So in laymans terms, I will do nothing. And wait for nature to take its course.
In all honesty, if he loves me and misses me the way i do him....then it will work itself out. If not, then maybe it wasnt meant to be.
So, what does anyone else think? Beucase I certainly know that I suck at this relationship stuff. But getting better I think. Always a work in progess. But isnt that what life is all about anyways??
ta ta
FIGURES!!! here is my horoscope for yesterday when all of this was swirlingaround in my head!!
Dear Samantha,Here is your horoscopefor Monday, April 24:
Some personal matters have become quite a tangled web lately, and it's time to start unraveling things before they get more complicated. Face the facts and look for the simplest and quickest solutions.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
fab-U-lous weekend....
Lets set aside the fact that I left town to go to LA for the weekend to go to House Of Blues with a bunch of girlfriendz then subsequently toook my pain meds for my back AND drank...ended up totally missing the show I went to see AND got back to motel room(no clue how, though I DO remember argueing with my Cab driver) by 11:30 PM. Next take...in Newport with the man of my dreams(ok, so someone I have been sleeping with for the past 4 yrs that i s my dream catch and SO Mr Wonderful... Dream boat and 1/2. Bea-UtifUL.....X's 2........Always loved him and know 100% he loves me....never admitted it to him, so it felt nice to snuggle into him and let him know how much i love love love him. only made better by the faqct that he loves me tooooo! Kissing in the rain is always the best! Always nice when the I LOVE YOU(which he has said many times only I never followed suit) Is followed up with the reciprocal I LOVE YOU!
What to do when the man you love to death and desire beyond the reaches of the earth, loves you back..........?
Always a question to be pondered...
but at this moment, my HOT guy is waitiing in bed =)
muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
What to do when the man you love to death and desire beyond the reaches of the earth, loves you back..........?
Always a question to be pondered...
but at this moment, my HOT guy is waitiing in bed =)
muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
So....
Alot of things have been happening lately, and I just haven't taken the time to post anything. First off the manager at our gym has been stalking my daughter. And I mean literally stalking her. He got our info out of the computer, and he was being really overly friendly when we would come and go from the gym. A week after my daughter turned 18 he started showing up at her work and harrassing her. Its been this HUGE ordeal!! ugh!
On another note, my oldest Steven who is turning 22 on Friday has decided to spread his wings and move out. He is my step-son, but I have raised him everyday since he was 2, even after my divorce, he has lived with me. So he is as much my child as humanly possible. This moving out business is a rather bittersweet moment. I mean, we all raise our kids knowing that at some point they will grow up and move out on their own. Im happy he has reached that point in his life that he is ready to make that grown up step...butI feel a bit of sadness as my kids grow older and seem not to need me any more. I've come to realize that the statement my brother made last week is true. I need to find a life of my own, one that doesnt always revolve 100% around my kids. Im realizing that I have put alot of my wants/needs and desires on the backburner over the years while I was raising my kids. I've always wanted to travel, to go back to school, to further my career, maybe even work two jobs for a bit to pay off some of my debt. My life has always been so busy singlehandedly raising three kids, that I had almost completely forgotten that I once had dreams that I intended to follow. Dreams of my own. Can I still achieve my dreams? And follow me heart into the oblivion we all call life?
I guess I am about to find out.
I've decided to take inventory of my life. Do some of the things that I have always longed to do. Starting with going back to school this fall. Maybe even starting this summer. I'm ready to take that leap of faith. To have enough faith in myself to make changes that will most definalty improve my life.
I've also been thinking about my social/dating life. Or should I say lackthereof. My x-boyfriend and I broke up 2 1/2 yrs ago. That was the last time I have had a boyfriend. Funny thing is, when guys meet me, they always ask me"why are you single?" I mean, Im decent looking, have a funloving carefree personality, get along well with just about everyone....so why am I single?
It's been a personal choice. I'm not one that just jumps into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. I have to really connect with someone on alot of levels before I move forward. But as I sit and think about it, I realize that I have just completely shut the relationship issue door. In all honesty, Ive had NO desire to be in a relationship or date. Single is a state of mind for me, one that transforms into reality without me even realizing it. I have gotten so caught up in the parenting of my kids and trying to be their all(since their dad has seriously lacked in that department) that I havent really been living my life.
