Anticipation.....

When u want something so bad u can feel it through your entire body =)
Today is my Friday being as I am going home for the weekend. Home being the place I am actually from not where I live.
With 50 more days until the move, we have decided to go home for the weekend for several reasons:

#1. I miss my kids SO terribly that I feel like I am choking
#2. Drew's(my youngest) 14th birthday is the 14th of Aug
#3. To start looking for a place, and JOBS to AFFORD that place!
#4. Just to go and visit with my family, since I haven't been home since Xmas
#5. All 5 of us going, are in MUCH NEED of a mini vacation!

I have been patiently waiting for this weekend to come, and now that it is here...I'm SOOOOOO
ecstatic!! I think we have decided to skip the County Fair, as my family says it is in poor form this year. Personally I had decided it was a money trap that I didn't need to visit with 10 people whilst I try to save money. I'll get more accomplished(like registering kids for school, and hitting realty offices) if we make the weekend a little more low key. Rhino is moving with us and was only there once @ Xmas when we didn't have time to do much(other than hit Magic Mountain)....so we want to show him around. Maybe take a drive up the coast(the entire city is on the Ocean) go to the pier, maybe drive the 20 minutes into Santa Barbara.
JOBS...that is what we are working on this weekend too. Though in my business it's more about who u know...I always go through my Reps, who know me well and know I am good at what I do. Several of them have givin me their home fax #'s(One of my major labs here is in N. Hollywood and they have offices that use them in Oxnard, Ventura, Santa Barbara, Santa Paula, Pt. Huemene, Camarillo and Thousand Oaks...all of which are 20 minutes from where I will live)
This is how I got my current job. Also looks like the pay will be alot more, helps that now I have 10 yrs experience.
Things are looking up. Life is what you make of it...and at the moment it is time to HUSSLE and use all of my abilities to get where I want to be. I defiantly see a light at the end of the tunnel, which when I first started this project of moving was very very dim. Now the light is shining brightly...and all I have to do is want it enough...and reach for it!


"happiness is not a destination, its a method of travel"

YAY!

I just read that my newest FAVORITE author Agusten Burroughs' book isbeing made into a movie!!!! Running With Scissors is being produced by Plan B(Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitts production company) and is starring Gwyneth Paltrow. I wonder when it will be out. How FANTASTIC is THAT??
OOPS...I almost forgot to pick up his next book that I had ordered!!! On my way after work!

looking up....

I'm feeeling MUCH better today. Sometimes it is hard to have faith. Sometimes u forget that u have raised your kids the right way, taught them to think for themselves and make the right choices. It's been a hard few weeks but I finally see light at the end of the tunnel. Growing into adulthood is a hard task, learning that u can't always count on those that u have always considered to be "friends" is an experience that takes u from childhood to adulthood. It's something all of us have had to learn through the course of our lives, but it doesn't make it any easier when your child goes through it. Needless to say, my son not only made the right choice to not be drug down the same path as his friends, but also made the decision to sever the friendship if it was going to continually put him in less than desirable position...
Sometimes, as hard as it is, you just have to stand back and let yr children learn for themselves. I've learned that sometimes it takes different people different things to come to the same conclusion. Just because I may have said "enough is enough" doesn't mean he has gotten to that point. We all have different thresholds of tolerance.
YAY! Problem solved, and I'm feeling a little more posative about things today. I am normally always "the glass is 1/2 full" gurl. Just alot of stuff going on at the moment.
This weekend I get to go HOME for 4 days!!! YAY! I'm so excited. I have 51 days until I move(yes I'm STILL counting!) I can't wait to be out of work and gone for the weekend. The County Fair, Piantball Tournament, and SHOPPING @ BLUE MOON!!! My favorite clothing store in the world(or at least the parts of it I have been in) Beachy, Bohemian, casual...very kewl stuff.
The beach the sand the surf...
I'm overwhelmed with homesickness...maybe this weekend will help!!

Gloooomy....

Like my mood. Looking back on my last few posts and I realize that it has been an especially hard week for me. Nothing posative to say at the moment. Just kinda in a funk and not feeling like myself which is VERY unlike me. Guess we all have those moments that are less than wonderful. Just alot on my mind and hurt in my heart. Some things, try as u might...u just cant fix. Maybe THAT is when u give up hope.
52 days and counting, til I leave this town and never look back...

