ok

So now back home with feet firmly planted on the ground. Always nice when someone loves u back...but now what?
We have been friends for years, friends with benefits for four, and loved eachother probably that whole time. But what to do next?
Where do u go from here. Im one of those people afraid of commitment. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of taking that leap. Guess we shold renickname me "SUPER CHICKEN"!!
I dont just jump into anything headfirst. Not relationship wise anyways.
So, I love this man, and he me. But then why does it always seem to difficult to speak that love to him? In theory Im thinking because we have spent so many years in denial of that feeling. I mean, friends with benefits arent supposed to "fall" for eachother. And I seldom do. Im perfectly capable of just having sex with a man and not getting emotionally involved. Just not with THIS man.

So the question of the day is this....

What do u do when the man u realize has yr heart in his hands, loves you back?
Do u throw caution to the wind and just go for it? Do u forget that there is a great friendship that is the foundation for this love, and just cast that aside and jump into something? Step out of that lil box we have been in and explore the whole world? See if we could possibly be wonderful together? ( Which I know by theway, the answer would be we'd be Fab-U-Lous!)

I have alot on my mind. So confused. Not about my feelings, but about what we do with them now. He is still an hour and 1/2 away from me...and I don't believe in long distance relationships. Not my style, never has been.
So Im not too sure where to go with this. We both have things we are working on, things in our lives that have to be taken care of for our own personal satisfaction. Growing changing things...things that have to be seen through to the end. Which still leaves me in one place, and him in another.
Im not a person to push...I believe in fate. And the possibility that things that are meant to be, will simply be. He doesnt agree. HA HAHA. ONE thing in life we disagree on.

So I take a step back and realize that it has taken us an eternity to even come to this point. Some things are worth the wait. And I definatly believe he is one of those things. Only time will tell what will happen. And I think Iwant to let this thing take on a form of its own, without pushing or any pressure. I want to relish the feeling of loving someone and being loved back....
So in laymans terms, I will do nothing. And wait for nature to take its course.

In all honesty, if he loves me and misses me the way i do him....then it will work itself out. If not, then maybe it wasnt meant to be.

So, what does anyone else think? Beucase I certainly know that I suck at this relationship stuff. But getting better I think. Always a work in progess. But isnt that what life is all about anyways??

ta ta

FIGURES!!! here is my horoscope for yesterday when all of this was swirlingaround in my head!!

Dear Samantha,Here is your horoscopefor Monday, April 24:

Some personal matters have become quite a tangled web lately, and it's time to start unraveling things before they get more complicated. Face the facts and look for the simplest and quickest solutions.

fab-U-lous weekend....

Lets set aside the fact that I left town to go to LA for the weekend to go to House Of Blues with a bunch of girlfriendz then subsequently toook my pain meds for my back AND drank...ended up totally missing the show I went to see AND got back to motel room(no clue how, though I DO remember argueing with my Cab driver) by 11:30 PM. Next take...in Newport with the man of my dreams(ok, so someone I have been sleeping with for the past 4 yrs that i s my dream catch and SO Mr Wonderful... Dream boat and 1/2. Bea-UtifUL.....X's 2........Always loved him and know 100% he loves me....never admitted it to him, so it felt nice to snuggle into him and let him know how much i love love love him. only made better by the faqct that he loves me tooooo! Kissing in the rain is always the best! Always nice when the I LOVE YOU(which he has said many times only I never followed suit) Is followed up with the reciprocal I LOVE YOU!

What to do when the man you love to death and desire beyond the reaches of the earth, loves you back..........?

Always a question to be pondered...
but at this moment, my HOT guy is waitiing in bed =)

muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

So....

