As one must certainly be able to tell by the amount of invitations in the mail. Weddings, baby showers, house warming parties, bridal showers, babies first birthday....YAY!
I've been so crazy the last few months(and the next few to come) with everyone swirling around me. Being away for so long has made it practially impossible to go to all of these functions in the recent past, so it seems it is comming back to me in spades ha ha. All joking aside it is fab-U-lous to see everyone, and how their lives have evolved =)
So nice to be back home enjoying the beaches of Southern California. I must admit that most everyone I have run into over the years always asked me WHY I would ever leave the beach and move to Vegas. I guess my answer was mostly..."Well, I guess when u have lived somewhere for so long, you really dont appreciate it like others do" I mean, I've been born and raised in Southern California, never lived anywhere else until I moved. Being back home was strange at first. One thing I noticed immediatly...I felt at peace. Im a water person by nature. Always have been. Does being Pisces have something to do with that? Who knows. Alot of people say yes.
Ive decided that I will never live off of the ocean again. Having the waves at the end of your street is a feeling I cant quite explain. Hearing the ocean as u sleep at night, foghorn blowing, windows open with that ocean breeze blowing.
Heaven.
Well, here on earth...ha ha. Not quite, but u get the picture.
Here's to being home, re-aquainting with old friends and making new ones.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
I've noticed
that my posts have been kinda melancholy lately.
Such is my life at the moment.
Kinda wierd to feel so displaced when all I did was move back "home".
Life changes...for the better? or the worse? Who knows. I suppose only
time will tell.
Between health issues(the back) and feeling so lonely for the friends I left in Vegas...I just havent felt like myself at ALL lately. I have noticed it, but not as much as when my X boyfriend and i had a conversation the other day.
"So schweetie peaz(yes, he still calls my by nicknames though we have been broken up for over 4 years) whats going on?"
We have been friends for years, and we talk about everything. So he asks about men in my life, and as i talk he notices that every man I bring up has the stigma "platonic" behind the name. He asks what is wrong with me...and I think..."wrong?"
"yeah, wrong. For years I have always lived vicarously through you...with all of yr stories, sexual trists and antics....and all of a sudden, they all stopped. You turning Lezbo on me?"
Ha ha. Now to know Milo is to LOVE him. He speaks his mind, and talks from his heart. So I know he is joking, but when I think about it...he is right. My social life has seriously DECLINED since I moved back to my home town. I dont go out, I dont date, I dont mingle. I work, come home..hang with my kids...and seriously do NOTHING. Hard to meet men(or people in general) when u are sitting in your living room.
The conversation got me to thinking...thinking about things that i don't like to think about.
I've proclaimed this year as "the year to find myself and figure shit out" and now, here I sit, 5 months into the year no closer to having ANYTHING figured out.
38 years old, my kids are almost grown up. I should have things figured out. This isnt where I thought i would be when i was almost 40. Thought I'd have a lil more going on inmy life. A lil more sense of who I am, and what it is that I want out of life.
I've spent so many years raising kids...so many years putting others needs before my own...that as I enter this phase where i have time for myself...I simply dont know what to do with it.
Maybe I need therapy.
In all honesty Milo thinks I just need a good romp. Which might help...temporarily...but what is the fix long term?
So indecisive.
The time has come to make changes.
I've always been an extremely social person. SO having to DRAG it out of myself at the moment is a lil strange.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. ANd unless I want a bleak outlook, I suppose it is time for me to DO something about my sad state of affairs.
I used to play in a pool league. Ive contacted the local league cordinator. Im starting on a new team next week. Men with sticks is always a good place to start! Plus Im starting with a personal trainer this week (we all know that loosing weight, working out andwhippin the good old body into shape is a surefire way to help yrself just feel better) Baby Steps.
Ok, there is a beginning to a social life...and maybe a start to get myself back on track.
Wish me luck!
Such is my life at the moment.
Kinda wierd to feel so displaced when all I did was move back "home".
Life changes...for the better? or the worse? Who knows. I suppose only
time will tell.