"If one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better."

Dashboard Confessionals.....

Isn't that the name of a band?? I know it is, I think I have even seen them in concert. I wonder if that name came about from this site. I mean, this is called "Dashboard" and I certainly consider this to be a confessional. I mean...where else canu talk so candidly...? Where else can u speak your mind so freely...open up yr heart, and just be yourself without having to worry about anyone judging you?
Writing down my thoughts and feeling has always been a way to release things in my life. Bad things, good things...or just things I need to "get out". Strange how sometimes the things in yr head...are the last things to reach your tounge. I share alot with my friends, but there are still those thoughts and moments that u keep to yrself. Hence having a lil spot of my own on this site. A non-judgemental place. Somewhere I can be me and say anything I want to....no matter what.
My life has been a series of ups and downs lately. And though I take some comfort in the fact that everyone has those days...sometimes it just seems like MY ups and downs are alot bigger than others. Call me self involved if u want...though most wouldn't even notice because I'm not that introverted person who turns inward when things are bad. I'm still my normal cheerful self. I'm still there for my friends no matter what. I'm still posative...just a little sad.
Being a Pisces I have always been that person that wants to help people. That person that wants to "fix" things, even when they are impossible to fix. I struggle to not only be there for my friends and my kids, but also ALL of my kids friends. It's always worked in my favor...til now. I can't fix everything. I can't make these kids do the right thing, I cant be there for them 24/7 when I have my OWN kids to worry about. I watch as kids I love spiral downward with no one in their lives even noticing. I see cries for help...but those cries aren't directed at me. I feel helpless. Especially when these kids are still trying to hang out with MY kids. Unfortunatly...I have passed on this cursed "fix it" problem to my kids...sooooooooo...when situations arise where I would like my kids to drop certain friends like HOT POTATOES, they can't. THEY TOO want to "fix" and "help" the situations at hand. Now on one hand, I can be patted on the back for raising compassionate kids, but on the other hand I'm kicking myself in the ass for not teaching them when ENOUGH is ENOUGH. Then again....when is enough? When do u give up hope on someone that u love? I mean, if I as a parent had done that with my kids....than maybe I would have lost them. So how do I tell my kids to go against everything in their hearts in trying to help people that they love? And if I can't do that, how do I come to terms with them making that choice without making myself crazy...........?
Always easy to voice my concerns on here, but unfortunatly it doesnt awlways give me the clarity I hope for.

And how fitting is THIS horoscope for me today??? As I feel like a hamster going in circles on his wheel day in and day out revisiting the same problems over and over:

Greetings Samantha --
Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 8:

Sometimes certain circumstances can seem like a rerun of a silly TV show. Fortunately, you can change the channel whenever you want. Heck, it might be time to turn it off altogether!

Stand against a tide of negativity. Be brave and defend what you know is right.

and along the way.....

Sitting here at work, bored. CMT is on the TV in the lobby and Im feeling all warm and gushy inside(maybe I drank too much last night? he he)
Listening to Country music always makes me feel so damn sentimental...
I'm sitting here at work and this music makes me want to go buy a house in the country. I'm really a rock gurl at heart...but I have had my own short lived love affair with country music. When we work on Saturdays Gina takes control of the remote to the two tv's in our lobby and country music rings though the office. Its a weird feeling that washes over me. Seems there is a country song for everything in life, which might be part of the reason it always makes me feel so safe, so family oriented...and so comfortable. As much as I try to hide the fact that I am comforted by this....its still there in the back of my mind. Wierd the feelings that wash over you.

So on another wierd note, I have recently made a friend in OK. Today as Im sitting here Gina calls me over to look at her computer screen. She has family in OK. and she has been talking about moving there for the past few years. She shows me this AMAZING house http://teamrobokc.com/MyHomeDTL.asp?homeid=263849 ...more like a mansion. Beautiful, huge yard, corner lot....bathrooms that make u want to live in them....
and then she scrolls down to the cost.....

$269,000

Utterly amazing! Makes me think if I EVER want to be able to afford to buy my own house that I ought to be moving in the opposite direction!