I've never been one to get lonely(how can anyone be lonely when they have a house full of kids?!?!) but in recent weeks I have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. As winter turns to summer, Im thinking about the small things in life. Waking up to someone laying next to you, holding hands as you walk along the beach, sharing an ice cream cone. Just seeing that someone you love smile.
During the conversation my brother and i were having last week, he said that he wants me to have a boyfriend. I start with the "WHY DO I NEED A BOYFRIEND? YOU DONT THINK THAT A WOMAN CAN BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A MAN?"
His responce was simple. He said "I love you Sister. And that smile and twinkle that u have when u are in love is amazing, it's a happiness that I havent seen in yr eyes in a long long time, and I miss it. I just want you to be blissfully happy sis"
*sigh*
ok, now THAT brought me to complete tears.
Alot of things to ponder at the moment...which seems to be the only time i post..ha ha ha
Guess I'll just have to work on improving me, and taking better care of MY needs.
Sometimes, u have to put yrself first. And with 3 short years left until all of my kids reach the legal age and contemplate moving out and on with their lives....I guess it is time to start working on that. Working on me, and the things I desire in life =)
On another note, my oldest Steven who is turning 22 on Friday has decided to spread his wings and move out. He is my step-son, but I have raised him everyday since he was 2, even after my divorce, he has lived with me. So he is as much my child as humanly possible. This moving out business is a rather bittersweet moment. I mean, we all raise our kids knowing that at some point they will grow up and move out on their own. Im happy he has reached that point in his life that he is ready to make that grown up step...butI feel a bit of sadness as my kids grow older and seem not to need me any more. I've come to realize that the statement my brother made last week is true. I need to find a life of my own, one that doesnt always revolve 100% around my kids. Im realizing that I have put alot of my wants/needs and desires on the backburner over the years while I was raising my kids. I've always wanted to travel, to go back to school, to further my career, maybe even work two jobs for a bit to pay off some of my debt. My life has always been so busy singlehandedly raising three kids, that I had almost completely forgotten that I once had dreams that I intended to follow. Dreams of my own. Can I still achieve my dreams? And follow me heart into the oblivion we all call life?
I guess I am about to find out.
I've decided to take inventory of my life. Do some of the things that I have always longed to do. Starting with going back to school this fall. Maybe even starting this summer. I'm ready to take that leap of faith. To have enough faith in myself to make changes that will most definalty improve my life.
I've also been thinking about my social/dating life. Or should I say lackthereof. My x-boyfriend and I broke up 2 1/2 yrs ago. That was the last time I have had a boyfriend. Funny thing is, when guys meet me, they always ask me"why are you single?" I mean, Im decent looking, have a funloving carefree personality, get along well with just about everyone....so why am I single?
It's been a personal choice. I'm not one that just jumps into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. I have to really connect with someone on alot of levels before I move forward. But as I sit and think about it, I realize that I have just completely shut the relationship issue door. In all honesty, Ive had NO desire to be in a relationship or date. Single is a state of mind for me, one that transforms into reality without me even realizing it. I have gotten so caught up in the parenting of my kids and trying to be their all(since their dad has seriously lacked in that department) that I havent really been living my life.
I've never been one to get lonely(how can anyone be lonely when they have a house full of kids?!?!) but in recent weeks I have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. As winter turns to summer, Im thinking about the small things in life. Waking up to someone laying next to you, holding hands as you walk along the beach, sharing an ice cream cone. Just seeing that someone you love smile.
During the conversation my brother and i were having last week, he said that he wants me to have a boyfriend. I start with the "WHY DO I NEED A BOYFRIEND? YOU DONT THINK THAT A WOMAN CAN BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A MAN?"
His responce was simple. He said "I love you Sister. And that smile and twinkle that u have when u are in love is amazing, it's a happiness that I havent seen in yr eyes in a long long time, and I miss it. I just want you to be blissfully happy sis"
*sigh*
ok, now THAT brought me to complete tears.
Alot of things to ponder at the moment...which seems to be the only time i post..ha ha ha
Guess I'll just have to work on improving me, and taking better care of MY needs.
Sometimes, u have to put yrself first. And with 3 short years left until all of my kids reach the legal age and contemplate moving out and on with their lives....I guess it is time to start working on that. Working on me, and the things I desire in life =)
Monday, April 10, 2006
I've been SERIOUSLY lacking...