Alot of things have been happening lately, and I just haven't taken the time to post anything. First off the manager at our gym has been stalking my daughter. And I mean literally stalking her. He got our info out of the computer, and he was being really overly friendly when we would come and go from the gym. A week after my daughter turned 18 he started showing up at her work and harrassing her. Its been this HUGE ordeal!! ugh!
On another note, my oldest Steven who is turning 22 on Friday has decided to spread his wings and move out. He is my step-son, but I have raised him everyday since he was 2, even after my divorce, he has lived with me. So he is as much my child as humanly possible. This moving out business is a rather bittersweet moment. I mean, we all raise our kids knowing that at some point they will grow up and move out on their own. Im happy he has reached that point in his life that he is ready to make that grown up step...butI feel a bit of sadness as my kids grow older and seem not to need me any more. I've come to realize that the statement my brother made last week is true. I need to find a life of my own, one that doesnt always revolve 100% around my kids. Im realizing that I have put alot of my wants/needs and desires on the backburner over the years while I was raising my kids. I've always wanted to travel, to go back to school, to further my career, maybe even work two jobs for a bit to pay off some of my debt. My life has always been so busy singlehandedly raising three kids, that I had almost completely forgotten that I once had dreams that I intended to follow. Dreams of my own. Can I still achieve my dreams? And follow me heart into the oblivion we all call life?
I guess I am about to find out.
I've decided to take inventory of my life. Do some of the things that I have always longed to do. Starting with going back to school this fall. Maybe even starting this summer. I'm ready to take that leap of faith. To have enough faith in myself to make changes that will most definalty improve my life.
I've also been thinking about my social/dating life. Or should I say lackthereof. My x-boyfriend and I broke up 2 1/2 yrs ago. That was the last time I have had a boyfriend. Funny thing is, when guys meet me, they always ask me"why are you single?" I mean, Im decent looking, have a funloving carefree personality, get along well with just about everyone....so why am I single?
It's been a personal choice. I'm not one that just jumps into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. I have to really connect with someone on alot of levels before I move forward. But as I sit and think about it, I realize that I have just completely shut the relationship issue door. In all honesty, Ive had NO desire to be in a relationship or date. Single is a state of mind for me, one that transforms into reality without me even realizing it. I have gotten so caught up in the parenting of my kids and trying to be their all(since their dad has seriously lacked in that department) that I havent really been living my life.
I've never been one to get lonely(how can anyone be lonely when they have a house full of kids?!?!) but in recent weeks I have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. As winter turns to summer, Im thinking about the small things in life. Waking up to someone laying next to you, holding hands as you walk along the beach, sharing an ice cream cone. Just seeing that someone you love smile.
During the conversation my brother and i were having last week, he said that he wants me to have a boyfriend. I start with the "WHY DO I NEED A BOYFRIEND? YOU DONT THINK THAT A WOMAN CAN BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A MAN?"
His responce was simple. He said "I love you Sister. And that smile and twinkle that u have when u are in love is amazing, it's a happiness that I havent seen in yr eyes in a long long time, and I miss it. I just want you to be blissfully happy sis"
*sigh*
ok, now THAT brought me to complete tears.

Alot of things to ponder at the moment...which seems to be the only time i post..ha ha ha

Guess I'll just have to work on improving me, and taking better care of MY needs.
Sometimes, u have to put yrself first. And with 3 short years left until all of my kids reach the legal age and contemplate moving out and on with their lives....I guess it is time to start working on that. Working on me, and the things I desire in life =)

I've been SERIOUSLY lacking...

In alot of avenues of life lately. Things just seem wierd, out of the ordinary. Not just the back issues I have been having. It's more. I mean, I had my MRI and am just waiting to go in for the Spinal Surgery Consultation. YAY! NOT!
I just don't feel like myself lately. I feel like I am sitting on the outside looking in on someone else life. *sigh*
No motivation for anything. Anything. At the start of the year I was on the workout fasttrack, and since all the rain, I just seriously don't have the strength to get out of bed. Some mornings it feels like DEATH! I'm just tired. Sleep always sounds sooooo good, but always seems to elude me(as I type this it is already 2:50 am and I have to be at work in 6 hours).
I have flowers that have been sitting by my front door for the last month, still in the store bought cartons waiting to be planted. soil and new pots collecting rain. The beach is at the end of my street...and I was taking advantage of it everyday since I moved here. Today the sun was out for the first time in weeks. It was my day off, and I never stepped foot outdoors.
Melancholy.
No real reason. Rain for the past month, almost everyday. Maybe that is part of it. The back problems, Doctors upon Doctors. Do they really know what they are doing? Is it safe to let someone slice up yr back and fu(k with yr spine? One small slip and life as u know it...gone in an instant.
My life seems like an endless stream of run on sentences. Endless problems that seem to have no answer. I know if I wold just get off my ass and make some posative changes...life would change and things would get better. Or would they?
Always something to ponder over.
Things u need to get out of yr head, even when they don't make sense.
Gotta love a blog.

