ok

So now back home with feet firmly planted on the ground. Always nice when someone loves u back...but now what?
We have been friends for years, friends with benefits for four, and loved eachother probably that whole time. But what to do next?
Where do u go from here. Im one of those people afraid of commitment. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of taking that leap. Guess we shold renickname me "SUPER CHICKEN"!!
I dont just jump into anything headfirst. Not relationship wise anyways.
So, I love this man, and he me. But then why does it always seem to difficult to speak that love to him? In theory Im thinking because we have spent so many years in denial of that feeling. I mean, friends with benefits arent supposed to "fall" for eachother. And I seldom do. Im perfectly capable of just having sex with a man and not getting emotionally involved. Just not with THIS man.

So the question of the day is this....

What do u do when the man u realize has yr heart in his hands, loves you back?
Do u throw caution to the wind and just go for it? Do u forget that there is a great friendship that is the foundation for this love, and just cast that aside and jump into something? Step out of that lil box we have been in and explore the whole world? See if we could possibly be wonderful together? ( Which I know by theway, the answer would be we'd be Fab-U-Lous!)

I have alot on my mind. So confused. Not about my feelings, but about what we do with them now. He is still an hour and 1/2 away from me...and I don't believe in long distance relationships. Not my style, never has been.
So Im not too sure where to go with this. We both have things we are working on, things in our lives that have to be taken care of for our own personal satisfaction. Growing changing things...things that have to be seen through to the end. Which still leaves me in one place, and him in another.
Im not a person to push...I believe in fate. And the possibility that things that are meant to be, will simply be. He doesnt agree. HA HAHA. ONE thing in life we disagree on.

So I take a step back and realize that it has taken us an eternity to even come to this point. Some things are worth the wait. And I definatly believe he is one of those things. Only time will tell what will happen. And I think Iwant to let this thing take on a form of its own, without pushing or any pressure. I want to relish the feeling of loving someone and being loved back....
So in laymans terms, I will do nothing. And wait for nature to take its course.

In all honesty, if he loves me and misses me the way i do him....then it will work itself out. If not, then maybe it wasnt meant to be.

So, what does anyone else think? Beucase I certainly know that I suck at this relationship stuff. But getting better I think. Always a work in progess. But isnt that what life is all about anyways??

ta ta

FIGURES!!! here is my horoscope for yesterday when all of this was swirlingaround in my head!!

Dear Samantha,Here is your horoscopefor Monday, April 24:

Some personal matters have become quite a tangled web lately, and it's time to start unraveling things before they get more complicated. Face the facts and look for the simplest and quickest solutions.

fab-U-lous weekend....

Lets set aside the fact that I left town to go to LA for the weekend to go to House Of Blues with a bunch of girlfriendz then subsequently toook my pain meds for my back AND drank...ended up totally missing the show I went to see AND got back to motel room(no clue how, though I DO remember argueing with my Cab driver) by 11:30 PM. Next take...in Newport with the man of my dreams(ok, so someone I have been sleeping with for the past 4 yrs that i s my dream catch and SO Mr Wonderful... Dream boat and 1/2. Bea-UtifUL.....X's 2........Always loved him and know 100% he loves me....never admitted it to him, so it felt nice to snuggle into him and let him know how much i love love love him. only made better by the faqct that he loves me tooooo! Kissing in the rain is always the best! Always nice when the I LOVE YOU(which he has said many times only I never followed suit) Is followed up with the reciprocal I LOVE YOU!

What to do when the man you love to death and desire beyond the reaches of the earth, loves you back..........?

Always a question to be pondered...
but at this moment, my HOT guy is waitiing in bed =)

muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

So....