In alot of avenues of life lately. Things just seem wierd, out of the ordinary. Not just the back issues I have been having. It's more. I mean, I had my MRI and am just waiting to go in for the Spinal Surgery Consultation. YAY! NOT!
I just don't feel like myself lately. I feel like I am sitting on the outside looking in on someone else life. *sigh*
No motivation for anything. Anything. At the start of the year I was on the workout fasttrack, and since all the rain, I just seriously don't have the strength to get out of bed. Some mornings it feels like DEATH! I'm just tired. Sleep always sounds sooooo good, but always seems to elude me(as I type this it is already 2:50 am and I have to be at work in 6 hours).
I have flowers that have been sitting by my front door for the last month, still in the store bought cartons waiting to be planted. soil and new pots collecting rain. The beach is at the end of my street...and I was taking advantage of it everyday since I moved here. Today the sun was out for the first time in weeks. It was my day off, and I never stepped foot outdoors.
Melancholy.
No real reason. Rain for the past month, almost everyday. Maybe that is part of it. The back problems, Doctors upon Doctors. Do they really know what they are doing? Is it safe to let someone slice up yr back and fu(k with yr spine? One small slip and life as u know it...gone in an instant.
My life seems like an endless stream of run on sentences. Endless problems that seem to have no answer. I know if I wold just get off my ass and make some posative changes...life would change and things would get better. Or would they?
Always something to ponder over.
Things u need to get out of yr head, even when they don't make sense.
Gotta love a blog.
I think I need to go back to posting more regularly.
Makes me feel better.
I just don't feel like myself lately. I feel like I am sitting on the outside looking in on someone else life. *sigh*
No motivation for anything. Anything. At the start of the year I was on the workout fasttrack, and since all the rain, I just seriously don't have the strength to get out of bed. Some mornings it feels like DEATH! I'm just tired. Sleep always sounds sooooo good, but always seems to elude me(as I type this it is already 2:50 am and I have to be at work in 6 hours).
I have flowers that have been sitting by my front door for the last month, still in the store bought cartons waiting to be planted. soil and new pots collecting rain. The beach is at the end of my street...and I was taking advantage of it everyday since I moved here. Today the sun was out for the first time in weeks. It was my day off, and I never stepped foot outdoors.
Melancholy.
No real reason. Rain for the past month, almost everyday. Maybe that is part of it. The back problems, Doctors upon Doctors. Do they really know what they are doing? Is it safe to let someone slice up yr back and fu(k with yr spine? One small slip and life as u know it...gone in an instant.
My life seems like an endless stream of run on sentences. Endless problems that seem to have no answer. I know if I wold just get off my ass and make some posative changes...life would change and things would get better. Or would they?
Always something to ponder over.
Things u need to get out of yr head, even when they don't make sense.
Gotta love a blog.
I think I need to go back to posting more regularly.
Makes me feel better.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Ive been sooooo
busy that I just dont know what to do with myself. Seems that since I have moved out of Vegas my life is just full of overwhelming things.
It's been a pretty relaxing weekend. Ive had a steady stream of visitors since I moved back to Cali. Guess living on the beach tends to do that!
Not that I'm complaining, I really like having company. Just with all of the back issues...my stamina doesnt seem to be what it was...even from a few months ago! This last 10 days has been filled with kids. Well...not really kids. Teenagers. ha ha. Dont know which is worse! Ive had about 10 kids come through my door all in the name of "Spring Break".
And though I must admit it has been nice seeing everyone, I'm definatly ready for tomorrow morning to come. Bags will be packed. Hugs and kisses will be given...and well wishes for a safe trip will be said. And thencome nightfall...my house will once again belong to me.
*sigh*
I've kinda gotten away from working out the past few weeks...which was really helping me sleep. It also seemed to help with the back.
10 am manana, the lady from the State Compinsation Fund will be here to interview me about my work injury. Tomorrow is will be the determining factor in deciding whether or not we go forward with the Dr's plans for a triple vertabrae disc replacement surgery. YAY!
I can hardly wait.
It's been a pretty relaxing weekend. Ive had a steady stream of visitors since I moved back to Cali. Guess living on the beach tends to do that!
Not that I'm complaining, I really like having company. Just with all of the back issues...my stamina doesnt seem to be what it was...even from a few months ago! This last 10 days has been filled with kids. Well...not really kids. Teenagers. ha ha. Dont know which is worse! Ive had about 10 kids come through my door all in the name of "Spring Break".