I think I need to go back to posting more regularly.

Makes me feel better.

Ive been sooooo

busy that I just dont know what to do with myself. Seems that since I have moved out of Vegas my life is just full of overwhelming things.
It's been a pretty relaxing weekend. Ive had a steady stream of visitors since I moved back to Cali. Guess living on the beach tends to do that!
Not that I'm complaining, I really like having company. Just with all of the back issues...my stamina doesnt seem to be what it was...even from a few months ago! This last 10 days has been filled with kids. Well...not really kids. Teenagers. ha ha. Dont know which is worse! Ive had about 10 kids come through my door all in the name of "Spring Break".
And though I must admit it has been nice seeing everyone, I'm definatly ready for tomorrow morning to come. Bags will be packed. Hugs and kisses will be given...and well wishes for a safe trip will be said. And thencome nightfall...my house will once again belong to me.
*sigh*
I've kinda gotten away from working out the past few weeks...which was really helping me sleep. It also seemed to help with the back.
10 am manana, the lady from the State Compinsation Fund will be here to interview me about my work injury. Tomorrow is will be the determining factor in deciding whether or not we go forward with the Dr's plans for a triple vertabrae disc replacement surgery. YAY!
I can hardly wait.

Is there something wrong when...

every single song by Kelly Clarkson reminds you of one person? This to me,
is rather disturbing. Listening to Kelly Clakrson in itself is disturbing, being as Im not now, and have never been into her kind of music....ever.
My friend Gil let me copy all of his CD collection into my computer so that I can start burning CD's. One of those CD's is
Kelly Clarkson I
have to admit, she has a beautiful voice, and her album
Breakaway has me completely stuck.
It's funny how something can remind u of someone, strange how someone's words and feelings can so represent your own. Either Kelly and I have had the same affair and lived the same lives (which Im sincerely doubting being as there is like a 16 yr age gap) Or those songs were written for me. You choose. Either way, this realization has gotten me to thinking. How long should we let someone rule those places in our heads? And what do we do when every sappy love song reminds us of them? I've personally known this man for about 5 years. We've never "dated" so much as been best friends...with sex mixed in there of course. But somewhere in there, something happened. On both sides. Times have been odd, things have changed. He lives in one place, I in another...we've always remained close, and kept in touch. He recently confessed feelings, told me he has always had them,has always been inlove with me, but was scared. He is at an impass in his life. Trying to fix problems that he has created for himself. So I wait. Or do i? What do u do, when the one person that u think u could love the most for all time... seems just out of reach?
This is especially hard for me. Im just not a relationship person. Never have been...and Im not sure i ever will be. Ive had three(yes count them 1...2...3...) serious relationships in my 38 yrs. One being my husband of 12 yrs. My X Mike...and then Milo. I dont succumb to feelings very easily. I often live in my safe little world...ignoring the advances of most men, uness Im due for some booty or feel SERIOUS sparks.
So why is it that this man has ahold of my heart?
There were so many times that I thought this lil game of back and forth was over, done with...and I was ready tomove forward. But there he sits. An image in my mind. Filling up my heart. Right out of my grasp. Feelings there...but for how long...and to what end?
How long do u wait for the one u love? And how do u decide when enough is enough.
Time to move on, and let bygones be bygones....
I guess what is meant to be, will be, regardless of my actions.
Its crazy...no matter how old u get, u just dont have the answers to the most important questions.

Horoscopes...

Are something I live by, it always amazes me how close they are to what is really going on in yr life.

Dear Samantha,
Here is your horoscopefor Tuesday, March 14:
You have the soul of a poet. You're able to see the underlying connections and the subtleties that other people just gloss over. You know that human nature is basically good, even when times seem to indicate otherwise.

Lately Ive been SO stuck on
Limewire and Myspace that I'm suprised I can even find time to sleep. LOL
Guess I'm slaggin on my blog, but OH, I'm having SO much fun doin' it!!!!!

