I've noticed

that my posts have been kinda melancholy lately.
Such is my life at the moment.
Kinda wierd to feel so displaced when all I did was move back "home".
Life changes...for the better? or the worse? Who knows. I suppose only
time will tell.
Between health issues(the back) and feeling so lonely for the friends I left in Vegas...I just havent felt like myself at ALL lately. I have noticed it, but not as much as when my X boyfriend and i had a conversation the other day.
"So schweetie peaz(yes, he still calls my by nicknames though we have been broken up for over 4 years) whats going on?"
We have been friends for years, and we talk about everything. So he asks about men in my life, and as i talk he notices that every man I bring up has the stigma "platonic" behind the name. He asks what is wrong with me...and I think..."wrong?"
"yeah, wrong. For years I have always lived vicarously through you...with all of yr stories, sexual trists and antics....and all of a sudden, they all stopped. You turning Lezbo on me?"
Ha ha. Now to know Milo is to LOVE him. He speaks his mind, and talks from his heart. So I know he is joking, but when I think about it...he is right. My social life has seriously DECLINED since I moved back to my home town. I dont go out, I dont date, I dont mingle. I work, come home..hang with my kids...and seriously do NOTHING. Hard to meet men(or people in general) when u are sitting in your living room.
The conversation got me to thinking...thinking about things that i don't like to think about.
I've proclaimed this year as "the year to find myself and figure shit out" and now, here I sit, 5 months into the year no closer to having ANYTHING figured out.
38 years old, my kids are almost grown up. I should have things figured out. This isnt where I thought i would be when i was almost 40. Thought I'd have a lil more going on inmy life. A lil more sense of who I am, and what it is that I want out of life.
I've spent so many years raising kids...so many years putting others needs before my own...that as I enter this phase where i have time for myself...I simply dont know what to do with it.
Maybe I need therapy.
In all honesty Milo thinks I just need a good romp. Which might help...temporarily...but what is the fix long term?
So indecisive.
The time has come to make changes.
I've always been an extremely social person. SO having to DRAG it out of myself at the moment is a lil strange.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. ANd unless I want a bleak outlook, I suppose it is time for me to DO something about my sad state of affairs.
I used to play in a pool league. Ive contacted the local league cordinator. Im starting on a new team next week. Men with sticks is always a good place to start! Plus Im starting with a personal trainer this week (we all know that loosing weight, working out andwhippin the good old body into shape is a surefire way to help yrself just feel better) Baby Steps.
Ok, there is a beginning to a social life...and maybe a start to get myself back on track.
Wish me luck!

telling someone that u love them...

can sometimes be hard to do. In reality, you know when u love someone. You can feel it in yr chest. Starts as a flutter and then blossoms.
But sometimes, love happens when u least expect it, or when u are trying to avoid it. Then u arent really sure what those flutters are...because u are in denial, and hiding it from yourself. It manifests itself in a different ways. Confuses you and torments your mind. Makes nights sleepless and dreams foggy. Then one day you wake up and everything is suddenly clear...
You love this person...
Now what do u do?
Play love tag for four years only to one day write it all down in poetic well phrased words...

And now the waiting game is upon us...
anyone feel like playing?

My Grandfather is getting married June 10th. Why am I posting about this...you might ask? You see, my Grandfather, Pappy as I call him, was married to my Grandmother(Granny) for 55 years at the time of her death. 6 months later, and out of the blue...he got remarried. To me, it was such a dishonor to my grandmother that I think I have never truely gotten over it. I skipped the wedding. In all honesty, I wasnt even close to getting over her death and I struggled like crazy to understand how my Pappy could just pick up and move on after sharing so many years with my fathers mother, a woman like no other. I remember her so vividly...her voice, the way she would laugh, that strange glint she would get in her eyes when she was getting mad...it doesnt even seem like any time has passed. As I sit here and type...i realize alot of time has. 10 years to be exact. About 6 months ago his 2nd wife Edna passed away. I went to the funeral out of familial obligation and for my Grandfather(whom I have had a hard time calling "Pappy" since all of this transpired, because MY Pappy wouldnt have done this...not to Granny, not to my family and most certainly not to me). After the funeral we all went back to my Aunt and Uncles lake house. There were a few cracks and bets made on how long it would take my grandfather to remarry...all those old ladies in the Senior Center think he is SUCH a catch!
Today I got that call. If it wasnt so disturbing, I probably would have laughed. I mean, I just don't understand. What possesses people to just jump frm one relationship to another??
Im the complete oposite of this. And when I say "complete" I mean "COMPLETE".
It all started in 1987 when I took my wedding vows on a chilly December day. December 19th to be exact.
I married a man that I was deeply in love with. A man I thought I would spend my life with. My family loved him, my friends loved him...but most of all I loved him. 12 years later I left him. Things happen, people grow(and not always in the same direction, mind you) things got ugly, and this person that I loved with all of my heart ended up being the person who has hurt me most in my life. When it comes to relationships and love, I am VERY guarded. Something that as I get older, I am trying to change. I guess I have a deep seeded fear of being hurt. Something I am just comming to terms with. It took me almost 2 1/2 years to venture back out into the relationship world after my divorce and when that ended, I was single for about another 2 years before I got involved. That lasted between a year and two(withsome fuzzy time in there of "not knowing" what was going on) This October I will have been single for three years. As I sit and contemplate #1.how difficult it really is to find someone that you just click with on every level. And #2, am I the only one that thinks that way? So many people married, divorced and remarried before the ink is even dry on the dotted line. Am I a rarity...a freak, or just plain wierd?

hmmmm, the things that swirl around in my head.