Between health issues(the back) and feeling so lonely for the friends I left in Vegas...I just havent felt like myself at ALL lately. I have noticed it, but not as much as when my X boyfriend and i had a conversation the other day.
"So schweetie peaz(yes, he still calls my by nicknames though we have been broken up for over 4 years) whats going on?"
We have been friends for years, and we talk about everything. So he asks about men in my life, and as i talk he notices that every man I bring up has the stigma "platonic" behind the name. He asks what is wrong with me...and I think..."wrong?"
"yeah, wrong. For years I have always lived vicarously through you...with all of yr stories, sexual trists and antics....and all of a sudden, they all stopped. You turning Lezbo on me?"
Ha ha. Now to know Milo is to LOVE him. He speaks his mind, and talks from his heart. So I know he is joking, but when I think about it...he is right. My social life has seriously DECLINED since I moved back to my home town. I dont go out, I dont date, I dont mingle. I work, come home..hang with my kids...and seriously do NOTHING. Hard to meet men(or people in general) when u are sitting in your living room.
The conversation got me to thinking...thinking about things that i don't like to think about.
I've proclaimed this year as "the year to find myself and figure shit out" and now, here I sit, 5 months into the year no closer to having ANYTHING figured out.
38 years old, my kids are almost grown up. I should have things figured out. This isnt where I thought i would be when i was almost 40. Thought I'd have a lil more going on inmy life. A lil more sense of who I am, and what it is that I want out of life.
I've spent so many years raising kids...so many years putting others needs before my own...that as I enter this phase where i have time for myself...I simply dont know what to do with it.
Maybe I need therapy.
In all honesty Milo thinks I just need a good romp. Which might help...temporarily...but what is the fix long term?
So indecisive.
The time has come to make changes.
I've always been an extremely social person. SO having to DRAG it out of myself at the moment is a lil strange.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. ANd unless I want a bleak outlook, I suppose it is time for me to DO something about my sad state of affairs.
I used to play in a pool league. Ive contacted the local league cordinator. Im starting on a new team next week. Men with sticks is always a good place to start! Plus Im starting with a personal trainer this week (we all know that loosing weight, working out andwhippin the good old body into shape is a surefire way to help yrself just feel better) Baby Steps.
Ok, there is a beginning to a social life...and maybe a start to get myself back on track.
Wish me luck!
Monday, May 22, 2006
telling someone that u love them...
can sometimes be hard to do. In reality, you know when u love someone. You can feel it in yr chest. Starts as a flutter and then blossoms.
But sometimes, love happens when u least expect it, or when u are trying to avoid it. Then u arent really sure what those flutters are...because u are in denial, and hiding it from yourself. It manifests itself in a different ways. Confuses you and torments your mind. Makes nights sleepless and dreams foggy. Then one day you wake up and everything is suddenly clear...
You love this person...
Now what do u do?
Play love tag for four years only to one day write it all down in poetic well phrased words...
And now the waiting game is upon us...
anyone feel like playing?
But sometimes, love happens when u least expect it, or when u are trying to avoid it. Then u arent really sure what those flutters are...because u are in denial, and hiding it from yourself. It manifests itself in a different ways. Confuses you and torments your mind. Makes nights sleepless and dreams foggy. Then one day you wake up and everything is suddenly clear...
You love this person...
Now what do u do?
Play love tag for four years only to one day write it all down in poetic well phrased words...
And now the waiting game is upon us...
anyone feel like playing?