Todays Horoscope:

Pisces Horoscope:


March 08, 2006
All of us worry from time to time, especially when tiny issues suddenly seem to multiply. At the moment, you might be worrying a bit more than you really should, but you won't be willing to let it go until you've spoken to someone about it. Whether the issue is health or work-related doesn't matter. Face it, get it over with, and get it done. It's time for a new start, but you won't be able to pull that off until you're sure.

isnt it funny how horoscopes always seem to hit the head on the nail?? Who WRITES this stuff anyhow??

A funny for everyone, this shit ALWAYS makes me SMILE!!

It's cold and windy outside. Even though the heater is on I can't seem to get warm.
I give myself one day to grieve over things I have no control over. After that I push it aside and go on with life. One day. It's almost over.

Been Busy...

Playing on MySpace.com. I've had an account on there for a long time, just kinda let it sit there because I was busy with other things inmy life.
Been STUCK on it, I think everyone should check it out, it is a great way to find people u have lost and stay in touch with those u havent lost! My addy is http://www.myspace.com/sammie1968
On another note, went to the Dr' today and found out that he is really thinking SURGERY. Not one, but two...one of them being disc replacement. *fun*
Kinda depressed. Things like this don't usually happen to someone that just turned 38 last week...so why do they always seem to happen to me?
Just another bump in the road I suppose. Least I got some good drugs out of it, which makes the pain at least somewhat bearable.

Today was a good day....

Didn't start out that way...my car wouldn't start, I had to call my "mommy" to come pick me up and give me a ride to work(but come to think of it, Im close enough to call my mommy to come help me, which in itself is a great feeling). Got to work a few minutes late, wet hair, no makeup...and to top it all off, I had a DATE after work. Yes boys and girls, you heard it right...a date. Havasu Guy. Met him in Havasu about 2-3 yrs ago. He came to visit me in Vegas a few times. We've always stayed in touch. We have amazing chemistry, always have. The only problem we have ever had was distance. I lived in Vegas, he in Orange County. Now I've moved back home, and the distance has gone from 5 1/2 -6 hrs, to 1 1/2 hrs. A HGE difference and it's a distance he has decided he is willing to travel to see me. Kewl thing is, his daughter goes to UCSB, so he has to pass right through where I live everytime he goes to see her. Being around him most of the day and until midnight tonight has made me realize how much I miss dating. You see, I've always been a very happy single girl. I'm content to be by myself, and I've never "had" to have a man like so many women I know.
Since moving back from Vegas, I've really been low low key as far as a social life is concerned. And I really don't know why. I mean, I'm back in my home town, back on MY turf. Living in a place where I know everyone, and can hardly go into a store without running into someone I know. So why such a lull in my dating/social life?? This is something I have been pondering for the past several weeks and I have come to the conclusion that it is my own fault.
I just haven't been "up" to it. Between the flu, back problems, moving, a new job...and all of that jazz...I've basically let things for ME slide. Adjusting to a whole new life after moving isn't ever easy, especially when u move from state to state. The kids and I have had to completly re-adjust and I can honestly admit, it hasn't been an easy transition. We went from being popular people with plenty of social activity and friends, to moving back home to virtually none of our friends where we left them. Up until now, we have just let it be that way. We work, come home and spend time as a family. I visit my brother, my parents...and a few of my Vegas friends have come to visit, but it's not the same. I want that comfort of going out, having friends to call to meet up for a drink...and Ive decided I'm the only one that can fix that.
Going on a date was my new start. Talking for hours, lil kisses like happy teenagers...it all felt good. Made me feel alive. I like George(for those of you reading in the past he is the one that is going to help me restore my old timer pickup truck!)
I've had alot on my mind lately. My brian starts spinning, and I seem to have the perfect topic to blog about...everytime I'm NO WHERE near a computer. I'm going to start making notes. Writing down my thoughts and feelings is a way that I've always dealt with shit in my life, and putting it all to paper(or computer screen in the current moment) always gives me a calming feeling. My own personal way of getting things out of my head.
I feel at peace tonight as I head to bed. Still feeling fresh kisses on my lips. The feeling of life starting once again. Doing things for ME, and finding time to put myself out there and meet people. Regain the social life I once had. Do something for myself for once.
It's been a god day.
And even though, in my life, all days are good days...this one ranked up there just a lil higher than most lately.
Sweet Dreams everyone, I know I'll be having them =)

Snails pace..