And though I must admit it has been nice seeing everyone, I'm definatly ready for tomorrow morning to come. Bags will be packed. Hugs and kisses will be given...and well wishes for a safe trip will be said. And thencome nightfall...my house will once again belong to me.
*sigh*
I've kinda gotten away from working out the past few weeks...which was really helping me sleep. It also seemed to help with the back.
10 am manana, the lady from the State Compinsation Fund will be here to interview me about my work injury. Tomorrow is will be the determining factor in deciding whether or not we go forward with the Dr's plans for a triple vertabrae disc replacement surgery. YAY!
I can hardly wait.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Is there something wrong when...
every single song by Kelly Clarkson reminds you of one person? This to me,
is rather disturbing. Listening to Kelly Clakrson in itself is disturbing, being as Im not now, and have never been into her kind of music....ever.
My friend Gil let me copy all of his CD collection into my computer so that I can start burning CD's. One of those CD's is
Kelly Clarkson I
have to admit, she has a beautiful voice, and her album
Breakaway has me completely stuck.
It's funny how something can remind u of someone, strange how someone's words and feelings can so represent your own. Either Kelly and I have had the same affair and lived the same lives (which Im sincerely doubting being as there is like a 16 yr age gap) Or those songs were written for me. You choose. Either way, this realization has gotten me to thinking. How long should we let someone rule those places in our heads? And what do we do when every sappy love song reminds us of them? I've personally known this man for about 5 years. We've never "dated" so much as been best friends...with sex mixed in there of course. But somewhere in there, something happened. On both sides. Times have been odd, things have changed. He lives in one place, I in another...we've always remained close, and kept in touch. He recently confessed feelings, told me he has always had them,has always been inlove with me, but was scared. He is at an impass in his life. Trying to fix problems that he has created for himself. So I wait. Or do i? What do u do, when the one person that u think u could love the most for all time... seems just out of reach?
This is especially hard for me. Im just not a relationship person. Never have been...and Im not sure i ever will be. Ive had three(yes count them 1...2...3...) serious relationships in my 38 yrs. One being my husband of 12 yrs. My X Mike...and then Milo. I dont succumb to feelings very easily. I often live in my safe little world...ignoring the advances of most men, uness Im due for some booty or feel SERIOUS sparks.
So why is it that this man has ahold of my heart?
There were so many times that I thought this lil game of back and forth was over, done with...and I was ready tomove forward. But there he sits. An image in my mind. Filling up my heart. Right out of my grasp. Feelings there...but for how long...and to what end?
How long do u wait for the one u love? And how do u decide when enough is enough.
Time to move on, and let bygones be bygones....
I guess what is meant to be, will be, regardless of my actions.
Its crazy...no matter how old u get, u just dont have the answers to the most important questions.
is rather disturbing. Listening to Kelly Clakrson in itself is disturbing, being as Im not now, and have never been into her kind of music....ever.
My friend Gil let me copy all of his CD collection into my computer so that I can start burning CD's. One of those CD's is
Kelly Clarkson I
have to admit, she has a beautiful voice, and her album
Breakaway has me completely stuck.
It's funny how something can remind u of someone, strange how someone's words and feelings can so represent your own. Either Kelly and I have had the same affair and lived the same lives (which Im sincerely doubting being as there is like a 16 yr age gap) Or those songs were written for me. You choose. Either way, this realization has gotten me to thinking. How long should we let someone rule those places in our heads? And what do we do when every sappy love song reminds us of them? I've personally known this man for about 5 years. We've never "dated" so much as been best friends...with sex mixed in there of course. But somewhere in there, something happened. On both sides. Times have been odd, things have changed. He lives in one place, I in another...we've always remained close, and kept in touch. He recently confessed feelings, told me he has always had them,has always been inlove with me, but was scared. He is at an impass in his life. Trying to fix problems that he has created for himself. So I wait. Or do i? What do u do, when the one person that u think u could love the most for all time... seems just out of reach?
This is especially hard for me. Im just not a relationship person. Never have been...and Im not sure i ever will be. Ive had three(yes count them 1...2...3...) serious relationships in my 38 yrs. One being my husband of 12 yrs. My X Mike...and then Milo. I dont succumb to feelings very easily. I often live in my safe little world...ignoring the advances of most men, uness Im due for some booty or feel SERIOUS sparks.