Alot of things have been happening lately, and I just haven't taken the time to post anything. First off the manager at our gym has been stalking my daughter. And I mean literally stalking her. He got our info out of the computer, and he was being really overly friendly when we would come and go from the gym. A week after my daughter turned 18 he started showing up at her work and harrassing her. Its been this HUGE ordeal!! ugh!
On another note, my oldest Steven who is turning 22 on Friday has decided to spread his wings and move out. He is my step-son, but I have raised him everyday since he was 2, even after my divorce, he has lived with me. So he is as much my child as humanly possible. This moving out business is a rather bittersweet moment. I mean, we all raise our kids knowing that at some point they will grow up and move out on their own. Im happy he has reached that point in his life that he is ready to make that grown up step...butI feel a bit of sadness as my kids grow older and seem not to need me any more. I've come to realize that the statement my brother made last week is true. I need to find a life of my own, one that doesnt always revolve 100% around my kids. Im realizing that I have put alot of my wants/needs and desires on the backburner over the years while I was raising my kids. I've always wanted to travel, to go back to school, to further my career, maybe even work two jobs for a bit to pay off some of my debt. My life has always been so busy singlehandedly raising three kids, that I had almost completely forgotten that I once had dreams that I intended to follow. Dreams of my own. Can I still achieve my dreams? And follow me heart into the oblivion we all call life?
I guess I am about to find out.
I've decided to take inventory of my life. Do some of the things that I have always longed to do. Starting with going back to school this fall. Maybe even starting this summer. I'm ready to take that leap of faith. To have enough faith in myself to make changes that will most definalty improve my life.
I've also been thinking about my social/dating life. Or should I say lackthereof. My x-boyfriend and I broke up 2 1/2 yrs ago. That was the last time I have had a boyfriend. Funny thing is, when guys meet me, they always ask me"why are you single?" I mean, Im decent looking, have a funloving carefree personality, get along well with just about everyone....so why am I single?
It's been a personal choice. I'm not one that just jumps into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. I have to really connect with someone on alot of levels before I move forward. But as I sit and think about it, I realize that I have just completely shut the relationship issue door. In all honesty, Ive had NO desire to be in a relationship or date. Single is a state of mind for me, one that transforms into reality without me even realizing it. I have gotten so caught up in the parenting of my kids and trying to be their all(since their dad has seriously lacked in that department) that I havent really been living my life.
I've never been one to get lonely(how can anyone be lonely when they have a house full of kids?!?!) but in recent weeks I have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. As winter turns to summer, Im thinking about the small things in life. Waking up to someone laying next to you, holding hands as you walk along the beach, sharing an ice cream cone. Just seeing that someone you love smile.
During the conversation my brother and i were having last week, he said that he wants me to have a boyfriend. I start with the "WHY DO I NEED A BOYFRIEND? YOU DONT THINK THAT A WOMAN CAN BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A MAN?"
His responce was simple. He said "I love you Sister. And that smile and twinkle that u have when u are in love is amazing, it's a happiness that I havent seen in yr eyes in a long long time, and I miss it. I just want you to be blissfully happy sis"
*sigh*
ok, now THAT brought me to complete tears.

Alot of things to ponder at the moment...which seems to be the only time i post..ha ha ha

Guess I'll just have to work on improving me, and taking better care of MY needs.
Sometimes, u have to put yrself first. And with 3 short years left until all of my kids reach the legal age and contemplate moving out and on with their lives....I guess it is time to start working on that. Working on me, and the things I desire in life =)

I've been SERIOUSLY lacking...

In alot of avenues of life lately. Things just seem wierd, out of the ordinary. Not just the back issues I have been having. It's more. I mean, I had my MRI and am just waiting to go in for the Spinal Surgery Consultation. YAY! NOT!
I just don't feel like myself lately. I feel like I am sitting on the outside looking in on someone else life. *sigh*
No motivation for anything. Anything. At the start of the year I was on the workout fasttrack, and since all the rain, I just seriously don't have the strength to get out of bed. Some mornings it feels like DEATH! I'm just tired. Sleep always sounds sooooo good, but always seems to elude me(as I type this it is already 2:50 am and I have to be at work in 6 hours).
I have flowers that have been sitting by my front door for the last month, still in the store bought cartons waiting to be planted. soil and new pots collecting rain. The beach is at the end of my street...and I was taking advantage of it everyday since I moved here. Today the sun was out for the first time in weeks. It was my day off, and I never stepped foot outdoors.
Melancholy.
No real reason. Rain for the past month, almost everyday. Maybe that is part of it. The back problems, Doctors upon Doctors. Do they really know what they are doing? Is it safe to let someone slice up yr back and fu(k with yr spine? One small slip and life as u know it...gone in an instant.
My life seems like an endless stream of run on sentences. Endless problems that seem to have no answer. I know if I wold just get off my ass and make some posative changes...life would change and things would get better. Or would they?
Always something to ponder over.
Things u need to get out of yr head, even when they don't make sense.
Gotta love a blog.

I think I need to go back to posting more regularly.

Makes me feel better.