Ever realize how long it takes a day you look forward to to actually get here?
I'm going to Vegas this weekend for my birthday, and I can hardly wait. I can't wait to see my friends, visit my co-workers. I on some levels feel that I wasnt really ready to pick up and move, but some things u just have to do...regardless, because it is the right thing.
Better try to get some sleep...restless nights are making the week longer and longer!
Night night

Hurray For 2006!

I turn 38 today. It's funny, I'm never one of those people who feels older. Now don't get me wrong, I have my days where it hurts to get ot of bed and I definatly feel the old age kicking in...I just mean in general. Most people, upon meeting me think I'm still in my 20's & and in all honesty I still feel like I am. In fact yesterday when I went into a mini mart to buy cigarettes for a friend I GOT CARDED!!! Can you believe THAT?? COme on, I SERIOUSLY don't look 18!!! hahaha Anyway, I've never worried about a birthday, never stressed getting older, never wished I was younger and have yet to have a birthday that I was "looming" over me. Alot of my girlfriends, most of them actually, always worry about their age. 25 is the first milestone, then 30, and then somehow the next "worry age" seems to be 40. What happens to those 10 yrs in between?? ha ha. I've always found the "mid life crisis" thing funny too. We all age, it's a fact of life...just look around you, everyone is doin' it.
So this birthday, is pretty much like the rest. Only it is so much different. SO much better.
Ya see...I have just come out of one of the worst years of my life.
Literally.
And anyone with kids will understand this statement at some point in the their lives.
Since my move, everything feels new. Everything is in place, and going just as it should. The sun is always shining and the glass is always 1/2 full. I vowed this would be a year to let by-gones be by-gones. To make amends, to renew friendships & to make sure and nuture relationships with everyone I love, make posative changes, work out more, actually get my Real Estate Lic, go back to school...and generally just give myself permission to do the things that feel good. Live everyday to the fullest, and achieve all that I desire in my life. And so far, it is working fabulously well.
I've been spending alot of quality time with my 87 year old Gram. She has macular degeneration, and is legally blind. She can see, just not details. So I;ve been painting her nails, taking her shopping in Santa Barbara, walking on the beach. It's so nice to be home and near the people that I love the most. I will never take that for granted again.

So to sum it up, I think this is one of the BEST Birthday's I've had. Not only is everything well in life, but I'm back in Vegas hangin on the strip and with all of my friends for 5 days!! Woooo Hooooo!! So nice to be back as a tourist as opposed to a resident =) Im ready to have sum funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!


Peace out, and have a nice weekend!!

Rain Rain Go Away....

The weather in California seems to have dramatically changed since I left.
"Feels like once upon a time...in a land far far away"...Completely different.
Last week it was in the high 80's, maybe even hotter(you have to remember the beaches in Southern California have very mild weather, and it usually fluctuates between 55-85, and 85 is practically a heat wave) On top of it being blazing hot, two days later it is FREEZING and raining! No wonder no one can get over being SICK!!

Aside from the weather, being home is great! Being 5 minutes from my parents and my brother and his fiance is wonderful. I've seen my brother practically every day since I got back and I feel like we are kids again. We've always been close, but I feel like is a totally new experience. In all honesty I can't even imagine not living close to him again. Wierd how time changes things. I also have the feeling that I will never live far from the water again, regardless of where I live. I have grown up my entire life near the beach, never more than a 1/8th of a mile from the water. My nights were filled being lulled to sleep by the sound of the figuring. Now I'm back on my turf, living on Silver Strand Beach and loving every moment of it. Now the foghorns are alot closer than they used to be, they are at the end of my street...and my yard has sand in it =)
I have grown up my entire life on this beach. Alot of my "firsts" in life and life experiences have happened on this beach. It's a beautiful place. The Jetty...the Ship, all of the little resturants. It's like its own little community. There is only one 2 lane road and that is the only way on/off the beach.
The VERY best part of living in my own little haven is the view I have to and from work. The view as I drive onto my beach is amazing, anytime of day, any type of weather...and it's 2 seconds from my front door. I thought I'd share some of what I see on my drive home with some of u that might not have the opportunity to see the sun setting over the Pacific Ocean =)
It's the most beautiful place I have ever seen a sunset, and it happens every night!

Enjoy.

IM BACCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!!!