Drinking...

and emotions don't go together, then again neither do drinking and the next morning..haha
I've had alot on my emotional plate lately. Sometimes just kicking off the 'ol shoes and knockin back a few helps me release some of that pressure I feel building up around my brain.
So last night my frend came over and we proceeded to get tipsy...veryyyyyy tipsy.
Felt good, it was nice to talk and get a few things out. Talked to my brother too, got the little "You can do it Sister" pep talk about moving. Just knowing that my brother, parents and kids are SO ready for me to move makes me that much more motivated to push harder to get the F#%@ out of here.
Time to push the petal to the metal and "Git 'er done"
So here I go with my lists...
I'm feeling much better. Now if only I could get offa work and go home and NAP!

Where Your Loyalty Lies.....

I'm a very loyal person. The type of person, that once I become your friend...I will always be yr friend...unless of course, something goes terribly awry.
I have been very good friends with Jason for about 4 or 5 years. There is a long history of our friendship...and we have tackled alot in order to be able to maintain our friendship(another long story regarding a psycho X roomate to whom he used to be married) Enter Jenn...my good friend of 3-4 yrs.
In Janurary Jason was shot(by his own gun) in a home envasion. During that time, Jenn and I were visiting him alot trying to be there for him as friends should. During the course of this...
Jenn and Jason became involved (much to my dismay being as the crazy x-roommate is STILL A CO-WORKER) Drama ensued...and try as I might to stay out of the middle...Im SMACK -DAB where I dont want to be!
It's been 4 months now...and the drama is long gone, but now the problem arises: two people who are very different trying to mesh their lives together. Jenn is 24, and has hopes and dreams. Jason is 32 and a single father....set in his ways. He is content to live day to day in his normal "ho-hum" life. Jenn has visions of the life ahead of them...marriage, kids...
She pushes him to be the person he "can be" when in all reality I think he is content being the person that he "is".
I unfortuantly get it from both sides...andI see both sides.
He doesn't like to be pushed...
She wants to know he has goals in life, and isn't going to sit "stagnant".
Both valid...though I personally live under the theory of "to each his own" You have to let people live life as they see fit...and if u love someone, u love them for who they are, not who u can PUSH them into being.
Therewithin lies my problem. Good friend to two...who's loyalty lies eaqually between them...
I understand both sides...and even have my own opinion(which I share with neither of them...because at the end of the day...it would be against one of them)
So as they call me, each exlaining their sides, each wanting me to give them the answers to the lifelong question...."What do I do?"
As a friend, I expect to be consulted with problems...but as a single gal...who has struggled with her own relationship issues in the past....it makes me wonder....
"What great advice DO I give" in the current situation??

All I can come up with, is listen to that internal voice we all have in our heads...the one we usually ignore and follow with the heart anyhow.
We all have the answers to our own problems...buried somewhere deep within....right where we hide them...right where they stay until the point of no return when we finally reach deep into our souls...and pull out the answer that has been there all along...
Loyalty...there is alot to be said for it...
But sometimes it is a hard, lonely road to travel!

*YAWN*

Sooooooooooo tired today.
Thats what happens when u make yourself a promise to get up extra early to start working out, and TODAY is the day designated as the start day of that promise. Throw in the fact that my friend and roommate was also in on this little deal, so when I think I might want to bail...she comes banging on my door at 5:30 am, yes folks...That's right 5:30 AM!!!!!
Let me tell you, 5:30 comes awfully early when u sit on the phone until almost 1 am with a friend the night before. It was worth every minute of it though. Nice to be able to talk to someone who has had similar experiences in life, same kind of ups and downs...makes u realize that none of us are truly alone in this world. No matter how bad things get, there is always someone with it worse. No matter what has happened, people all over have almost the same exact stories just different players in the game.
So my friend calls, and we chat, and chat and chat...never paying any attention to time...Doesn't
seem like I've been on the phone all night. Then again, the only clock I have in my room is my cell phone and I cant see the time when I'm busy YAK'N! I'm tired and suggest we hang up, but we just keep talkin...ha ha ha
By the time we actually hang up it's 12:30 am and we have been talking for 3 HOURS! WOW!
The long talk made me realize that it has been a long time since I have spent that amount of time on the phone with anyone(other than my kids...of course) and I miss having those kind of chats. So thank you my friend. It was nice to visit with you and I hope we can do it on a more regular basis.
All of that talking got me to thinking about HOW MUCH I am going to miss certain people in my Vegas life. We all keep saying "oh we'll still have the phone and the internet" but it just isn't the same. Driving home from the advance screening of "Red Eye" last night(good movie) I was overlooking the city and my mind started wandering to all of the good memories I have had here. All of the good people I have met, some of the people who have been the closest to me. And I realize, Im not just leaving a city or a way of life, Im leaving a place that has become my home over the last 6 years. A sadness crept over me, then I realized....
I have many other memories to create. Many other places that will become my "home". This is merely a pitstop in this thing called life, and I'm glad to be on that ride =)