So why is it that this man has ahold of my heart?
There were so many times that I thought this lil game of back and forth was over, done with...and I was ready tomove forward. But there he sits. An image in my mind. Filling up my heart. Right out of my grasp. Feelings there...but for how long...and to what end?
How long do u wait for the one u love? And how do u decide when enough is enough.
Time to move on, and let bygones be bygones....
I guess what is meant to be, will be, regardless of my actions.
Its crazy...no matter how old u get, u just dont have the answers to the most important questions.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Horoscopes...
Are something I live by, it always amazes me how close they are to what is really going on in yr life.
Dear Samantha,
Here is your horoscopefor Tuesday, March 14:
You have the soul of a poet. You're able to see the underlying connections and the subtleties that other people just gloss over. You know that human nature is basically good, even when times seem to indicate otherwise.
Lately Ive been SO stuck on
Limewire and Myspace that I'm suprised I can even find time to sleep. LOL
Guess I'm slaggin on my blog, but OH, I'm having SO much fun doin' it!!!!!
Dear Samantha,
Here is your horoscopefor Tuesday, March 14:
You have the soul of a poet. You're able to see the underlying connections and the subtleties that other people just gloss over. You know that human nature is basically good, even when times seem to indicate otherwise.
Lately Ive been SO stuck on
Limewire and Myspace that I'm suprised I can even find time to sleep. LOL
Guess I'm slaggin on my blog, but OH, I'm having SO much fun doin' it!!!!!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Todays Horoscope:
Pisces Horoscope:
March 08, 2006
All of us worry from time to time, especially when tiny issues suddenly seem to multiply. At the moment, you might be worrying a bit more than you really should, but you won't be willing to let it go until you've spoken to someone about it. Whether the issue is health or work-related doesn't matter. Face it, get it over with, and get it done. It's time for a new start, but you won't be able to pull that off until you're sure.
isnt it funny how horoscopes always seem to hit the head on the nail?? Who WRITES this stuff anyhow??
A funny for everyone, this shit ALWAYS makes me SMILE!!
March 08, 2006
All of us worry from time to time, especially when tiny issues suddenly seem to multiply. At the moment, you might be worrying a bit more than you really should, but you won't be willing to let it go until you've spoken to someone about it. Whether the issue is health or work-related doesn't matter. Face it, get it over with, and get it done. It's time for a new start, but you won't be able to pull that off until you're sure.
isnt it funny how horoscopes always seem to hit the head on the nail?? Who WRITES this stuff anyhow??
A funny for everyone, this shit ALWAYS makes me SMILE!!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Monday, March 06, 2006
Been Busy...
Playing on MySpace.com. I've had an account on there for a long time, just kinda let it sit there because I was busy with other things inmy life.
Been STUCK on it, I think everyone should check it out, it is a great way to find people u have lost and stay in touch with those u havent lost! My addy is http://www.myspace.com/sammie1968
On another note, went to the Dr' today and found out that he is really thinking SURGERY. Not one, but two...one of them being disc replacement. *fun*
Kinda depressed. Things like this don't usually happen to someone that just turned 38 last week...so why do they always seem to happen to me?
Just another bump in the road I suppose. Least I got some good drugs out of it, which makes the pain at least somewhat bearable.
Been STUCK on it, I think everyone should check it out, it is a great way to find people u have lost and stay in touch with those u havent lost! My addy is http://www.myspace.com/sammie1968
On another note, went to the Dr' today and found out that he is really thinking SURGERY. Not one, but two...one of them being disc replacement. *fun*
Kinda depressed. Things like this don't usually happen to someone that just turned 38 last week...so why do they always seem to happen to me?
Just another bump in the road I suppose. Least I got some good drugs out of it, which makes the pain at least somewhat bearable.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Today was a good day....
