I've noticed

that my posts have been kinda melancholy lately.
Such is my life at the moment.
Kinda wierd to feel so displaced when all I did was move back "home".
Life changes...for the better? or the worse? Who knows. I suppose only
time will tell.
Between health issues(the back) and feeling so lonely for the friends I left in Vegas...I just havent felt like myself at ALL lately. I have noticed it, but not as much as when my X boyfriend and i had a conversation the other day.
"So schweetie peaz(yes, he still calls my by nicknames though we have been broken up for over 4 years) whats going on?"
We have been friends for years, and we talk about everything. So he asks about men in my life, and as i talk he notices that every man I bring up has the stigma "platonic" behind the name. He asks what is wrong with me...and I think..."wrong?"
"yeah, wrong. For years I have always lived vicarously through you...with all of yr stories, sexual trists and antics....and all of a sudden, they all stopped. You turning Lezbo on me?"
Ha ha. Now to know Milo is to LOVE him. He speaks his mind, and talks from his heart. So I know he is joking, but when I think about it...he is right. My social life has seriously DECLINED since I moved back to my home town. I dont go out, I dont date, I dont mingle. I work, come home..hang with my kids...and seriously do NOTHING. Hard to meet men(or people in general) when u are sitting in your living room.
The conversation got me to thinking...thinking about things that i don't like to think about.
I've proclaimed this year as "the year to find myself and figure shit out" and now, here I sit, 5 months into the year no closer to having ANYTHING figured out.
38 years old, my kids are almost grown up. I should have things figured out. This isnt where I thought i would be when i was almost 40. Thought I'd have a lil more going on inmy life. A lil more sense of who I am, and what it is that I want out of life.
I've spent so many years raising kids...so many years putting others needs before my own...that as I enter this phase where i have time for myself...I simply dont know what to do with it.
Maybe I need therapy.
In all honesty Milo thinks I just need a good romp. Which might help...temporarily...but what is the fix long term?
So indecisive.
The time has come to make changes.
I've always been an extremely social person. SO having to DRAG it out of myself at the moment is a lil strange.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. ANd unless I want a bleak outlook, I suppose it is time for me to DO something about my sad state of affairs.
I used to play in a pool league. Ive contacted the local league cordinator. Im starting on a new team next week. Men with sticks is always a good place to start! Plus Im starting with a personal trainer this week (we all know that loosing weight, working out andwhippin the good old body into shape is a surefire way to help yrself just feel better) Baby Steps.
Ok, there is a beginning to a social life...and maybe a start to get myself back on track.
Wish me luck!