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
My Grandfather is getting married June 10th. Why am I posting about this...you might ask? You see, my Grandfather, Pappy as I call him, was married to my Grandmother(Granny) for 55 years at the time of her death. 6 months later, and out of the blue...he got remarried. To me, it was such a dishonor to my grandmother that I think I have never truely gotten over it. I skipped the wedding. In all honesty, I wasnt even close to getting over her death and I struggled like crazy to understand how my Pappy could just pick up and move on after sharing so many years with my fathers mother, a woman like no other. I remember her so vividly...her voice, the way she would laugh, that strange glint she would get in her eyes when she was getting mad...it doesnt even seem like any time has passed. As I sit here and type...i realize alot of time has. 10 years to be exact. About 6 months ago his 2nd wife Edna passed away. I went to the funeral out of familial obligation and for my Grandfather(whom I have had a hard time calling "Pappy" since all of this transpired, because MY Pappy wouldnt have done this...not to Granny, not to my family and most certainly not to me). After the funeral we all went back to my Aunt and Uncles lake house. There were a few cracks and bets made on how long it would take my grandfather to remarry...all those old ladies in the Senior Center think he is SUCH a catch!
Today I got that call. If it wasnt so disturbing, I probably would have laughed. I mean, I just don't understand. What possesses people to just jump frm one relationship to another??
Im the complete oposite of this. And when I say "complete" I mean "COMPLETE".
It all started in 1987 when I took my wedding vows on a chilly December day. December 19th to be exact.
I married a man that I was deeply in love with. A man I thought I would spend my life with. My family loved him, my friends loved him...but most of all I loved him. 12 years later I left him. Things happen, people grow(and not always in the same direction, mind you) things got ugly, and this person that I loved with all of my heart ended up being the person who has hurt me most in my life. When it comes to relationships and love, I am VERY guarded. Something that as I get older, I am trying to change. I guess I have a deep seeded fear of being hurt. Something I am just comming to terms with. It took me almost 2 1/2 years to venture back out into the relationship world after my divorce and when that ended, I was single for about another 2 years before I got involved. That lasted between a year and two(withsome fuzzy time in there of "not knowing" what was going on) This October I will have been single for three years. As I sit and contemplate #1.how difficult it really is to find someone that you just click with on every level. And #2, am I the only one that thinks that way? So many people married, divorced and remarried before the ink is even dry on the dotted line. Am I a rarity...a freak, or just plain wierd?
hmmmm, the things that swirl around in my head.
Today I got that call. If it wasnt so disturbing, I probably would have laughed. I mean, I just don't understand. What possesses people to just jump frm one relationship to another??
Im the complete oposite of this. And when I say "complete" I mean "COMPLETE".
It all started in 1987 when I took my wedding vows on a chilly December day. December 19th to be exact.
I married a man that I was deeply in love with. A man I thought I would spend my life with. My family loved him, my friends loved him...but most of all I loved him. 12 years later I left him. Things happen, people grow(and not always in the same direction, mind you) things got ugly, and this person that I loved with all of my heart ended up being the person who has hurt me most in my life. When it comes to relationships and love, I am VERY guarded. Something that as I get older, I am trying to change. I guess I have a deep seeded fear of being hurt. Something I am just comming to terms with. It took me almost 2 1/2 years to venture back out into the relationship world after my divorce and when that ended, I was single for about another 2 years before I got involved. That lasted between a year and two(withsome fuzzy time in there of "not knowing" what was going on) This October I will have been single for three years. As I sit and contemplate #1.how difficult it really is to find someone that you just click with on every level. And #2, am I the only one that thinks that way? So many people married, divorced and remarried before the ink is even dry on the dotted line. Am I a rarity...a freak, or just plain wierd?
hmmmm, the things that swirl around in my head.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
ok
So now back home with feet firmly planted on the ground. Always nice when someone loves u back...but now what?
We have been friends for years, friends with benefits for four, and loved eachother probably that whole time. But what to do next?
Where do u go from here. Im one of those people afraid of commitment. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of taking that leap. Guess we shold renickname me "SUPER CHICKEN"!!
I dont just jump into anything headfirst. Not relationship wise anyways.
So, I love this man, and he me. But then why does it always seem to difficult to speak that love to him? In theory Im thinking because we have spent so many years in denial of that feeling. I mean, friends with benefits arent supposed to "fall" for eachother. And I seldom do. Im perfectly capable of just having sex with a man and not getting emotionally involved. Just not with THIS man.