Now, if I can only make sure my ride has workouts in it on a regular basis...I'd be happy!!!!

Tomorrow is a new day, and another day to discipline myself. I just know that these 5 am workouts will curb the 1 am phone calls...haha

Thunder Storms...

The weather forecasts thunder storms and FLASH FLOODS all week. One thing I will miss when I move from Nevada are those sudden lightening and thunder storms that last most of the night and overtake the skies. When I was a child I remember being petrified of the thunder. Hiding under my blankets, shaking everytime the thunder rattled the house. Now, my oldest son and I sit outside with our cameras trying to catch the lightning on film. Want to waste several hours? Sit around intensely trying to catch lightning...haha. It's a fun way to hang out and bond with yr kids. Needless to say, though we sat out "watching" the lightning for hours last night, neither of us was able to capture that bolt we so desperately desired. We'll have plenty of opportunity though, being as thunder storms are predicted until next Weds.
Any bets that we can do it?
One can only imagine what the weather is like here. We went from 2 weeks of 124-126 degree weather straight into rain, thunder/lightening storms...100-109 with 90% humidity. Now I know for some this is normal...But for those of us living in the desert and used to DRY DRY DRY weather, this thick fog of humidity feels like death! I'm seriously rethinking my move to Florida one day. I always thought I could handle anything weatherwise, only to recently realize what a WUSS I am in certain conditions. I've always wanted to move around once my kids are all grown up. Moving from place to place, experiencing different lifestyles, different communities. Now Im thinking I might have to avoid certain climates. A Southern California Gurl born and raised, I'm more used to the weather being between 55-85. Not much fluctuation in between. I guess maybe more travel is in the forecast, to acclimate myself to other temperatures!!!

"If you do nothing unexpected, nothing unexpected happens."

Getting Organized...

I'm Feeling alot better this week. Not that I was ever feeling "bad" just a lil out of sorts. I feel like I'm accomplishing things this week. Got some of the stuff we dont use packed away. This weekend I am going to make a serious effort to start tackling the garage. Kinda living under the theory of "If I haven't used it in the past year I have been in my place, I probably don't need it"
My garage looks like a bomb went off! I've also made a few changes in my life recently (still NOT smoking..YAY!) and I am trying to at least apply at one place a day for a second job. Nothing yet, then again, I just started doin it. My son got a job and still has several interviews this week, we have both decided to work 2 jobs until we move home. 60 days and counting........

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity...

THESE ARE FUNNY, IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY READ THIS! I'M GOING TO TRY ALL OFTHEM IN DUE TIME!

(#6 & 9 are my favorites!!)

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Frieswith That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has GottenOver Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical SoundsAll Day.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are GoingTo Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity......

20. Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called>Therapy...

When the Cats away...