Didn't start out that way...my car wouldn't start, I had to call my "mommy" to come pick me up and give me a ride to work(but come to think of it, Im close enough to call my mommy to come help me, which in itself is a great feeling). Got to work a few minutes late, wet hair, no makeup...and to top it all off, I had a DATE after work. Yes boys and girls, you heard it right...a date. Havasu Guy. Met him in Havasu about 2-3 yrs ago. He came to visit me in Vegas a few times. We've always stayed in touch. We have amazing chemistry, always have. The only problem we have ever had was distance. I lived in Vegas, he in Orange County. Now I've moved back home, and the distance has gone from 5 1/2 -6 hrs, to 1 1/2 hrs. A HGE difference and it's a distance he has decided he is willing to travel to see me. Kewl thing is, his daughter goes to UCSB, so he has to pass right through where I live everytime he goes to see her. Being around him most of the day and until midnight tonight has made me realize how much I miss dating. You see, I've always been a very happy single girl. I'm content to be by myself, and I've never "had" to have a man like so many women I know.
Since moving back from Vegas, I've really been low low key as far as a social life is concerned. And I really don't know why. I mean, I'm back in my home town, back on MY turf. Living in a place where I know everyone, and can hardly go into a store without running into someone I know. So why such a lull in my dating/social life?? This is something I have been pondering for the past several weeks and I have come to the conclusion that it is my own fault.
I just haven't been "up" to it. Between the flu, back problems, moving, a new job...and all of that jazz...I've basically let things for ME slide. Adjusting to a whole new life after moving isn't ever easy, especially when u move from state to state. The kids and I have had to completly re-adjust and I can honestly admit, it hasn't been an easy transition. We went from being popular people with plenty of social activity and friends, to moving back home to virtually none of our friends where we left them. Up until now, we have just let it be that way. We work, come home and spend time as a family. I visit my brother, my parents...and a few of my Vegas friends have come to visit, but it's not the same. I want that comfort of going out, having friends to call to meet up for a drink...and Ive decided I'm the only one that can fix that.
Going on a date was my new start. Talking for hours, lil kisses like happy teenagers...it all felt good. Made me feel alive. I like George(for those of you reading in the past he is the one that is going to help me restore my old timer pickup truck!)
I've had alot on my mind lately. My brian starts spinning, and I seem to have the perfect topic to blog about...everytime I'm NO WHERE near a computer. I'm going to start making notes. Writing down my thoughts and feelings is a way that I've always dealt with shit in my life, and putting it all to paper(or computer screen in the current moment) always gives me a calming feeling. My own personal way of getting things out of my head.
I feel at peace tonight as I head to bed. Still feeling fresh kisses on my lips. The feeling of life starting once again. Doing things for ME, and finding time to put myself out there and meet people. Regain the social life I once had. Do something for myself for once.
It's been a god day.
And even though, in my life, all days are good days...this one ranked up there just a lil higher than most lately.
Sweet Dreams everyone, I know I'll be having them =)
Since moving back from Vegas, I've really been low low key as far as a social life is concerned. And I really don't know why. I mean, I'm back in my home town, back on MY turf. Living in a place where I know everyone, and can hardly go into a store without running into someone I know. So why such a lull in my dating/social life?? This is something I have been pondering for the past several weeks and I have come to the conclusion that it is my own fault.
I just haven't been "up" to it. Between the flu, back problems, moving, a new job...and all of that jazz...I've basically let things for ME slide. Adjusting to a whole new life after moving isn't ever easy, especially when u move from state to state. The kids and I have had to completly re-adjust and I can honestly admit, it hasn't been an easy transition. We went from being popular people with plenty of social activity and friends, to moving back home to virtually none of our friends where we left them. Up until now, we have just let it be that way. We work, come home and spend time as a family. I visit my brother, my parents...and a few of my Vegas friends have come to visit, but it's not the same. I want that comfort of going out, having friends to call to meet up for a drink...and Ive decided I'm the only one that can fix that.
Going on a date was my new start. Talking for hours, lil kisses like happy teenagers...it all felt good. Made me feel alive. I like George(for those of you reading in the past he is the one that is going to help me restore my old timer pickup truck!)
I've had alot on my mind lately. My brian starts spinning, and I seem to have the perfect topic to blog about...everytime I'm NO WHERE near a computer. I'm going to start making notes. Writing down my thoughts and feelings is a way that I've always dealt with shit in my life, and putting it all to paper(or computer screen in the current moment) always gives me a calming feeling. My own personal way of getting things out of my head.
I feel at peace tonight as I head to bed. Still feeling fresh kisses on my lips. The feeling of life starting once again. Doing things for ME, and finding time to put myself out there and meet people. Regain the social life I once had. Do something for myself for once.
It's been a god day.