So the question of the day is this....
What do u do when the man u realize has yr heart in his hands, loves you back?
Do u throw caution to the wind and just go for it? Do u forget that there is a great friendship that is the foundation for this love, and just cast that aside and jump into something? Step out of that lil box we have been in and explore the whole world? See if we could possibly be wonderful together? ( Which I know by theway, the answer would be we'd be Fab-U-Lous!)
I have alot on my mind. So confused. Not about my feelings, but about what we do with them now. He is still an hour and 1/2 away from me...and I don't believe in long distance relationships. Not my style, never has been.
So Im not too sure where to go with this. We both have things we are working on, things in our lives that have to be taken care of for our own personal satisfaction. Growing changing things...things that have to be seen through to the end. Which still leaves me in one place, and him in another.
Im not a person to push...I believe in fate. And the possibility that things that are meant to be, will simply be. He doesnt agree. HA HAHA. ONE thing in life we disagree on.
So I take a step back and realize that it has taken us an eternity to even come to this point. Some things are worth the wait. And I definatly believe he is one of those things. Only time will tell what will happen. And I think Iwant to let this thing take on a form of its own, without pushing or any pressure. I want to relish the feeling of loving someone and being loved back....
So in laymans terms, I will do nothing. And wait for nature to take its course.
In all honesty, if he loves me and misses me the way i do him....then it will work itself out. If not, then maybe it wasnt meant to be.
So, what does anyone else think? Beucase I certainly know that I suck at this relationship stuff. But getting better I think. Always a work in progess. But isnt that what life is all about anyways??
ta ta
We have been friends for years, friends with benefits for four, and loved eachother probably that whole time. But what to do next?
Where do u go from here. Im one of those people afraid of commitment. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of taking that leap. Guess we shold renickname me "SUPER CHICKEN"!!
I dont just jump into anything headfirst. Not relationship wise anyways.
So, I love this man, and he me. But then why does it always seem to difficult to speak that love to him? In theory Im thinking because we have spent so many years in denial of that feeling. I mean, friends with benefits arent supposed to "fall" for eachother. And I seldom do. Im perfectly capable of just having sex with a man and not getting emotionally involved. Just not with THIS man.
So the question of the day is this....
What do u do when the man u realize has yr heart in his hands, loves you back?
Do u throw caution to the wind and just go for it? Do u forget that there is a great friendship that is the foundation for this love, and just cast that aside and jump into something? Step out of that lil box we have been in and explore the whole world? See if we could possibly be wonderful together? ( Which I know by theway, the answer would be we'd be Fab-U-Lous!)
I have alot on my mind. So confused. Not about my feelings, but about what we do with them now. He is still an hour and 1/2 away from me...and I don't believe in long distance relationships. Not my style, never has been.
So Im not too sure where to go with this. We both have things we are working on, things in our lives that have to be taken care of for our own personal satisfaction. Growing changing things...things that have to be seen through to the end. Which still leaves me in one place, and him in another.
Im not a person to push...I believe in fate. And the possibility that things that are meant to be, will simply be. He doesnt agree. HA HAHA. ONE thing in life we disagree on.
So I take a step back and realize that it has taken us an eternity to even come to this point. Some things are worth the wait. And I definatly believe he is one of those things. Only time will tell what will happen. And I think Iwant to let this thing take on a form of its own, without pushing or any pressure. I want to relish the feeling of loving someone and being loved back....
So in laymans terms, I will do nothing. And wait for nature to take its course.
In all honesty, if he loves me and misses me the way i do him....then it will work itself out. If not, then maybe it wasnt meant to be.
So, what does anyone else think? Beucase I certainly know that I suck at this relationship stuff. But getting better I think. Always a work in progess. But isnt that what life is all about anyways??
ta ta
FIGURES!!! here is my horoscope for yesterday when all of this was swirlingaround in my head!!
Dear Samantha,Here is your horoscopefor Monday, April 24:
Some personal matters have become quite a tangled web lately, and it's time to start unraveling things before they get more complicated. Face the facts and look for the simplest and quickest solutions.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
fab-U-lous weekend....