I know it has been a long time since I have posted. Between relocating, the holidays, being sick with that GOD AWFUL flu and then being diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease in my back..posting on my blog has been the LEAST of my concerns. I've really missed reading my favorite blogs(see my links list) and am ready to dive back in. I've been without a computer through all of this, and now that issue is resolved. New computer and a KICK ass high speed cable modem. I just opted to pay more and get the fastest I could =) We all have our vices in life. Mine is the internet...hahaha. And men, shoes, pot....I guess I have alot more than some.

So being back online is a great thing. Catching up on old emails...and reading celebrity smut. I was just looking at People.com and read that Tori Spelling is getting REMARRIED!!! Didnt she
just wed and then dump a husband a few months ago?? How on earth do u do that and then manage to be engaged to a completely different man in a few months time. Damn...Im thinking
I must be wired wrong. Hard enough for me to commit in the first place, but once I do and my heart is involved...I cant imagine being able to be over onerelationship and ready to commit to another MARRIAGE in 4 months time. Sheesh. Gives one something to ponder over. I'm all ready to dive into sex to help heal the heart...and to get the blood runnin. Another marriage. HA HA HA...not my style.
Men in my life.... well, that is a completely different story and meant for another post!

Time to go out with friends to a nice little resturant on the little beach that I now call home. Valentines Day is meant for good food, and close friends...even those that u arent intimate with...
Cant just sit home, might as well make thebest of a beautiful evening...

As soon as I get all my software for tmy new digital camera loaded, I will post some pics of my new place and the ocean...til then...have fun!!!!!

Im not DEAD~

Though I know alot of people are wondering.
Im all moved...got a great big house on the beach....I will be taking pictures and posting them sometime this week. Alot of shopping, decorating...and WORK.
Someone stole my laptop before I moved, and I dont have internet at work anymore...
which is the reason I havent been posting. Im hoping to get a new computer within the next few months...so bear with me =)
muaaaaaaaaaah!
HAppy THanxgiving all!

A Certain Sadness comes along...

with a certain change.
I know I am making good choices and following my heart. Moving on is a good thing, moving to a better place and life for myself and my kids is a positive change.
Going back home to a time where things are simpler...Life is less chaotic and surly not a 24 hour town is what I need/want in my life. A more low key lifestyle. Our quality of life, as a whole, will be better. Slower pace of life, time to stop and smell the ocean breeze...The flowers....
Things are looking very good in my future, but I can't help the sadness that comes over me today. My last day of work. Leaving people that have been good to you, good friends, people that you love....Is never easy.
So as I sit here, my desk piling up with gifts from co-workers, well wishers, people knowing that my life will be what I want it to be once I am gone...It is a bittersweet feeling.
I'm overcome with sadness, but also with a newfound excitement for things to come.
New job, new house, new times...
a slower paced lifestyle...A more wholesome environment in which I know my kids will certainly flourish.
I believe everything happens for a reason, and I know that some of these people....I will never see again. But there are many of them that will become lifelong friends...
So, I'm sad today. Sad and glad...If that makes any sense.

Another wrench thrown into my plans, I found out that the house I am supposed to be moving into on Dec 1st...Might have fallen though. You see, the gentleman who is currently renting it was looking at a house in Mandalay Bay, the ones that have the little canals behind it and slots for yr boat in yr backyard...well whatever he had going on, fell though, and he has now decided to stay in the house, MY HOUSE!
I've decided not to let this get me down...as there are plenty of houses on the beach for rent...and I'm sure my perfect house is out there somewhere. At least I was already renting a few rooms for the next two months, so it buys me some time to figure it out.

Mt stress level is through the roof...So I'm taking a few deep breaths...And just going with the flow. What is meant to be, will happen...It's all out of my hands at the moment.

I also wanted to say thank you, to everyone that has stopped by my lil spot on the net, and has given me words of encouragement.
THANK YOU!!!!

almost a 100 Tidbits 'bout me.....

Well, I've been "tagged" several times by people who have this 100 list, and I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I now have realized it is 100 things about yrself...so I feel obligated to do my part on this "chain tag" game everyone seems to be playing...that and I don't feel like writing a regular post being as my last one was whisked away by the internet MONSTER that seems to crash my office computer anytime I have anything worth saying!!!
so here I go.