Or should I say "children" are away, mom will play. So strange as u get older what our defination of "playing" consists of.
My kids have been gone comming up on two months (1 month and 15 days..but who is counting?)
Everytime they call, they say in perplexed voices "MOM, WHY are u home?" I guess they
expect me to have some completly fabulous social life when they are gone. Funny thing is, a few years ago...I would have been doing exactly that. I am a very social person, and I like to have fun, meet people, play pool...have a few drinks...
I'm just so over that phase in my life. DON'T get me wrong, I haven't turned into an old fuddy duddy, I just dont have the desire to suit up and hit the local dance clubs and party my way through the streets of Las Vegas.
My weekend was wonderful...and I hardly ever left the house.
Friday night Jenn(my friend and new roomate that took over my youngests bedroom) and I finally got her room set up. We popped open a bottle of Captain Morgan's (We all have a lil CAPTN in us...think of that stance) and made drinks and then proceeded to act like little gurls decorating her room, giggling and having fun. My friend Jason(also Jenns bf) thought we were loosing our minds. ha ha ha
We all ended up snuggled up in my bed watching "Now and Then" a movie about 4 gurls growing up to adulthood and keeping their friendship in tact. Demi Morre, Melanie Griffith, Rita WIlson and Rosie O'Donnell were the kids as adults. Great movie, makes u think alot about the friends u havent talked to in a long time.
Saturday was spent much the same way. Though we DID start making drinks a tad earlier than Friday...ha ah ha
I have decided since my younger kids(Carina, 17 and Drew, 13) are gone for the summer and staying in California until the "big" move that I might as well start getting ahead in the packing by boxing up their stuff and putting it in the garage. Alot was accomplished, but going through their stuff when I miss them so much was hard. I can smell my daughters perfume...see all the pictures of her and her friends....my sons books and video games. Doing all of the mundane responsibilities made me realize how much I have changed and grown as a person, and a mother.
When I got married, and had my kids...I always assumed that I would always have help. I mean, I did things the right way...got married and then had kids. Stayed married for what seemed like forever(though I have learned over the years that "forever" doesnt always end up the way u once thought it would) and always thought my husband would be at my side, helping me along the way.
20 yrs later, things arent exactly as I'd hoped. But they are still good. Wierd as I packed everything that I thought "All of these things, my kids things....are things thier father has missed out on" he isnt aware of what perfume my daughter wears. He wouldnt know the names of any of the girls in her pictures. Or what music she listens to....or what makes her cry.
Or why my son loves a certain book so much, or why scary movies make it impossible for him to sleep. Or which shows on the Disney Channel he loves the most. I know all of thes things, and more. And I have relized that though people think I'm afraid to venture into relationships as often as I should....it's about alot more than that. I am the only thing that my kids have 100% for sure all of the time. And they all know it. 400 miles away from me and two minutes away from their dad, and it's MY phone ringing 100 x's a day. A bad day or shed tears fall on MY ears instead of someone else's. I've always been there for my kids(even my stepson whom I have raised since he was 1 1/2 and is now 21 and STILL lives with me) and I have made a decision to be there through their teenage years. I sit back and watch as other "singles" try to juggle their kids and new relationships and I always think "One thing or another, something has to suffer" and I think there within lies my reasoning for staying single through my kids teenage years.
They need someone 100%, and if it's not me....then who?
I have learned through this marriage/divorce thing...that u really dont know someone until u divorce them. And I have also realized that though we ALL make the same vows, as husbands/wives and parents...that not all of us regard them with the same convictions.
I have been doing this solo for so many years, I've almost forgotten that I ever did it with someone. The struggle is more real, but the rewards of single parenting are worth every minute of it!!! And looking back, I wouldnt have it any other way.
The kids and I are like the "FOUR Muskateers" and we all pile a single hand in the middle and say "All for one, and one for all" and we actually mean it!

A Multi Media Share!

I had a really relaxing weekend. Got caught up on some stuff around the house. Went to movies&what can I say? Im repeat offender... :) I actually chose to see TWO movies that I had seen previously because Steven and Skylar hadn't seen either. Then again Rob ZOmbie and Johnny Depp are two of my favorites so it wasnt a bother.

Alot on my mind today, just not sure how to put everything into words. Guess I will try to sum it up and see what I can do later on.

One more thing...

I cant figure out, no matter how I construct my sentences and paragraphs this program breaks up my sentences and cuts them off...makes for a weird enrty...how do I FIX this??

Lists....