Lets set aside the fact that I left town to go to LA for the weekend to go to House Of Blues with a bunch of girlfriendz then subsequently toook my pain meds for my back AND drank...ended up totally missing the show I went to see AND got back to motel room(no clue how, though I DO remember argueing with my Cab driver) by 11:30 PM. Next take...in Newport with the man of my dreams(ok, so someone I have been sleeping with for the past 4 yrs that i s my dream catch and SO Mr Wonderful... Dream boat and 1/2. Bea-UtifUL.....X's 2........Always loved him and know 100% he loves me....never admitted it to him, so it felt nice to snuggle into him and let him know how much i love love love him. only made better by the faqct that he loves me tooooo! Kissing in the rain is always the best! Always nice when the I LOVE YOU(which he has said many times only I never followed suit) Is followed up with the reciprocal I LOVE YOU!
What to do when the man you love to death and desire beyond the reaches of the earth, loves you back..........?
Always a question to be pondered...
but at this moment, my HOT guy is waitiing in bed =)
muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
What to do when the man you love to death and desire beyond the reaches of the earth, loves you back..........?
Always a question to be pondered...
but at this moment, my HOT guy is waitiing in bed =)
muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
So....
Alot of things have been happening lately, and I just haven't taken the time to post anything. First off the manager at our gym has been stalking my daughter. And I mean literally stalking her. He got our info out of the computer, and he was being really overly friendly when we would come and go from the gym. A week after my daughter turned 18 he started showing up at her work and harrassing her. Its been this HUGE ordeal!! ugh!
On another note, my oldest Steven who is turning 22 on Friday has decided to spread his wings and move out. He is my step-son, but I have raised him everyday since he was 2, even after my divorce, he has lived with me. So he is as much my child as humanly possible. This moving out business is a rather bittersweet moment. I mean, we all raise our kids knowing that at some point they will grow up and move out on their own. Im happy he has reached that point in his life that he is ready to make that grown up step...butI feel a bit of sadness as my kids grow older and seem not to need me any more. I've come to realize that the statement my brother made last week is true. I need to find a life of my own, one that doesnt always revolve 100% around my kids. Im realizing that I have put alot of my wants/needs and desires on the backburner over the years while I was raising my kids. I've always wanted to travel, to go back to school, to further my career, maybe even work two jobs for a bit to pay off some of my debt. My life has always been so busy singlehandedly raising three kids, that I had almost completely forgotten that I once had dreams that I intended to follow. Dreams of my own. Can I still achieve my dreams? And follow me heart into the oblivion we all call life?
I guess I am about to find out.
I've decided to take inventory of my life. Do some of the things that I have always longed to do. Starting with going back to school this fall. Maybe even starting this summer. I'm ready to take that leap of faith. To have enough faith in myself to make changes that will most definalty improve my life.
I've also been thinking about my social/dating life. Or should I say lackthereof. My x-boyfriend and I broke up 2 1/2 yrs ago. That was the last time I have had a boyfriend. Funny thing is, when guys meet me, they always ask me"why are you single?" I mean, Im decent looking, have a funloving carefree personality, get along well with just about everyone....so why am I single?
It's been a personal choice. I'm not one that just jumps into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. I have to really connect with someone on alot of levels before I move forward. But as I sit and think about it, I realize that I have just completely shut the relationship issue door. In all honesty, Ive had NO desire to be in a relationship or date. Single is a state of mind for me, one that transforms into reality without me even realizing it. I have gotten so caught up in the parenting of my kids and trying to be their all(since their dad has seriously lacked in that department) that I havent really been living my life.
I've never been one to get lonely(how can anyone be lonely when they have a house full of kids?!?!) but in recent weeks I have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. As winter turns to summer, Im thinking about the small things in life. Waking up to someone laying next to you, holding hands as you walk along the beach, sharing an ice cream cone. Just seeing that someone you love smile.