And even though, in my life, all days are good days...this one ranked up there just a lil higher than most lately.
Sweet Dreams everyone, I know I'll be having them =)
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Snails pace..
Ever realize how long it takes a day you look forward to to actually get here?
I'm going to Vegas this weekend for my birthday, and I can hardly wait. I can't wait to see my friends, visit my co-workers. I on some levels feel that I wasnt really ready to pick up and move, but some things u just have to do...regardless, because it is the right thing.
Better try to get some sleep...restless nights are making the week longer and longer!
Night night
I'm going to Vegas this weekend for my birthday, and I can hardly wait. I can't wait to see my friends, visit my co-workers. I on some levels feel that I wasnt really ready to pick up and move, but some things u just have to do...regardless, because it is the right thing.
Better try to get some sleep...restless nights are making the week longer and longer!
Night night
Monday, February 20, 2006
Hurray For 2006!
I turn 38 today. It's funny, I'm never one of those people who feels older. Now don't get me wrong, I have my days where it hurts to get ot of bed and I definatly feel the old age kicking in...I just mean in general. Most people, upon meeting me think I'm still in my 20's & and in all honesty I still feel like I am. In fact yesterday when I went into a mini mart to buy cigarettes for a friend I GOT CARDED!!! Can you believe THAT?? COme on, I SERIOUSLY don't look 18!!! hahaha Anyway, I've never worried about a birthday, never stressed getting older, never wished I was younger and have yet to have a birthday that I was "looming" over me. Alot of my girlfriends, most of them actually, always worry about their age. 25 is the first milestone, then 30, and then somehow the next "worry age" seems to be 40. What happens to those 10 yrs in between?? ha ha. I've always found the "mid life crisis" thing funny too. We all age, it's a fact of life...just look around you, everyone is doin' it.
So this birthday, is pretty much like the rest. Only it is so much different. SO much better.
Ya see...I have just come out of one of the worst years of my life.
Literally.
And anyone with kids will understand this statement at some point in the their lives.
Since my move, everything feels new. Everything is in place, and going just as it should. The sun is always shining and the glass is always 1/2 full. I vowed this would be a year to let by-gones be by-gones. To make amends, to renew friendships & to make sure and nuture relationships with everyone I love, make posative changes, work out more, actually get my Real Estate Lic, go back to school...and generally just give myself permission to do the things that feel good. Live everyday to the fullest, and achieve all that I desire in my life. And so far, it is working fabulously well.
I've been spending alot of quality time with my 87 year old Gram. She has macular degeneration, and is legally blind. She can see, just not details. So I;ve been painting her nails, taking her shopping in Santa Barbara, walking on the beach. It's so nice to be home and near the people that I love the most. I will never take that for granted again.
So to sum it up, I think this is one of the BEST Birthday's I've had. Not only is everything well in life, but I'm back in Vegas hangin on the strip and with all of my friends for 5 days!! Woooo Hooooo!! So nice to be back as a tourist as opposed to a resident =) Im ready to have sum funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!
Peace out, and have a nice weekend!!
So this birthday, is pretty much like the rest. Only it is so much different. SO much better.
Ya see...I have just come out of one of the worst years of my life.
Literally.
And anyone with kids will understand this statement at some point in the their lives.
Since my move, everything feels new. Everything is in place, and going just as it should. The sun is always shining and the glass is always 1/2 full. I vowed this would be a year to let by-gones be by-gones. To make amends, to renew friendships & to make sure and nuture relationships with everyone I love, make posative changes, work out more, actually get my Real Estate Lic, go back to school...and generally just give myself permission to do the things that feel good. Live everyday to the fullest, and achieve all that I desire in my life. And so far, it is working fabulously well.
I've been spending alot of quality time with my 87 year old Gram. She has macular degeneration, and is legally blind. She can see, just not details. So I;ve been painting her nails, taking her shopping in Santa Barbara, walking on the beach. It's so nice to be home and near the people that I love the most. I will never take that for granted again.
So to sum it up, I think this is one of the BEST Birthday's I've had. Not only is everything well in life, but I'm back in Vegas hangin on the strip and with all of my friends for 5 days!! Woooo Hooooo!! So nice to be back as a tourist as opposed to a resident =) Im ready to have sum funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!
Peace out, and have a nice weekend!!
Friday, February 17, 2006
Rain Rain Go Away....