I've always been a "list" person.
I wear scrubs at work and anytime I empty my scrub pockets u will find "lists". Grocery lists, lists of things I need, lists of bills I have to pay, lists of errends to run, lists of expenses....
I think being a "list" person is a Piscean trait. Every Pisces I know, does the same thing...we are all "list" people. And honestly I have about 5 other Pisces I hang out with:
My daughter Carina
My X Mike
My best friend Jenn
My good friend Jeff
My Co-worker Barb
the list is long, and with all of our bdays being so close together, I figure it isnt just a
coinkidink =) So imagine my enlightenment when a good friend of mine(met in the bloggin world) suggests I make a "list" to help combat the stress of everything Im trying to accomplish before I move out of state in 2 months(61 days to be exact) It's funny how I feel SO overwhelmed with everything I have to do, but I've never thought to make a list of everything. Things do do...how much to save, what bills need to be paid off. LISTS. My solace, my way to gain control over my life. And now at THE most stressful time, Im not using my lists to help. So in saying that....I need to really thank my friend Rowdy, not only for making me realize a few things, but reminding me that writing everything down in black and white helps us all at one moment or another to gain perspective in our lives.
I feel much better now =)
THANK YOU ROWDY!!!!!!!

Life Changes

So now that the decision is made, I am stressed. So much to do in so little time. 2 months isn't enough time to do all of the things I have to do...but in this case, it's going to have to be, becasue I'm not waiting any longer.
So I'm stressed. When I stress, I eat...I can't sleep...
I hate to stress, and I'm not usually the type that stresses much. Until NOW. So I woke up this morning adopting a new attitude. Today I WILL NOT eat junk food. I will go back to my normal diet and try to work out to combat stress instead of EATING to combat stress. I've always been an emotional eater, something that doesn't ever work in my favor. So, along with the life change to move home, I've also decided to make some internal changes in me, to make ME be the best that I can be. I'm also a stress smoker. So I've decided NOT to smoke anymore. Everytime I want to eat OR smoke, I'm going to head to the gym or go swim laps in the pool. I've always been decent looking and never had to work hard to look good, kinda comes naturally. But Im not a spring chicken anymore(though everyone that meets me still thinks I'm in my mid 20's...but I know the difference) I've decided that I have 6 months until I hit my 38th birthday and I'm going to make the best of it by getting into the best shape of my life =) Now, age isnt an issue for me either. I'm not the woman that says "OMG I'm turing 30....35....40" I just figure u get better with age. Wiser, smarter, more in tune with who u are. I relish getting older, being independant....and being comfortable in my own skin.
So this is my week to get on track with everything in my life.
Lining up my duckies....one at a time.

So........

I wrote a long post yesterday only for my server to crash before I was able to publish it....
ain't THAT a bitch?
It's been a long week, and it's still only Weds. *sigh*
Though I must admit my indecision has now past and I am ready to move forward in life.
Make life changes that will allow my children and I to move out of this place we now call
home and go back to be with our family.
Time to start doing all of the things u do before u move out of state (againnnnnnnnnnn....!!!)
Work on my resume (how does one go about this without her laptop?) Start getting it out there,
looking for a job, looking for a place to live. Good thing is, my daughter said she had noticed that there were alot of really cute place for rent on the beach.
THE BEACH! That in itself is enough to make me want to DROP everything and RUN home.
The SAND the SURF and the SUN. I really can't wait. I remember when I left the beach 5 1/2 years ago. My friends were all astounded that I was actually going to leave. They all said that I was a "beach bunny" and that I would never make it so far away from the water. I'm sure me being a water sign (Pisces) has always been part of my draw to the water. So I moved, and thought I would prove them wrong. And I did...for a while. Time passed and I was never homesick(was I fooling myself?) I didn't realize then what I realize now. I had basically pulled back from my family, not talking to anyone much. Now looking back, I realize that I WAS homesick, and by not speaking to my family on a regular basis...I was able to avoid those feelings in my gut. I only went home for the holidays in the beginning. As time passed I would go back in there summer here and there. Last summer it seems like all of my friends were getting married so I was home more. The more I went home, the harder it was to leave.
Then in Oct 2003 I was in Bakersfield with my then boyfrriend Mike visiting some of our friends. When I woke up in the morning, I noticed that I had a voicemail from my parents number. That was one of the worst phonecalls I have recieved to date. My brother Chris was in an accident at Pismo. Riding the dunes on his dirtbike he had misjudged a jump and gone over a dune that he hadn't previously jumped. There was a 50 ft drop on the other side. My brother was airlifted to San Luis Obispo and was in ICU. He had broken his back in three places, collar bone in 2 places, pelvic bone in two places, 10 ribs and collapsed both lungs. They had to DRILL though his chest while he was awake to re-inflate his lungs. He almost died. The Doctor said if he hadnt been wearing all of the top of the line gear he was, he would have most likely died.
Since THAT MOMENT....I've wanted to move home. If something would have ever happened to my brother and I hadn't been there...I would have wanted to die.
Sometimes...when life is crappy and u look around u and feel like u have nothing, all u have to do is look up and see yr family...and then u know everything will always be alright.
I can't wait to move home and once again expierence the day to day life with my family.
Something I will never take for granted again. =)

feeling a little.......