1. I view being a mother as the most important thing I will ever do.
2. my kids are always #1
3. I have given birth to 2 kids but raised 3, my stepson since he was two.
4. I love men
5. I love being single, and I'm very good at it!
6. The three S's rule my life, SEX, shopping and Sushi...oh yeah, and SHOES
7. I have over 70 prs of Shoes
10. I've been in love w/ four men in my life Rick, Milo and Mike and Eric(though I didn't know it at the time)
11. When I consider someone a friend, I'll always be there for them
12. I'm never moody
13. I've always had a wild streak
16. I'm gun shy where relationships are concerned.
17. My parents have been married for 40 yrs
18. I was married for 12
19. I love tattoo' and piercings
20. Bad boyz are sexy but I always date nice guys.
21. Though I love tats and piercings, the guys I have dated have never had any
22. Angelina Jolie has been my girl crush years before she was popular
23. Johnny Depp has been my favorite since I was 16
25. I've been to Burning Man
26.I'm a concert Whore.
27. I've seen over 80 big bands, some of them more than once
28. I love camping
29. I've always wanted a Harley
30. My favorite color is PURPLE
32. I was on the Varsity swimteam when I was a Freshman
33. I made out with a cop last night
34. I don't like "Do as I say, not as I do" people
35. I'm very close to my brother
36. My daughter is one of my best friends
37. Her name is Carina and she looks like Eva Mendez...perfect strangers on the street stop her and tell her that.
38. I love everything about the ocean, sand between the toes, the smell
39. I've known alot of the same people since High School
40. I played in a Water Polo match with my jaws wired shut.
41. this is alot harder than I thought it would be
42. I only wear silver, no gold
43. My nipples are pierced
44. I have two tattoo's
45. I love loving someone
46. Aqua De Gio is one of the best smells in the world
47. I've talked to some of my net friends for over 10 yrs.
48. I consider Curt to be one of my best friends, though we have only met in person once.
49. I've had my heart broken
50. I've broken someones heart
51. I get better with age
52. I think we all do
53. People always think I'm 25
54. I'm really 37
55. If I had the money(and gas wasn't going up to $5) I'd drive the orig. Hummer
58. I'm not high maintenance at ALL
59. I can get ready to go out faster than most men
60. I need to get back into a workout routine.
61. I'm hoping living on the beach will entice me to jog on the sand
62. I miss my family.
63. Sometimes I'm too trusting
64. But I think thats the way it is supposed to be, people shouldnt take advantage of that.
65. I'm a Pisces, so is my daughter
67. I've made out with girls, but never gone beyond that.
68. I go to Ozzfest every year
69. I like to wear HIGH HIGH heels sometimes
70. I always go commando
73. Girls always hit on me.
74. I always date younger, I don't know why
75. I'm a daddy's girl
76. I love working with people
77. I always smile =)
78. I have alot of friends, but close ones I can count on one hand
79. my godparents were gay, one of them died of AIDS
80. Sometimes my love for my kids is overwhelming
81. My biggest fear is something happening to them
82. I relish watching them grow into adults they are 21, 17 & 14
83. I'm a great cook
84. I like to sew and do crafts
85. My nickname used to be "the 3 month and DUMP gurl" because I never dated anyone longer than that.
86. It takes ALOT for me to enter into a relationship
87. Im a night owl and an insomniac
89. I love Mexican food
90. I used to take Swing Dance lessons, now I'm going to try Salsa
91. I'm very loyal
92. I love long phone conversations that last all night
93. I love roller coasters!!!!
94. I'm a computer geek.
95. My brother almost died 2 yrs ago, and I'm not sure I've ever gotten over it.
96. Sometimes I like it rough
97. I like hiking and the outdoors
98. I'm trying to spend as much time as I can with my grandmother, she is 87

ok, those are ALOT of things alot of people didn't know about me....so if u read this, consider yrself TAGGED!

Sometimes Computer SUCK!

I spent an hour writing what I thought was a good blog on going out last night only for my computer to crash before it saved. Now Im tired, living on 2 hours sleep...and maybe a lil groggy from a few drinks last night...
*sigh*
I suppose I will write again later, as Im certainly not in the mood any more..haha
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Closure....