The weather in California seems to have dramatically changed since I left.
"Feels like once upon a time...in a land far far away"...Completely different.
Last week it was in the high 80's, maybe even hotter(you have to remember the beaches in Southern California have very mild weather, and it usually fluctuates between 55-85, and 85 is practically a heat wave) On top of it being blazing hot, two days later it is FREEZING and raining! No wonder no one can get over being SICK!!
Aside from the weather, being home is great! Being 5 minutes from my parents and my brother and his fiance is wonderful. I've seen my brother practically every day since I got back and I feel like we are kids again. We've always been close, but I feel like is a totally new experience. In all honesty I can't even imagine not living close to him again. Wierd how time changes things. I also have the feeling that I will never live far from the water again, regardless of where I live. I have grown up my entire life near the beach, never more than a 1/8th of a mile from the water. My nights were filled being lulled to sleep by the sound of the figuring. Now I'm back on my turf, living on Silver Strand Beach and loving every moment of it. Now the foghorns are alot closer than they used to be, they are at the end of my street...and my yard has sand in it =)
I have grown up my entire life on this beach. Alot of my "firsts" in life and life experiences have happened on this beach. It's a beautiful place. The Jetty...the Ship, all of the little resturants. It's like its own little community. There is only one 2 lane road and that is the only way on/off the beach.
The VERY best part of living in my own little haven is the view I have to and from work. The view as I drive onto my beach is amazing, anytime of day, any type of weather...and it's 2 seconds from my front door. I thought I'd share some of what I see on my drive home with some of u that might not have the opportunity to see the sun setting over the Pacific Ocean =)
It's the most beautiful place I have ever seen a sunset, and it happens every night!
Enjoy.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
IM BACCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!!!
I know it has been a long time since I have posted. Between relocating, the holidays, being sick with that GOD AWFUL flu and then being diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease in my back..posting on my blog has been the LEAST of my concerns. I've really missed reading my favorite blogs(see my links list) and am ready to dive back in. I've been without a computer through all of this, and now that issue is resolved. New computer and a KICK ass high speed cable modem. I just opted to pay more and get the fastest I could =) We all have our vices in life. Mine is the internet...hahaha. And men, shoes, pot....I guess I have alot more than some.
So being back online is a great thing. Catching up on old emails...and reading celebrity smut. I was just looking at People.com and read that Tori Spelling is getting REMARRIED!!! Didnt she
just wed and then dump a husband a few months ago?? How on earth do u do that and then manage to be engaged to a completely different man in a few months time. Damn...Im thinking
I must be wired wrong. Hard enough for me to commit in the first place, but once I do and my heart is involved...I cant imagine being able to be over onerelationship and ready to commit to another MARRIAGE in 4 months time. Sheesh. Gives one something to ponder over. I'm all ready to dive into sex to help heal the heart...and to get the blood runnin. Another marriage. HA HA HA...not my style.
Men in my life.... well, that is a completely different story and meant for another post!
Time to go out with friends to a nice little resturant on the little beach that I now call home. Valentines Day is meant for good food, and close friends...even those that u arent intimate with...
Cant just sit home, might as well make thebest of a beautiful evening...
As soon as I get all my software for tmy new digital camera loaded, I will post some pics of my new place and the ocean...til then...have fun!!!!!
So being back online is a great thing. Catching up on old emails...and reading celebrity smut. I was just looking at People.com and read that Tori Spelling is getting REMARRIED!!! Didnt she
just wed and then dump a husband a few months ago?? How on earth do u do that and then manage to be engaged to a completely different man in a few months time. Damn...Im thinking
I must be wired wrong. Hard enough for me to commit in the first place, but once I do and my heart is involved...I cant imagine being able to be over onerelationship and ready to commit to another MARRIAGE in 4 months time. Sheesh. Gives one something to ponder over. I'm all ready to dive into sex to help heal the heart...and to get the blood runnin. Another marriage. HA HA HA...not my style.
Men in my life.... well, that is a completely different story and meant for another post!
Time to go out with friends to a nice little resturant on the little beach that I now call home. Valentines Day is meant for good food, and close friends...even those that u arent intimate with...
Cant just sit home, might as well make thebest of a beautiful evening...
As soon as I get all my software for tmy new digital camera loaded, I will post some pics of my new place and the ocean...til then...have fun!!!!!
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