BLUE!!!!
I feel so violated. Having yr house broken into is bad enough. But when the perpetrator is someone that was a visitor in your own home. Someone that
u thought u could trust, someone yr child thought HE could trust...it just
leaves a very bad taste in yr mouth. Makes u second guess yr perception of
people. Though, I must admit...I never liked the kid. Let me re-phrase. I
thought he was "ok" when I met him...but there were a few things that he did
to make me think differently of him eventually. So why is it #1 my son let him
into my house, and #2 why did he feel comfortable enough to COME over, when
he knew I didnt want him there? I guess he simply knew I wouldnt be home.
The vision of everything in my room ransacked, everything gone through(the boy didnt leave a THING unturned, he even went as far as to go through my magazine rack in the bathroom)and my most personal things taken... has left me with a weird feeling in my chest.
Basically...is nothing sacred in this day and age? And what is WRONG with these
kids that they feel they can do whatever they want to WHOMEVER they want, at
any given time they want?
It has made me very angry. And now, more than wanting my laptop back...I want revenge. I want that little punk(I now know he has stolen from other people we know) to have to have SOME sort of consequences for turning my room upside down, consequences so that maybe NEXT time, he will stop and think about it before he just steals someone else's property. Its a sad state of affairs when we
as the victim have to be the one to teach these kids a lesson. WHERE ARE THEIR
PARENTS???????

when the good...suddenly goes BADDDDD...

A tired morning.
It was a long weekend. I had a great time. GJ and Jenn came into town for GJ'sbday and they stayed at the Cannery http://www.cannerycasinos.com/. Now when theycome into town and get a room, they always make sure they have an extra bed for Mike and I to stay with them the whole weekend. So yet another "vacation" weekendeven though I never left Vegas..ha ha haFriday night we went to Tommy Rocker's http://www.tommyrocker.com/ for some drinkingand dancing(more of the 1st I assure you) It was a blast.
Saturday morning we ended upjust hanging out and doing alot of nothing. Saturday night Mike's band had a partyfor GJ. The band played for several hours (I am their #1 groupie and LOVE watching them play...hmmmm....there is something about Mike playing the drums that just does something to my insides...even after all of these years)
Anyhow, to sum it up just a great weekend. Good people, good food, good friends.The perfect combination.
Last night we went and saw "Devil's Reject's" http://www.thedevilsrejects.com/ I love Rob ZOmbie(I have seen him in concert like 5 times) and I love his sadistic movies. Crazy, odd...but very interesting. The movie was awesome, but then with the way it ended I know there wont be any more sequels which SUX!!!
I return home from a fun weekend to find that someone had been in my room. (Mama bear who's sleeping in YOUR BED??) To make a long story short...my son had his friendChris over and they were hanging out watching movies. Chris's friend Jason showed up and ended up staying over to watch "Saw". They had a few beers(yes, they are all over 21) and ended up falling asleep while the movie was on. No big deal...right? Wrongo. I guess in the morning while everyone was still sleeping Jason decided to not only go through my ENTIRE room(Even my pesonal stuff. WHO in their right mind steals a womans "toys"??)...but also to throw my LAPTOP into his backpack on the way out the door! So I get home, tired as hell...all I want to do is climb into bed, and instead I find myself running around town trying to re-coup my shit. To no avail, might I add. Chris is helping me try to figure this all out. I had to put a call in to the Police...so here I go, my week starting off on the WRONG foot...and Im sure the chances of meACTUALLY getting my laptop back are slim to NONE. Could I be any more pissed off??Probably NOT! $1,000 down the drain(and I dont have the money to replace it!!)
Soooooo....no computer for me. We'll see how this saga ends!