Haven't had much time to post lately...and I was sure everyone was tired of hearing about the packing..hahaThings are progressing along very nicely. Found a place to stay for a month or two until my house it ready. Got a second job a few nights a week working at
TheGreek
waitressing, my brothers fiance works there, and not only can she rake in a few hundred on a slow night, but it is FUNNNN. Greek dancers, belly dancers...it'll be a kewl way to get me through Xmas =) Plus it is RIGHT on the water!!!!
It's been a long few days. Time always seems to FLY until u want to get the hell out of somewhere, then it goes at a snails pace.There has also been some things going on. My x husband seems to have found himself...and while skipping along that path, my childrens father seems to have re-emerged. You see, we always had a pretty good relationship. He was a great father to our children. He coached all of their sports teams. My walls boast his coaching ability, team pictures of all my kids sports and daddy is right there smiling with the team. Somewhere in there, problems started. And by the time our divorce was final, the man I knew was nowhere to be found. Not even the father. He started drinking. Going out a lot. Flaking on our kids...and being mean and nasty when they were with him. I know that he was hurt. I also know it was easier to lash out than to deal with what was going on. But that still didn't make it ok for the kids. Knowing there was no way to hurt me, he started trying to do that through the kids. One of my main reasons for moving to another state was that I didn't want my kids to endure a lifetime(let alone a childhood) full of all of these bad memories. So we moved. My kids all agree that this, in hindsight...was possibly the best choice that I have ever made for them. Even though they still endured those bad moments with their father, they were few and far between. Going home for the holidays was always bittersweet because we never knew what to expect. One thing I knew for sure...the saying "You never truly know someone until u divorce them" has always rung true in my ears.
Fast forward 5 years...and my decision to move back home. None of my kids had spoken to their father for over a year. Last summer, when my youngest finally had the courage to stand up to him(Rick was trying to convince Drew to move in with him) and tell him "dad, I don't want to live with you...I want to stay with mom" was the last time ANY of the three of them had spoken to him. Birthdays have come and gone...Christmas and Thanxgiving. We always go home for the holidays and Rick never appeared on the doorstep, though he knew we were there.
The week we made the decision to come home, out of the blue Rick starts calling. Seems he has been in AA, and getting his life in order. It's been a bumpy ride. The kids have a lot of pent up anger and frustrations regarding their dad. Especially my daughter. I have explained to that in order to give someone a chance, u must really give them a chance. Open your heart, open yr mind...and realize that all of this didn't happen over night, and someone can't change overnight.The last few months have been an emotional ride. But I am finally able to have a decent relationship with my X. And my kids are finally happy as their father is making a true effort to be the father they so desperately need.
On another front...my brother seems to have had an epiphany as well. You see, he has a horrible temper. He seems to have some sort of resentment with the world, but mostly our father. I love my brother, we have always been close. But being one of the closest people to a temperamental person isn't always the best thing. I tend to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and the brunt of his temper seems to fall on either my shoulders, or Autumns(his fiance). Autumn had enough and said that she wouldn't be engaged let alone married to a man that thought OUTBURSTS were a way to problem solve. She had been to a self help seminar a few years ago and urged him to go to The Forum

So in the last few days...Amongst the hustle and bustle of moving, I have had the two men that I have loved the most in my life... Who are also the two men who have hurt me the most in my life ask me for forgiveness, and apologize for some of their actions....And making changes in their lives to assure that mistakes aren't repeated. My x even went as far as to go to my parents house(they used to love this man to death) and make amends. Enough so that my mom broke down in tears. She had often wondered what had happened to the son-in-law that she had loved so much.
Emotional for sure. The timing on this...Though great being as I will be living 5 minutes from either of them...Is also at a very stressful time in my life...Moving in 10 days. Needless to say, I am worn out. I told my brother that I felt like an emotional sandwich between the two of them...They the bread, me the melting cheese in the middle...hahaha.
He got a good chuckle out of that.
So things change....life goes on. People come full circle. You get some closure on some issues...and new doors for new possibilities open up. I feel like a very lucky woman at the present moment...well actually always. But today, the the skies seem a little bluer, the sun a little brighter...Have a great day everyone, and don't forget....it's better late than never. And just when u have given up on someone, they can turn around at a moments notice and surprise you =)

For soem reason my "Links" arent working so here they are:
The Greek http://www.greekventuraharbor.com/
And The Forum http://www.landmarkeducation.com