During the conversation my brother and i were having last week, he said that he wants me to have a boyfriend. I start with the "WHY DO I NEED A BOYFRIEND? YOU DONT THINK THAT A WOMAN CAN BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A MAN?"
His responce was simple. He said "I love you Sister. And that smile and twinkle that u have when u are in love is amazing, it's a happiness that I havent seen in yr eyes in a long long time, and I miss it. I just want you to be blissfully happy sis"
*sigh*
ok, now THAT brought me to complete tears.
Alot of things to ponder at the moment...which seems to be the only time i post..ha ha ha
Guess I'll just have to work on improving me, and taking better care of MY needs.
Sometimes, u have to put yrself first. And with 3 short years left until all of my kids reach the legal age and contemplate moving out and on with their lives....I guess it is time to start working on that. Working on me, and the things I desire in life =)
On another note, my oldest Steven who is turning 22 on Friday has decided to spread his wings and move out. He is my step-son, but I have raised him everyday since he was 2, even after my divorce, he has lived with me. So he is as much my child as humanly possible. This moving out business is a rather bittersweet moment. I mean, we all raise our kids knowing that at some point they will grow up and move out on their own. Im happy he has reached that point in his life that he is ready to make that grown up step...butI feel a bit of sadness as my kids grow older and seem not to need me any more. I've come to realize that the statement my brother made last week is true. I need to find a life of my own, one that doesnt always revolve 100% around my kids. Im realizing that I have put alot of my wants/needs and desires on the backburner over the years while I was raising my kids. I've always wanted to travel, to go back to school, to further my career, maybe even work two jobs for a bit to pay off some of my debt. My life has always been so busy singlehandedly raising three kids, that I had almost completely forgotten that I once had dreams that I intended to follow. Dreams of my own. Can I still achieve my dreams? And follow me heart into the oblivion we all call life?
I guess I am about to find out.
I've decided to take inventory of my life. Do some of the things that I have always longed to do. Starting with going back to school this fall. Maybe even starting this summer. I'm ready to take that leap of faith. To have enough faith in myself to make changes that will most definalty improve my life.
I've also been thinking about my social/dating life. Or should I say lackthereof. My x-boyfriend and I broke up 2 1/2 yrs ago. That was the last time I have had a boyfriend. Funny thing is, when guys meet me, they always ask me"why are you single?" I mean, Im decent looking, have a funloving carefree personality, get along well with just about everyone....so why am I single?
It's been a personal choice. I'm not one that just jumps into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. I have to really connect with someone on alot of levels before I move forward. But as I sit and think about it, I realize that I have just completely shut the relationship issue door. In all honesty, Ive had NO desire to be in a relationship or date. Single is a state of mind for me, one that transforms into reality without me even realizing it. I have gotten so caught up in the parenting of my kids and trying to be their all(since their dad has seriously lacked in that department) that I havent really been living my life.
I've never been one to get lonely(how can anyone be lonely when they have a house full of kids?!?!) but in recent weeks I have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. As winter turns to summer, Im thinking about the small things in life. Waking up to someone laying next to you, holding hands as you walk along the beach, sharing an ice cream cone. Just seeing that someone you love smile.
During the conversation my brother and i were having last week, he said that he wants me to have a boyfriend. I start with the "WHY DO I NEED A BOYFRIEND? YOU DONT THINK THAT A WOMAN CAN BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A MAN?"
His responce was simple. He said "I love you Sister. And that smile and twinkle that u have when u are in love is amazing, it's a happiness that I havent seen in yr eyes in a long long time, and I miss it. I just want you to be blissfully happy sis"
*sigh*
ok, now THAT brought me to complete tears.
Alot of things to ponder at the moment...which seems to be the only time i post..ha ha ha
Guess I'll just have to work on improving me, and taking better care of MY needs.
Sometimes, u have to put yrself first. And with 3 short years left until all of my kids reach the legal age and contemplate moving out and on with their lives....I guess it is time to start working on that. Working on me, and the things I desire in life =)
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